Thinking out loud

I’m a first semester Senior in College and I’ve always been straight. Some of my friends are gay and they sometimes joke that I feel so comfortable around them because I’m gay but I don’t know it yet. Last semester I met this girl that has completely rocked my world. She is the star of our women’s basketball team as an incoming Freshman, and is absolutely amazing. I met her because one of my friends liked her and wanted me to be her wing woman. Well it turned out that, let’s call my girl Y, Y was really cool so we became friends. I’ve never thought about being with a girl, but it’s four months later, three of which we have been “dating” and I’m in love. I don’t know what we are doing because Y maintains that she isn’t gay, she just has these feelings for me, and I’m trying to understand what being straight but being in love with a woman means. We avoid the topics surrounding the future but this weekend I met her parents and there are times we make jokes that we can’t wait to get married, and just how blessed we are to have found our match. It’s pretty obvious to other people that we are together, and we do a really poor job of hiding it. I don’t want to hide her, I’ve never loved anyone like I love this woman and I really do think this is the purest love.

I guess what I’m struggling with is if it’s worth it to put in the work of continuing to invest in this relationship when both of us are confused and scared to commit to the lifestyle and the pressure of having to come out to our friends and family. I acknowledge that this is really early but I like direction in my life and the thought of just letting things unfold scares me. I invest in relationships and give it my all. I don’t want this to end, she is my princess in shining armor, and is far from perfect, but sees me and my flaws and accepts them. She keeps saying that she can’t see herself without me, and that she believes we could spend a lifetime together, but I’m so confused and can’t talk to anyone.