One of my dear EC friends just private messaged me, expressing the same doubts and anxiety that caused me a lot of sadness earlier in my life. As I've readily disclosed elsewhere, I came out as bisexual at 16, after having known since I was 14. But I struggled with shame for six years. I never really owned being bisexual until 22. The components of shame though, I felt were different. I went through the standard components of shame, believing the physical acts I deeply desire in my sexuality were disgusting or likely to get me excluded from almost all social groups. But in the second instance, I went through what I would call repeated episodes of requestioning. "Am I really bisexual? Maybe I'm gay. Well, I started being attracted to the opposite gender again, after almost half a year. Now I hardly feel a gay thought ever. What the fuck is going on? Why am I stuck like this in my twenties?" I think I didn't snap out of it until my first positive sexual encounter. From that point forward, I was able to enjoy--actively appreciate--being bisexual. However, I feel like it was an unnecessarily long road. I'm just wondering if other multisexuals here had a similar experience. Cheerfully, Adrienne
Pretty much confused at first having thought you had to be one or the other. And if I was gay? It was a dangerous time for homosexuals in the 80's. I ended up taking the safer road but now I know what/who I am as I did deep down back then.
I suspect it was the kind of family I was raised in more than anything, but honestly, I didn't have angst. It was a very casual realization (at the same age you had it...16). I guess I'm not much of a guilt or shame person. I figure if it's coming from inside me, it can't be bad...at least not to me...and if others think it's bad, then they have a problem with me...and can go hang. I dunno Adrienne...6 years may feel like a long road now...and it is, at about a quarter of your life. But I suspect that in several more years, you may come to see it as a rather brief period, and be grateful it wasn't longer or prolonged with extensive denial. But even if it *was* long..."unnecessarily"? I'd say that if it took you that long to get to where you could not just tolerate, but embrace and actively appreciate your sexuality, then the time was absolutely necessary. If you could have gotten there more quickly, you more certainly would have, no?
I'm well aware it was dangerous. I watched a documentary about the Stonewall Rebellion. At least in the United States, things were so bad that the police were regularly busting known gay hangouts. Gay men were often so discreet and risky that they had anal sex in huge groups in the back of tractor semi-trailers. Coming out was, much more than today, a life and death decision to be made with the utmost care. I only mention this because I want you to know that not all of us under-30s have forgotten our history. (*hug*)
Yeah I knew I was attracted to boys and girls alike as a preteen. But I didn't know what to do with that. I didn't even know what bisexual was back then; I had a pretty sheltered life. I was way confused. I thought I had to be one or the other. I just felt like I wasn't normal. I thought "well maybe I am a lesbian. Why am I attracted to some girls? But how can I be a lesbian when I am attracted to men also? And why am I attracted to women when I am attracted to men? What is going on?" I only dated men for the longest time and identified as straight... Then in my 20's I had strong desires for women and started seeing women. But still I labeled as bicurious and was confused even though I have always had attraction towards both; I just didn't know what to do with that. Finally in my mid twenties, I had a long talk with a supportive gay friend and after much thought decided, F it.. I am bisexual and that is ok; I don't have to pick a side; I need to embrace my sexuality. Sooo.... I accepted who I am wholeheartedly... Recently I started coming out to more friends. And I was surprised. They were not understanding to start with, gay and straight a like, unlike my gay friend I initially talked to. I was very surprised at the prejudice I got from both gay and straight friends. But luckily with education they did come around and become more supportive. I never felt ashamed of being bisexual. I was just very confused for a long time. When I did accept my sexuality; it was still emotional and complicated at times...heck it's still hard to figure my feelings out sometimes but I just roll with it. I never thought it was something I should feel bad about though until my friends reacted negatively, and I found out that people held a lot of prejudice towards bisexuals. But this didn't make me feel ashamed; just saddened and a bit pissed too. I made it my mission to educate my friends. But, yes, I think accepting bi or pansexuality can be a difficult thing; there is a lot of questioning or there was for me.
Yep. Definitely have had (and sometimes get bouts of) the "requestioning". In the beginning for me, I had to deal with non-accepting parents and chose very carefully the friends I would otherwise want to know - it's a practice I still adopt but for different reasons to back then. It took me a little time to come to the realisation I was bisexual, or believing that was okay given I had never had much exposure to understanding what that meant or felt like growing up. Being a child of the 80s and a teen of the 90s, moving around a lot meant there were other things to focus on; and some subjects slipped through the cracks. I am comfortable as a bisexual though, and am open about that in the beginning of a (potentially) romantic relationship, which even as I write that seems odd it would differ to a social relationship where it is guarded information. Sexuality is a large part of who we are but it isn't the only deciding factor in who we become. I think the very important thing in any journey or path is understanding where it sits as part of us.
Thanks. Just wanted to add a little background to paint the picture. Now days the NSW Police admit that the number of gay murders in Sydney they just treated as suicide comes to a conservative estimate of 200 covering the 70's/80's. Away from that pressure, the internal questioning never helped any. I didn't know you could be both until I heard Elton John speaking about bisexuality. I started to feel a little connection there.
Yep still doing it. At the moment I'm using the term bisexual, but it's the 4th time I've changed my sexual orientation status in the last 2 months.
