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Another "confused about my orientation" post

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by komei, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. komei

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    Tokyo, Japan
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    This is my first time posting but I've spent a lot of time browsing threads here. I find the subject of sexual/romantic orientation absolutely fascinating in general, but in recent years I've been wondering a lot about my own orientation and it's become a bit of an obsession to be honest. So I thought I'd try sharing my story here because it might help just to write it out if nothing else, and maybe someone out there will be able to relate.

    I am a cisgender female now in my late 20's, and for most of my life I had no reason to think I might be anything other than straight. I only had crushes on boys growing up. As I grew older I dated a few guys and definitely had strong romantic feelings for them.

    I was also sexually attracted to guys, in the sense that they aroused me and I wanted to have sex with them. But whenever it came down to actual sex with guys, the experience was always kind of "meh" for me. It felt good, so yeah I enjoyed it, but was never really satisfying and always seemed awkward somehow. Mostly I think I just enjoyed the feeling of warmth and being close to another human being... But the parts that are supposedly so amazing about sex never seemed that great to me. I've never had an orgasm from sex with a guy, but then again I've actually never had an orgasm AT ALL even from masturbation and have kind of given up on trying to figure out how to make it happen... So maybe I'm just odd in that sense. :/ Also, this is a bit weird and I'm not sure if it's related to my sexual orientation, but I've always found penises kind of repulsive (no offense guys!) and have never been able to stomach the idea of going down on a guy... It just grosses me out, even if I really like the guy. I really don't want to have to look at a penis or touch it, though I do enjoy the feeling of penetrative sex. But even then, it's like "Well this feels nice but there's something missing." I have also had guys go down on me, use their hands, etc., but never really enjoyed it much, and always just felt really weird and awkward about them touching me there. Oddly enough, I enjoyed penetrative sex more despite my general dislike of penises. (And no, in case anyone is wondering, I have never been sexually abused or raped. No traumatic experiences to speak of.)

    Meanwhile, into my 20's I was gradually starting to think about women more. I guess I had always found women's bodies attractive, but never thought much of it until I realized I had developed some unusually strong feelings for a female friend in college. We were roommates on a semester abroad, and the first time I saw her she was asleep in our room. I remember finding her mesmerizingly beautiful and staring for quite a long time. Later it quickly became apparent that I wasn't the only one who found her beautiful, because she was very popular with the guys, who were always trying to flirt with her and talking about how hot she was. I was a bit annoyed at this, but at the time I thought I was just jealous of her. She was kind of a touchy-feely person, so sometimes she would take my hand while we crossed the street and things like that, and I remember being very happy about it but thinking I was just enjoying the feeling of having made friends with her. I found myself very curious about everything to do with her, and at one point I did something I'm ashamed of: I read her diary. It was just sitting there on her desk and at the time it seemed like I couldn't help myself. I was just so curious to know what was going through her head.

    I never had sexual thoughts about her or even imagined kissing her or anything like that, but I really think that's because the idea that this was an option simply never entered my mind. At the time, I was pretty indoctrinated with the idea that same-sex attraction was wrong and I had always assumed I was straight, so it simply never occurred to me that my feelings for this friend might be a little more than platonic. It wasn't until some time later, after I'd already finished college and she and I had gone our separate ways, that a light bulb went off and I thought, "Holy shit. I had a crush on that girl!"

    At first, my reaction to this revelation was basically, "Okay, so it seems I have some attraction to girls. I guess I could end up falling in love with one, but that seems pretty unlikely since I've almost always only liked guys." I didn't feel any need to come out as bisexual or start trying to date girls since I figured I'd be happy to find love with anyone male or female, and that person would most likely be male anyway.

    But for some reason, as time went on I became less and less comfortable with this idea. I found myself thinking and reading more and more about sexual orientation, bisexuality, lesbianism, etc, and grew gradually more obsessed with things like lesbian films and TV shows and coming-out stories on YouTube and forums like this one. I found myself looking at women more and thinking about what it would be like to be with them. More recently my attraction to women has evolved to the point of actually wanting to seek them out and date them, and oddly I find myself almost completely uninterested in men now. I have no idea how or why this has happened, but there has definitely been a shift.

    So I'm asking myself things like, "Does this mean my sexual orientation has changed? Does that happen? Am I a lesbian now? Or am I bisexual? Does it even matter?"

    I guess the main thing that worries me when I get to thinking about these things is that lesbian/bisexual women won't be interested in dating me because I have zero experience with women, and have never even been in love with one (I don't think my college crush counts as "love"). I have a strong feeling that I could fall in love with a woman if I met the right one, but I imagine a lot of queer women would be wary of dating someone in my position and I really can't blame them-- they're just protecting themselves. Nobody wants to fall in love with someone only to be told, "Oh sorry, I guess I'm not actually attracted to people of your gender." It seems like a lot of lesbians are reluctant to date bisexual women, so I imagine they'd be even more reluctant to date someone like me who isn't even sure of my orientation. I don't want to hurt anyone and I would never intentionally use someone as an "experiment", but at the same time I feel like I need to try dating women, and even though I know you can't choose who you fall in love with, I really want to fall in love with a woman.

    Sometimes I do wonder, though, if it's just wishful thinking, hoping I might be able to find something better with a woman than the rather disappointing relationships I've had with guys. I wonder if maybe I'm just protecting myself, blocking out my interest in guys because they've hurt me too much. And yet at the same time, I look at guys and think, "Nope, really not interested!" Then I think about how nice it would be to have a girl to cuddle and watch movies with. :lol:

    I know this has gotten really long, but I wrote it more for myself than anyone else really. I don't necessarily expect anyone to read it, but thank you to anyone who has taken the time to do so. And if anyone out there can relate, it would be nice to know I'm not the only one who has these feelings or has had this kind of experience. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 komei, Feb 5, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2015
  2. jay777

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    Hope this is not tmi but imo its necessary to talk about things.
    You might have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/167192-lesbian-sex.html#2

    You might look up further information on the internet... like relaxation exercises, how to get your head free... to concentrate on your sensations to come into the moment...
    to simply relax and let go...

    You could stop overthinking and just start meeting people...
    there should be lgbt centers with courses and activities... support groups... etc..

    You might have a look here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-...fo-you-got-ec-helped-you-accept-yourself.html


    and at this whole thread:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/166447-how-do-you-make-friends-adulthood.html#2


    hugs
     
  3. Inis Aeer

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    Dear Komei, I know that feelings because i've never felt something strong for guys, even if i thought that i liked them.
    We grow up in a society in which our tastes are constantly influenced from what is "right" and "normal", so we can't immagine our selfs in different ways.

    I started thinking about girls during the middle school and when I tried to talk with my mum, she said that was "just esteem".
    So I was censured.
    Now I'm 21 and I have a girlfriend that I love in a way that I'm not able to describe. And I'm feeling happy and complete.

    But at the beginnig it was very challenging for me.
    I remember that I passed hours and hours on internet to find... I don't know... maybe a new label... a new way to describe my self.

    I met people thanks to forums like that and day by day a become more confident.

    You can do the same, taking all the time that you need.

    Sorry for my bad english. I have to improve it, i know ^^"
     
    #3 Inis Aeer, Feb 19, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2015
  4. Zappy

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    I've actually had (am having would be more accurate) a similar experience. I'm in my early 20s and have considered myself straight for most of my life. I have no sexual experience to speak of although I've had crushes on boys growing up. I've found men to be attractive but the actual idea of sex with them is unappealing (also no traumatic experiences to speak of).

    I started developing feelings of same-sex attraction in my late teens, but until recently I simply brushed it off as curiosity. I didn't really give it much though until my best female friend started flirting heavily with me. The way you described your female friend reminds me of her. Pretty and very touchy-feely. Very popular with men. Anyway, at first I thought she was just flirting to be silly but one day her flirting turned into a flat out proposition. I was very tempted to take her up on her offer but she has a boyfriend and I did not want that kind of situation.

    This was all a few months ago. I haven't seen my friend recently, but I now realize I had a crush on her. Hindsight 20-20 I suppose. This event caused me to seriously question my sexual orientation and I also feel like there has been a "shift". I suppose I just had not considered the possibility of being attracted to women. I am now noticing women more and once I feel more comfortable in my orientation (if I ever manage to figure it out) I would be interested in dating women. Moreso than I would be in dating men. I have the same concerns as you. I do not believe my college crush counts as love, and I feel that women would be wary dating someone like me who is not certain of herself. I'm also wondering if my thoughts are just wishful thinking since I've never had anything work out with guys. I'm still struggling to make sense of all this since it happened in a relatively short time period.

    Sorry for the long post. I can't offer any advice, but I can relate.
     
  5. YuriBunny

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    Definitely sounds like you might be bisexual or a lesbian, and I can relate to your story. ^.^ Except I never had any experiences with guys, so I realized only through my imagination that I didn't feel as strongly for them as for girls. I also had a crush on a girl and she really helped me realize how much I loved girls. :slight_smile:
     
  6. womaninamber

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    My story is very similar to yours. I also never got much out of sex with men, and I didn't have an orgasm until I was around 40 years old (and by myself). I also want to date a woman and hopefully fall in love with one but have no idea if a woman would ever get near me when I can't say for sure what my sexuality is.
     
  7. rose135

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    As the other commenters have said, my story is also extremely similar to yours. I wish I could offer more advice to you, but I am like you still trying to work everything out. I will say, though, from what I've found on this forum and elsewhere, it does seem to be common (or at least not totally unusual) to lose interest in the opposite sex once you start accepting the idea of being attracted to the same sex, if you are in fact gay but in denial.

    I am struggling with this myself, and it's confusing because I wonder how my attraction to men could just have disappeared, but for me I think it may have been more something I was "supposed" to feel than what I naturally felt. I also tended to like somewhat feminine men, so it sort of makes sense in that context.

    Hope you stay kind to yourself and work everything out in due time :slight_smile: