Id first like to say that i've been looking on these forums for a while and i truly feel for anyone that is going through what i have for the past 2 years. It's made my life a living hell day in and day out. I apologize in advance for my long post but id like to put everything out there. All advice is appreciated. Im a 25year old Male who has identified as straight for as long as i can remember. Despite a lot of experimenting at a young age(with girls and boys) my crushes were always on the opposite sex. In middle school i found myself lusting after girls and wanting to date them but i was always pretty overweight and they didn't get the time of day. Fast forward to highschool i turned into a very socially anxious and angry person. My home life wasn't good. My parents were divorced, i didn't like my stepfather at the time and my mother was an alcoholic. Anyways, i don't remember lusting over girls in highschool like i did in middleschool but from what i remember it was because i thought i was inadequate. At the end of my senior year i started breaking out of my shell more and i ended up finding a girl i was extremely into who i ended up losing my virginity to. We dated for 2 years before it came to an end. I then went on to meet my second girlfriend soon after who i dated for another 2 years before that came to an end also. (both of which i broke off) About a year into my second relationship i ended up becoming extremely into fitness and i guess some would say i blossomed. I started getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex and that's where it all started. I ended up cheating on her with multiple girls which drove me to break it off because it didn't feel right to do that to her. For the next few years i went on to have sex with as many females as possible and loved every minute of it. The part where everything gets confusing to me is i discovered all sorts of porn at a very young age. I went on to use straight,incest,shemale,male masturbation and even gay porn up untill i was 23 which is when my entire life came to a hault. I woke up one morning after drinking and seen there was gay porn on my computer screen which sent me into an immediate panic attack. Ever since that day my life has not been the same. I never once noticed a male in real life and thought i was sexually attracted to him. I have always been able to say a male is goodlooking and admire there physique but i never thought anything further than that. I constantly find myself questioning everything now which has made my life hell. My libido comes and goes in spurts(gone for the most part) and everything that can be gay related spikes so much anxiety in me. I tried settling down with a girl recently that i thought i had feelings for which ultimately resulted in even more questioning because i couldn't feel what i wanted to feel with her. Am i deeply repressed and in denial? i feel like my entire life is a whole big lie but i just cant see myself dating a man as hard as i try. It seems so unnatural for me(nothing against the gay culture at all). I cant take any more of this torture, its ruined my life.
So, I am pretty new here but you asked for anyone, so I will give you my opinion. It sounds like you are straight to me. If you have only had crushes on girls and you can't imagine dating a guy you probably aren't gay. Almost every mention of porn that I have seen on this site says that porn is a powerful stimulant but not a good indicator of sexual orientation. I can relate to your questioning and a similar progression in porn use. For me I think that my changes is porn use (solo female, lesbian, straight, shemale, bisexual, gay) is a result of me slowly accepting that I might be gay and allowing myself to be attracted to what I wanted. I have recently been almost exclusively viewing gay porn, but I can totally see me dating a man and have a huge crush on one right now. That tells me that I am probably gay, maybe bi, but definitely not straight. I think about my sexuality a lot and question it quite a bit, but I don't let it bother me. I'm okay with being gay, as long as I am happy. I have only come out to other gay people (and this forum) and I worry about what my family will think when I tell them, but ultimately it is my life and I want to live it fully. My advice to you would be to try not to worry about your sexuality. Try to eliminate porn, at least for a while, and see what and who you like in the real world. Be willing to accept yourself any way that you are and enjoy life.
Two possibilities I can think of - you are straight but developed taboo tastes due to the symptoms of porn addiction; or you had a latent bisexual side and it came out more via experimenting with porn. That fact that you said you experimented with guys earlier in your life makes me think you may be somewhat bisexual. But don't freak out about it...maybe it's like 10% only...and there is nothing saying you have to act it in real life unless you feel comfortable doing so. What is bad is to actively repress it and deny it, that just makes it stronger, and NEVER works at getting rid of those urges. Quick summary of porn addiction - basically it's like a drug, you start needing stronger and stronger stuff to get the same turn-on. So you might start with just watching a hot woman. Then a hot woman being fucked by a guy. Then by 3 guys. Then some gangbang or bdsm stuff. Then some transexual porn. Then gay. It can go even more than that, into very transgressive even illegal stuff, so I'd recommend trying to quit watching porn. Google "porn addiction" and you should find some links, lots of guys found the same thing happen to them. The cure seems to be to avoid all porn and masturbating for a long time (months at a minimum). Sounds hard but it is possible, I basically quit porn for other reasons and eventually succeeded after many failed efforts. If you get drunk or take drugs then I would recommend quitting because it's when you are drunk and tired (and horny) that you are most likely to look at porn. Also delete any you have on your pc, and consider an adult content filter. My advice is quit the porn, go see a therapist qualified in sex/porn addiction, and LGBT issues, and tell them what you posted here. A professional will give a better set of advice, and it seems to be bothering you a lot. Finally, I would recommend not stressing out so much. If it turns out you partly like guys, so what? It's not the end of the world. You don't have to act on it. Just keep it as a fantasy if you like. But, if you find yourself starting to like guys in real life, then repressing it will probably be harmful in the long run. Right now it seems more just a porn-induced fantasy, so cut off the porn and your problem should diminish.
Hey AnomJB, a few things I'd like to address before I dive deep into what I think. Porn should not be used when you are questioning your orientation. I still do it, and it's not helping. Porn is limited to arousal; it shows no relationships between two people. What you find arousing in porn may not be arousing in reality. In addition, the type of porn you watch can be a variety of reasons. Long usage of porn can result in radical changes in taste. My porn usage has escalated to incest (father/son) which is somehow arousing in porn, but disgusting to me in reality. We often fantasies about what it would be like if we did something or if we were something, and that's what porn provides. That's why some guys won't be grossed out when they see straight or gay porn because there's a place where they can picture themselves in. I often picture myself in a very attractive man's shoes, but it's only with older men which is a bit odd. It's also gotten more violent (rape), and so porn has the potential to change your tastes, but not your orientation. It can cause confusion though, which is evident in your post. On a personal note, all my life I've had crushes on girls, and had talks with my guy friends about which girl is attractive or not, and it felt natural to me. I watched movies, music videos, etc of heterosexual couples and it felt normal to me, like one day I would be married to a wife. I suppose for some gay individuals, this would throw them off and they would imagine themselves with the same sex, not the opposite sex. The thought of sex with guys in general causes a lot of discomfort in me. It's gotten to the point where I can imagine myself having sex with that individual but not enjoying it at all. I would be doing it for the sake of orgasms, but mentally I would not be enjoying it. That's what porn has done to me. Cut the porn immediately. Even if you are straight, porn will ruin your expectations for real sex. It could also cause ED, which is not very fun to hear. I'm speaking from 7 years of exposure. ---------- Post added 10th Feb 2015 at 01:41 AM ---------- This is a prime example of when porn may not always align with sexual orientation. The reasons for why people watch porn is limitless.
The hardest part is the constant questioning. I'l see a goodlooking male in real life or tv now and get nervous that im attacted to them which makes it hard to seperate my sexual confusion from just saying "alright thats a goodlooking dude right there" and admiring them like i would have in the past without questioning a thing. I also just got major surgery on my foot and am on bed rest which leaves me no outlet to get away from these thoughts. I've become obsessed with roaming the internet for answers which i know i cant get... Ive also been talking to a girl and having sexual relations with her but recently ive had so much guilt about all this thas its hard to talk to her now. What should i do?
AnomJB - I recommend not stressing about if you might be attracted to one or two guys from the public eye. It's no big deal, you aren't going to meet them anytime soon. And there's nothing bad in having mild bisexual curiosity, even if you are 95% straight. Just continue with day to day life and if you are happy with a woman, stay with her. If one day you are single and meet a guy and get strong interest in him, give it a shot. If that never happens, then voila - nothing to worry about. The stress here is all coming from your own mind. Just accept you are not quite in the '100% straight in all thoughts' box you assumed before.
AnomJB, i feel exactly the same as you....although i never really experimented with guys when i was younger....but the gay porn viewing causes me distress....i keep thinking "it must mean something" and i have began questioning how genuine my several relationships with women were and if i subconsciously was masking my gayness while i had sex with over 100 women....if i'm honest, i logically believe that if i were gay, i would have known by now...but then i question again when your eye catches another internet story about some guy who came out later in life... I think.... Is that gonna be me? I can't offer any advice here mate, its just a post to let you know that you are not alone!
You guys need to stop the gay porn and think it has something to do with your orientation. I've been there, been clean for a month. "It must mean something" is what I always hear myself saying. Go out there and interact with people. If you want, use an app to communicate with guys for a quick chat for example. I found that talking with them and whatnot was erotic, but as soon as they said lets meet up now for example, I'll get hesitant and say maybe next time, or some lame excuse. Sometimes people just know, while others like me need to experiment. Your job is sort out all your feelings, and you'll have an easier time when you simply talk to people, and see where that goes. I'm still going through the interacting stage, so it might take a while. Explore what makes you happy, and take it with a grain of salt. Don't put too much thought in it. You need to tell yourself that what you are doin is EXPLORING yourself, and understanding yourself for the better.
Jax12, i appreciate what you are saying...and i have to admit, maybe i need to step away from porn altogether (i am not limited to masturbating to just gay porn, i masturbate to several, but gay porn is the only one that has caused me some distress). In reality, i was never interested in dating or pursuing a male for anything else. It would purely be for a friendship...i do notice when a guy is nice looking, but i never find myself wanting to rip his clothes off and have sex with him, quite the opposite in fact. The only thing that has caused me to question myself is the fact that i can get off to gay porn and this has impacted on my natural sexuality. Before this, i would have been pursuing women like mad, but now its like a mental block...everytime i try to chat women up at the moment, my natural sexuality is being suppressed by thoughts of being able to get off to gay porn, which then causes me to question myself about if this is my deepest darkest desire and has it all been smoke and mirrors for the whole of my life. I have had a guy chat me up before and ask me to go home with him randomly...i don't think i was guving off a gay vibe....while i wqsn't in the slightest bit offended, it didn't interest me. It did however make me slightly uncomfortable, and made me anxious again about my sexuality...was i giving off a vibe, why did he choose to ask me, why was i uncomfortable about this...was it because i wasn't confident about my own sexuality? (Which is stupid as i had spent mist of my night trying to get off with a woman). As you are probably aware, i tend to overthink things....but i think thats okay, because at least then, i will have considerd all possibilities and no stone is left unturned and i have not suppressed any natural inclinations. The issue i have with all this questioning is that it is killing my mojo, and i feel unable to enjoy life at the moment due to these thoughts preoccupying my mind. I do think porn might play a part in this...i think i might be over indulging in this and it is possibly skewing how i veiw sexualuty and attraction. I just feel a but lost at the moment....you know. Im searching for answers that will help me, but i haven't found any.
Sometimes when I'm on this forum i feel like its the blind leading the blind since a lot of us are questioning but i do appreciate the posts. Its nice to know you aren't going through things alone. I am trying to take it day by day but its easier said then done. After 2 years of constant non stop questioning you get tired. I do notice that when i have an overall well being the questioning subsides a little. It makes me wonder whether i am just severely depressed but then i think, a big part of the depression came on after the questioning. Its a never ending thought process!
Yeah, i know what you mean. One thing that is consistent however is the advice from the administrators, which i consider to be quite sound and helpful. Masturbating without porn for a while and concentrating on the desires based on my personal thoughts may give me a better, fuller perspective. I can honestly say that i have never had any crushes on guys. I have had close bonds with guys as friends, but there has never been a sexual connection there ever. As mentioned previously, i have slept with over 100 women and not one male. When i cheated on my last gf, it was with a string of women...and i never thought about having sex with a male, (all the while masturbating to the occasional gay porno). To my mind, i am not rationalising away the gay in order to keep the privilege of saying im straight, this us purely based on fact. What flared up the whole questioning for me waz the fact that i stopped wanting to have sex with my ex gf, all the while masturbating to gay porn. Having had a bit of time to consider everything, i think the reason i did not wish to have sex with her was because we were arguing constantly, i was stressed out being with her, and more often than not, i was very angry with her. I would go to bed at night and not even wish to touch her. I know now having been split up with her for about 4 months that the fay porn was not the problem, it was the relationship we gad, we just were not compatible. How have i come to this realisation - because i fantasise in my own head about the sex we used to have, and it seriously turns me on now (because all the other shit is not going on like the fights and the stress). I still look at women and wish to chat them up with a view to having sex with them. I also use my own thoughts to think about sex i had with other girls and get turned on. I have actively tried to do this about gay guys i know, and even straight guys i know who i consider to be good looking - and nothing. I can honestly say that it does nothing for me. But if i was to watch gay sex visually, i can get off to it. This is where my anxiety and questioning kicks in...its the what ifs and whys that i can't shake. But you know, maybe an extended period away from porn may do me the world of good because using this method of late is giving me some clear answers. Maybe you should try this too mate....
