I had been dating my boyfriend for a month when he told me he was bi during the Christmas break. Thing is, he had known about me being bi ever since we met, and I think he should've told me when we started dating. But that's okay cause coming out is a process, so I just forgot about it. But I'm slightly more bothered now, because when we talked about sexual experience (back when I thought he was straight) he told me he was a virgin. But recently he admitted to having done stuff with a guy, and he refuses to say more. Being bi as well, I feel it'd be dishonest to say I'm a virgin if I'd done any type of sexual act with a lady. What do you guys think, am I just freaking out?
As coming out is a process, so is admitting what sexual relations one might have had. My rule of thumb, in a relationship, is to not even ask about someone's sexual history. What's in the past is in the past.
I partly agree. I don't mean to pry, and I definitely don't want a tale of his past sexual experiences. I just feel like knowing he's had intercourse before (or the fact that he did and said he didn't) is relevant, just like a medical history.
Well, if he has not engaged in anal sex, he would still be a virgin in that way. So, it may simply be his definition of what "virgin" means to a non-straight man.
Honestly, I'd be pissed off at the lie of sexual history. This is why I don't like the concept of virginity at all, because people make up too many definitions and loopholes to make excuses...If you do anything sexual with someone, even if Its just a handjob...I find it hard to consider one to be a virgin and would consider them to have lied to me.
Well, I will stand by my statement, people have different definitions of virginity. Virginity - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Thing is, I don't care whether someone is a virgin or not (beyond making sure they're comfortable about having sex), but not being completely honest about your sexual history doesn't sound too great. I personally think it's important to know if your partner has past partners or has had unprotected sex, that kind of stuff, just for your sexual health. Beyond that, though, the concept of virginity is too fuzzy, and he can consider himself a virgin even if he's done certain things. I can understand why he didn't out himself to you, and since he wasn't out to you it makes sense that he didn't tell you about this guy.
We also don't know if he's had anal sex or not, he could have had anal sex and considered himself a virgin because he's never slept with women. We can argue the definitions of virginity all day, but the honest, technical definition of a virgin is someone who has never had penis-in-vagina sex. A gay man who has had anal sex is still a virgin by the technical definition, and some bi men will follow that "doesn't count unless It's with a woman" definition. So it's really hard to say or argue what he did or didn't do. Personally speaking, ignoring the technical definition for a minute, I believe that virgin = no genital contact, ever (discounting masturbation). While people may disagree, It's more important that your partner knows your sexual history. It doesn't matter that someone "might not count oral sex" or whatever, they can still spread STDs through oral, including the HIV virus (even if It's not as big of a risk). Virginity is useless; it means nothing, It's more important to keep your partners safe instead of playing mind-games with a useless term.
Exact reasons why I was bothered. It's not a big deal, but if I'm not sure about him being honest or safe, I'm also not sure I want to sleep with him. I also agree that "virginity" is a wide term, which is why I asked and got no answer. It doesn't matter much that he is or isn't, but I'd like to think we can communicate before we go any further. Anyway thanks you guys (*hug*)
