Hi guys, at the current stage of my life I'm just totally confused. I know that I'm not an unique snowflake and there are thousands of stories like this but I still need some help. So, basically I "know" since I was 17 (I'm 23 now) that I'm definitely not straight. I don't have any significant "proof" that I always was gay or that now I could say there have "always" been signs for that ... so idk. At about 9 years of age, I started to masturbate. At that time I had a friend where I used to sleep on some weekends to play videogames and stuff like that. We watched some erotic movies and at that age I liked it and never had any thought about why I wouldn't and I never was attracted to guys, or curious to try stuff out with them. At the age of about 14 I used to have some good friends and with them we used to do the same thing; watch some porn/erotic movies and jack off in one room. Again, I never thought about them or what it would be to .... idk... touch them and so on. At about the age of 15 I started to try out anal play on myself, because I have seen it in (hetero-anal-porn) which was always a huge turn-on for me... idk why. Basically I was curious how it would feel and I read stuff on the internet that it could improve the orgasm when mastubating. So yeah, basically it did and I liked it... Still never had a clue that I would be gay or that this was not that common. I thought I was just sexually more open minded than other guys at my age. Then I had some pretty hard years at school and was almost isolated from other people. So all that time from let's say 14/15 to 17/18 I was some kind of "loser guy" at my school and I never even had a real chance to try out with a girl i would like. All those years I (believe) really wanted to have sex with girls, but there just was no real possibility for me to try out. So basically all those years I masturbated to porn almost every day or every other day. I know know, not good! I quit almost completely a few months ago! At about the age of 16/17 I finally managed to get to know a (in my opinion at that time) a really cool guy. He had cool friends, was a "womanizer" and basically lived the kind of life I always wanted to live. And yeah, he was good looking. I was really happy to hang out with him and I somehow strived for his approval or acceptance because I did always think of myself as a pretty cool guy and I did not understand why at school people treated me like this! Looking back, this was if you want to call it like this maybe some first sign of me beeing gay?! I mean I never (consciously) did think about him in a sexual way. Because I never had a girlfriend all those years at school, some day someone asked me or suspected that I'm gay. I know at that point of time it didn't really make sense but this at that time felt like some weird, shocking epiphany. I was raised quite homophobic although my whole life I did not really think about this "topic" it was like it did not really exist until some point at life. So basically after someone asked me if I was gay, I panicked and overreacted. All this "clues" started to make "sense" to me. To make a long story short, I spent the next years with depression coming on and off and I did see different therapists because I really hated the thought of me beeing gay. I was suicidal and all this bullshit. At about the age of 21 I somewhat "gave up" my resistance to my homosexual thoughts. I finally tried gay-porn (lol) to test me and to be honest I did find it somehow boring for the most part (i know this means shit). In the lasts 2 years I really worked on normalizing my life, my social life and it did work quite well. There is just A HUGE PROBLEM left, that is my (not really existing) sexuality. This whole topic REALLY stresses me out and lowers my self esteem. I not comfortable with leading a gay lifestyle until this day. I try to find ANY excuse or possibility that I could be something different than gay. Then a few weeks ago, I did have sex for the first time in my life. I was at a party, drunk and I got to know a 28 year old woman I think I liked. With the knowledge in my head that I'm gay I just did go with the flow because I was curious. I met her for a few times the days after (sober of course:lol and I still think I was attracted to her in some way. Whenever we kissed or I even was close to her I got a boner. When I was at her appartment and we making out on her couch I got reocurring boners (for hours) just from kissing her, smelling her and so on. => Did this happen to gay guys who were in denial? Somehow reassured by this I was willing to try out to have sex with her. So we had sex and (bear in mind it was my first time at the age of 23:dry, I used a condom and I really did feel almost nothing. I did not come, idk why. After about 40 minutes of penetrating her I stopped. Now some other mind-twisting details (at least for me). - Big Cocks are a turn on for me, it does not depend who is on the other end... it's some kind of abstract fascination for me.... The thought of giving those cocks a blowjob turns me on. -Most Men's bodys are not really attractive to me, although there are some hyper-masculine sex-god type guys i like -gay-porn in turn is very boring to me, compared to e.g. straight anal-porn, I don't like the guys.... it's just genitals going in holes for me. - Vaginas are neutral to me until I like that particular girl. I think I would lick them when I'm drawn to that person. - Womens asses are a turn on, mens asses not that much -When I dance with a girl I like in a club or kiss, I get a boner - I can imagine beeing romantic with girls, I think some are cute and especially I am drawn to women who are flirty with me and when I recognize they are into me. With women this is kind of a two sided thing, I really start to like them when they do, but I don't have "crushes" on them. -with men (I think) I cannot imagine beeing romantic and I don't think that I'd like to kiss them and smell them the way I do with women - Men are sexually more attractive to me than women (in theory) - When I'm sexually drawn to a man, it is always some kind of "power dynamic" that I like... I don't have to like the way those guys look and I would never think of them as cute. The sexual attraction to guys and homosexual thoughts is ... i don't know a better way to describe.... always coupled with some kind of fear/anxiety. I'm sexually aroused but it does not feel good to me, because at the same time my stomach cramps up and my pulse becomes faster, but not in a way that feels good to me. "It doesn't feel like a good, natural feeling", maybe because I still cannot fully accept the fact that I'm gay?! -the type of guys I seem to like are always guys that have "higher social status" than me, are more masculine and self confident. On a rational level I DON'T LIKE THAT FACT AT ALL AND IT FEELS HUMILIATING TO ME! -Sometimes I think the most humiliating things I can imagine are the biggest turn-ons for me. - When beeing with a women my arousal feels completely different. I get a boner and I like kissing them, smelling them, feeling their bodies and their smile. I am definitely drawn to them. I liked it when the girl I had my first time with lied naked on my body and her vagina was on my cock. I don't feel those stomach pains and it does not feel like I'm beeing anxious like it feels with thoughts of men, I just more relaxed. I get a boner, but the "urge" to have sex is not THAT strong. => Maybe because I only had sex one time in my life and I was nervous?! - At a younger age I was attracted to women on pictures, in porn and tv. I could tell others what I like about them. Today women in magazines, on pictures and in porn are just exchangeable (I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE, IT JUST FEELS LIKE THIS TO ME!). Im only attracted to girls in reallife. When my friends talk about some moviestar "who is hot" i cannot emotionally relate to that anymore. -I don't know if I could perform with a man So folks, what is it with me? Am I just gay and don't want to accept it? Am I somewhat bisexual? Am I just fucked up beyond any repair from all my years of porn usage and rambling about those topics? I don't know anymore and I don't know what to strive for! If I'm gay, I don't like the feeling it gives me in comparison to the feeling I have with women. I know that I propably have to accept this uncertainty that I never will know for sure.... but at this state I feel like I'm not able to live a healthy and fulfilling sexual life! Any Help from you, guys and girls?
I have no idea. You don't have to fit neatly in a category. You may just be your own thing. Just see who you're attracted to and let nature take it's course.
Hey mbo, Just read your post and I'm in an almost identical situation to you! Seriously, it's like you were describing me in the majority of that post. I don't have much time right now but i'll be back soon with a proper reply. I'm intrigued to hear peoples thoughts.
Looking at your story, you don't sound 100% gay. Also - it does not matter what label you keep, it is ultimately your life and your happiness that matters - not the label. Just give yourself time ! See who you are comfortable with romantically and sexually in real life NOT in porn. Without being worried about the output, try to get attached with people (males/females) emotionally & physically - being closer with them, talking with them, seeing them, etc.. Hopefully it will give you some direction.. and stay with EC and keep speaking your mind out here.. it will certainly help.. !
I feel like my situation is pretty much the same as yours. In my head I just want a girl and it feels right at certain times where everything will be okay, then this attraction butts up and it feels bad with anxiety but it is something i can't shake off. At the moment I'm trying to tell myself that im gay to see how it works. I've always been able to get hard with girls, and sometimes I do find it hard to finish with girls but cuddling and kissing them I love it. I have however had times where I lost control with girls during sex so that makes it even more confusing, how some times I can last all day and other times I can barey last at all. I will say however if I'm just sitting by myself I will feel the sexual attraction towards men almost all day where it's all I think about because it always butts up, but it's more to no one in particular and just my body creeping up on me. I am different from you however how gay porn definitely turns me on a lot, but everything else seems pretty identical besides that. I look forward to hearing other people's advice because I can totally relate. I wish you good luck with this!
There's nothing anyone can conclude from most of what you described because you hardly said anything about actual feelings. You talk about sexual behavior but what we think about/look at when we're masturbating might have nothing to do with our actual sexuality. Some gay people watch straight porn, some straight girls watch lesbian porn. It's possible for a human to get turned on by watching animals mate, but that doesn't mean they're into animals. People get turned on by anything sexual. If you really wanted to have sex with girls as a teenager, then maybe you like women sexually, but you have a preference for men. It sounds to me like you like men way more than women anyway. The thing is, if not even you know your sexuality, no one else will either. You don't have to know exactly what you are right now, seriously just do what makes you happy and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. If you're not into women then don't try analyze your feelings when you hook up with one, if you feel it you feel it. You just have to look at the situation and ask yourself if, in a perfect world where no one knew you and there was no judgement, would you choose to do it? Would you like this for the rest of your life? Does it make you happy, or does it make you feel confused and stressed out? Just stop over thinking, stop trying to be anything, just live and things will get clearer.
You don't seem straight, or gay. I sometimes find myself in a similar situation as far as attraction goes. I like but I also (female) I found that as I got a bit older (to where I am now) I like mostly guys, but when I was around 13/14, I liked mostly girls. People's sexual preferences change throughout time, and remember, we define labels, labels do not define us!
my god dude. while reading your text, I was thinking you were writing about me. we have a lot of different points though. - I have had sex with about 13 or so chicks so far and could never orgasm, sometimes not have an erection - I reaally enjoy licking girls when they are clean and I like them, but by licking i mean literally every part of their bodies and especially their backdoors just as much as their vaginas - gay porn, just the penetration, is a turn on. kissing and blowjobs, however, are disgusting to me - before thinking i might be gay, I was wondering for months what could be the reason i can't seem to come with girls...is it my masturbation habits, is it the amount of porn I watch etc., but when I read in a forum that people who aren't disgusted by the thought of having sex with the same sex are hella gay, this was the moment when hell started for me -Before this incidence, I was looking at men's bodies in a non-sexual way. I am really skinny and was always envious of well built men. I wanted to look just as manly as they did, so I could be more confindent and maybe put down my nervousness with girls. I mean, I always felt uncomfortable when naked with girls, because of what they might think about the size of my penis and my skinniness etc. Now, it has become really sexual, I wonder if I would like touching a man and his muscles etc. -so far, I have only fallen in love with girls, sometimes really hard -this whole situation is really f***ing me over. I would try out sex with a guy willingly if this puts an end to my torture. But first, I don't really want to because it scares me and I don't WANT to become intimate with a man. Second of all, I don't know where to start.
@ Mossycave -I know that porn is not an indicator for MY sexuality - As I said, with that woman I tried to "go with the flow" and as I've written I was quite surprised that I was drawn to her. The signs that my body sent me have been mixed though: As I said, when beeing close to her I was definitely sexually aroused and got boners on and off for hours. I did NOT think of anything other than her and still it seemed to work. Of course after YEARS of questioning my sexuality in my mind I was not sure what to think. The actual sex seemed ok, I was aroused by her smell, feel, face and smile. Her wetness, her moaning, feeling her orgasm while scratching my back was hot. I liked the thought of beeing the one giving her pleasure and doing that to her. although the whole act felt somehow strange to me.... But not because I did not like it, but because it was the first time I had sex in general?! As I said, I was wearing a condom and I did not feel much friction.....so at the end i was not able to orgasm. After sex... I was FEELING confused because in my mind I already was ruminating if I really liked it or only was fooling myself. Part of the confusion was the thought of maybe not beeing able to perform the next time; so to speak performance anxiety. So all in all I REALLY DON'T KNOW! Would a more or less gay man be sexually aroused by cuddling and kissing with a girl? Would a more or less gay man get a boner from just laying beside her, holding her in his arm and see her smile, without thinking about some other things in his mind? Would a more or less gay man enjoy beeing romantic with a girl, kissing her, lie naked in bed with her?
You sound pretty much exactly like me. I'm really struggling at the moment, trying to figure out who I am. I have found that when I am in a good mood, I like sex with girls. When I feel low for some reason, or anxious, I seem to like to mastrubate to gay thoughts involving me being the bottom. This is obviously very confusing. I have tried and tried to just let the thoughts be there and enjoy them, but it just doesn't happen. I almost have to fight them, like really not want them, to be able to "enjoy" them. I also feel completely different when I've had sex with girls or fantasize about them. I used to always think it doesn't feel as intense and I think that is true to some extent. Generally the orgasm is about the same apart from the fact that orgasm are generally "better" or atleast different when you have stimulated your prostate. I have this massive fear that I'm in denial about being gay. When I read about people who have been married, or gay guys who have had sex with girls and enjoyed it - I panic, thinking that maybe if I had sex with a guy it would be much better. Yet I have no desire to have sex with a guy, and have not ever thought about it outside of my fantasy world. I have never fantasized about an actual real guy, but I always do that with girls. Yet thinking about being a gay slut, penises, being fucked and dominated is a big turn on for me but also something that makes me hate myself and sometimes makes me cry and almost throw up. I once went to a gay sauna place to try it out, but I didn't feel attracted to any of the guys. Despite this, I tried giving a guy a blowjob but I just really didn't want him to touch me, so he left. I felt numb during the whole 10 seconds of the blowjob. After this I went to the bathroom and cried and put two fingers down my throat because I was disgusted with myself.
Yay, someone who's like me! I've made out with a girl too and it gave me a huge boner. I loved smelling her and caressing her, and like you, when it comes to guys, it's always a power-dynamic. Someone is stronger/more experienced than me, and I mostly imagine me pleasuring them. The submissive, as it were. A lot of times I keep telling myself that I'm gay but my past experiences with girls tell me otherwise. Maybe I'm bi, so I'm looking into that more. A good point my psychologist made is that homosexual behaviours are not the same as homosexual orientation. These two points in itself represent two things. Likewise, you could have a gay guy who does heterosexual behaviours. I think it's worthy to explore what arouses you. By the end of the day, you'll get a better understanding of yourself.
