Before I start, I should probably let you guys know that this post might be a little bit long. It's been a while since I've talked about how I feel, and I really need to kind of... let it out. Any advice, really, ANY, would be great. When I was growing up, I always knew that I liked men. I mean, at like 2 years old, I remember reenacting the kissing scene of The Little Mermaid like a thousand times, pretending that my pillow was Prince Eric because, let's face it, he's clearly the hottest Disney prince ever. I'm only 17, but all my life, I've had like MAJOR crushes on guys, I've fallen in love deeply and even a few months ago I was really heartbroken because the guy I thought was perfect for me ended up being a jerk and didn't really like me the way that I thought he did. He didn't even like me at all. (I was about to go on to talk about how he broke my heart but THAT IS NOT THE POINT. I need to get my head in the game) Like... my point is, I've always loved men. Always. There had never been a time in which I paused and thought "hmm... maybe I like girls too." Like, no. Never. It was always BOYS, BOYS, BOYS, BOYS, BOYS! But I say "had" because a few months ago, I started doubting my sexuality. Not because I felt sudden attraction to any girls, or because I had a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex as mine. It just happened all of a sudden. I woke up one day and thought "what if you're gay?" After that, my anxiety got pretty bad. I wouldn't go out, I'd either sleep all day or just not at all, I'd cry myself to sleep, and I was avoiding things like TV shows, magazines, pictures, instagram accounts, etc... really anything that might have a picture of a pretty girl that might trigger my anxiety attacks. All because I didn't want to be gay. I don't want to be. It's gotten so bad that literally anything will make me think "what if this means you're gay?!" I've even gotten stereotypical, which I absolutely hate, but... for some reason, I just can't control my thoughts. It's making me crazy! If I go a day without shaving, my mind instantly goes "it's probably because you're a lesbian" or if I wear a baggy sweater, my mind will go "this will make you look like a man. you probably decided to dress like this because it's your subconscious telling you that... you're gay" - and if you think that's bad, it gets worse. I don't know if general anxiety disorder can bring along social anxiety (**I don't really know much about social anxiety, so I don't know if I have it or not**), but I get really nervous whenever I'm about to hang out with anyone. I start sweating, my heart starts beating really fast, and I'd rather just NOT go out than have to go through talking to people, making conversation... it's just... nerve-wracking. When it's with girls, my mind usually goes "what if you're nervous because you're gay? Maybe you're nervous because you have a crush on one of them, but you just don't know it yet. Maybe you'll find out now. What if you subconsciously know, but don't want to admit it? You might be just too deeply in the closet." and when it's with guys, it's like "hmm... you're nervous because last time you hung out with them, you didn't really feel attracted to any of these guys. maybe it's because you're gay. That's why you don't feel anything." Even when I'm with a guy that I actually like, my mind is like "you're probably nervous because you're forcing yourself to believe he's your crush. what if you're lying to yourself? You're just TOO DEEP INTO THE CLOSET to really admit that you don't like men and you're lying to yourself." I feel like I'm going crazy. I know that there is nothing wrong with being gay! I fully support gay people and the LGBT community, but what I guess gives me more anxiety is the thought of marrying a girl and creating a life with her. I don't want that. I don't feel that way about them. I want to marry a guy, have kids, etc... that's what I want! But... what if I'm gay? What if I'm just deeply in the closet? I don't want to be! It's... it's frustrating. I've been trying to cope with this, but... I can't. It's killing me inside, and... I feel terrible. I need advice. THIS ISN'T VERY IMPORTANT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONTINUE READING but I was going to go talk to the counsellor at my high school, and... ask her about it. See what it is, but... I'm embarrassed. I don't want her to know, because what if she tells me that I'm gay? And I feel like I'm being selfish for talking about my feelings to other people... so I've been keeping everything inside and
Have you ever asked yourself if you had feelings for girls? Your anxiety is what you need to target first, not your orientation. Get that dealt with first, whether it would be outside help or at EC. Get your anxiety down, and then come back to your orientation. What makes you think you're gay? And just because a guy identifies as gay it doesn't put them in the "gay" category. Sexuality is on a continuum.
I have! I do, every single time I question my sexuality, I take deep, steady breaths, and as soon as I stop feeling like my heart is going to fall out of my chest, I ask myself... "do I like them? Do I like any of the girls I know?" and the answer is ALWAYS no, because I don't! But... for some reason that just... it doesn't stick to my head. I don't even know if Im just making excuses now to avoid the fact that I might be gay, but... I'm pretty sure I'm not. It's weird, and it's making me sad.
That's odd because I do the exact same thing. Whenever there's a man with certain physical features it kind of kick starts my anxiety. Then thinking about it is a dread. I can hang out with my friends no problem without these anxious thoughts, but now I'm always asking myself I'm attracted to this person or that person... I hope you don't mind my asking you this, but how is your relationship with your parents?
"what if she tells me that I'm gay?" hey, nobody else can tell you what you are :lol: only you knows exactly who you want and what you want to happen i honestly don't get why you feel like you're being gay when you're not being attracted to another girl.. i don't know if it's the heartbreak from the opposite sex that makes you think like, you wanna turn to the same sex.. but just go with it for now, you're still very young just don't feel pressured to do or feel anything that you don't want to (*hug*) :thewave:
It's pretty great! I'm not really sure how this would affect anything, though, but... I mean, I've always gotten along great with both of them. I (usually) tell them everything that's going on my life, and they're very supportive of everything I do and stuff... they're amazing. I love them. I don't want to turn the same sex, though! That's the problem. What I meant when I mentioned the heartbreak was that... it seems weird to me that I started doubting my sexuality when just like 2 weeks before, I was head over heels in love with some guy, you know? I don't know. I don't know what's happening. Hahaha all I know is that I'm confused as hell, and I can't seem to figure it out.
That's good to hear. I asked because the only reason for me to believe I'm gay is that I'm too scared to ask girls out, and I can imagine having sex with father figures. There's been no emotional connection to any of the guys I know, even up till now. And yes I am very distant with my father. I got hit a lot when I was young and verbally abused so that's also a reason why I'm not very comfortable with guys in general that are bigger than me.
Oh, my God. I am so, so sorry to hear that! I know how you're feeling, though. About the not having an emotional connection to people of the same sex. Like, I don't even know why I'm questioning! I don't feel things for girls... I wish I could just figure it out and... stop, but I can't. There's also this thing... like... when I see a guy that I know is hot, and I don't feel anything (like my heart skipping a beat), I instantly go, "does this mean anything? am I not interested in him? am I not interested in men?" and I forgot what's even normal! Like, I don't remember if before all of this started, I would look at a guy and instantly feel something, or if it's normal to just... not react.
Yes, it's normal to be a straight girl and not be attracted to every hot guy you see. If you showed me a bunch of pictures of "hot" guys I would probably only be attracted to a few. If you are still only attracted to guys, no matter how many, you are straight.
