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Back to square one...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jax12, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. Jax12

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A while ago I concluded that I was straight and that it would take time for me to recover from long term porn use and being sexually abused by men. But now I'm back to where I started.

    I'm aware of my fantasies on older men and their dominant physique. At the moment, it is based upon sex. Nothing in terms of crushes/feelings. Now mind you that I've had these thoughts when I was 12, and I knew about the gay term for my whole life. Despite having these sexual thoughts about older men, I still had no feelings for guys, and the gay term never posed much of a threat in my mind until a couple months ago.

    On a personal note, it doesn't seem right for me to identify as gay if I don't have any feelings for guys. On the other hand, if I had feelings for guys, then that's okay and I'll accept it and move on. If I know I'll be happier with a guy then that's okay, I'd rather live with happiness then to live a lie.

    I never had any homophobia behind the LGBTQ community, yet I cannot come to terms to myself about my orientation. Does anyone know what the heck is going on?

    TL;DR If I'm gay then that's fine, but I cannot see myself living with a man, nor can I ever date one because I never saw them in that way. I've spoken to my psychologist for months now and she says I don't sound like I'm in denial. I'm an open minded guy though; if my kid was gay, I would do anything to ensure his safety and happiness in his life.
     
  2. kindy14

    kindy14 Guest

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    Have you explored your sexual abuse with your psychologist? Just curious.

    You are searching for an answer no one else can give you. The central question to every one of us, who am I?

    You don't have to pick a label and conform to it. After making the decision to come out, I'm pretty much the same person I've been now for 25 years. I'm expressing myself more, and I'm taking risks in my life to move it forward.

    Just be yourself. Love and companionship will happen when you find the right person.
     
  3. Jax12

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'll talk to my psychologist about it soon, but until then I don't know what's going on. If I'm gay then that's fine but my mind says that's not who I am, especially when I look back at my life.

    Not sure why I'm so fixated on a label. Like you said, I'll still be the same person as I was all along.