My dad always tells me I shouldn't have too many points of interest in life, pick what I want and go for it. I don't think he is the wisest man on earth, but I do find this bit true. What do I want? I want to be with someone, I want to live the average life, being the average house wife is good enough. [no haters yet, pls just wait] But I can't. To be with someone I need to tolerate his faults and love his imperfections; expecting he will do likewise. But I can't, I can not tolerate the disappointing behaviors of average men. [no haters, pls, not yet] Because I don't love them, I don't need a man any more than to show the world that I am a woman. Back track a bit I am 22, university graduate student, loves to paint & sketch. I am Asian, have lived in Canada for most of my life. Yeah Canada(!) The Asian community is this small (I know most pp think there r too many of us already, its okay, I understand), let's say half of these r women, how many do u think r gay? The chance of me meeting someone I like and who likes me back is ...:eusa_naug practically zero if I don't come out and publicly advertise for myself. But on the other hand, if I do come out, EVERYBODY would know, zero chance of me going back to being "not-gay" 97-98% is the oriental countries' marriage rate. I don't want to get into why this is how it is, suffice to say that most pp do make this choice voluntarily and not out of necessity. A matter of priority and values This pre-Valentine day, I went on a date with a guy, like God so wishes (did I mention I am Christian?), I'd say I'm average looking?, and I ought to be content with an average guy. But I can't, I kept looking at his face, his beard and skin, and I go, why cant I be with the lady next table, who smells like roses. I don't care how she looks, how smart she is, what's her job, as long as she a nice person, and warm and soft I'd fall desperately in love. :icon_redf. I don't care she is twice my age, even better, she can guide me through so much, my heart says I'd rather be her puppy than the other guy's gf. That being said, allow me speak from a more practical point of view (a lot of us can not afford to be romantic), a man marries a woman, they have children, build a family, social norm holds them together. When its two women, it only goes as far as the kisses r still sweet and the embraces, hot. I can just see myself suddenly alone at 40, and I don't want that. My feel like my safest bet is to get married with a decent man and live the life that many has led before me, so that there is much less of a chance for things to go wrong. If 98% of women do it why can't I. I will grow out of this I hope? God why is this so hard, I work my ass off, I make a huge effort to look as pretty as possible, and I just want a piece of average life. :bang:
I've had similar thoughts, but the situations aren't exact and I am younger. Anyway, I would go with your gut on this one. If you can, test it out. Try dating a girl. Definitely don't suppress your feelings and settle. I as well kinda of just want a simple life, a picket fence and a few kids. I always told myself I had to find a nice husband, kind and nothing extraordinary in the look department. But as I continued to grow and explore particular feelings, I realized I don't want a man and nothing can change that. So my advice to you is dip your toe into the wonderful sea of women, and see how you like it. You don't even have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Do it for you.
Hello VKAguda! As another Asian in the LGBT community, I can understand your pain. Hell, my mom still occasionally talks about how I "just need to find a nice man who'll make me feel like a woman again". Asian culture places so, so much stress on the traditional family unit, we've been told that having a family and kids is pretty much the most important part of our lives. Women especially are pressured to find husbands because of how Asian culture is still clinging on to an outdated patriarchal hierarchy. From what you've said, it sounds like you definitely won't be happy getting married to a man. Even if you do settle down with a husband, have an "average life" as you say with a man, do you think you'll ever be happy that way? If you would rather be "her puppy than the other guy's gf", then how can you be happy by forcing yourself into a relationship with a man? Your perspective seems to be a bit skewed..."social norms" should not, and definitely ARE NOT the things which should hold a marriage together. "Social norms" are what made my mother stay with an abusive husband for 30 years, only for him to have an affair and leave us anyway. Heterosexual marriages are not "more stable" than a same-sex marriage. There are many same-sex couples who have fulfilling relationships which last well into old age. As people like to say, "love is love" regardless of gender. "98% of women" are married because they're either straight or in the closet. As much as you might not want to, you don't seem to be part of that 98% and you likely won't ever be happy trying to pretend to be straight. Also, don't forget that divorce rates are actually on the rise in Asia as people are becoming more and more globalized. As sad as that appears, it just further proves that straight relationships do not automatically lead to a "happy life". Many heterosexual marriages are littered with issues, it's just that divorce still has a giant stigma to it in Asian culture which makes many unhappy couples stuck in a marriage. I agree with Belle, you should at least try to explore your feelings a bit. Live your life the way *you* want to for a few days and see how it works out.
Thank you all for u replies It was a rough day, and I think my mind wasn't, well, you know... You r absolutely right. I figured it out, the dating pool is so small. and me not that attractive)=> I need to learn to live alone. Not stunning + 5.10" tall is a dreadful combination, and I don't want to settle for some dirty/bad person, because god damn it, I came from a culture where tall is common (yes Asians) and attractive(!) My parents don't care much about me, my mom hates me either way, she just wants my dad and I pack our bags and leave, so she can go about fuck men, while cont. getting money from my dad. :dry: Basically I just want to be loved and love in return. Even tho I think I am attracted to women, I think I might have been scared, by my upbringing. I have tried to heal myself by meeting nice pp, reading good books, etc. But a scar is a scar. I had an empty childhood, a huge scare for my teenage yrs., and suddenly I am an adult. Gay or straight I don't know what to do, where to start. I work in the health profession, I have seen how hard it is for burned victims to find love. Internal scars r scars, nobody want to date such an incomplete person and I understand. At least I can still give a man a child, what can I do for a woman, how can I deserve her love? I think this is the main problem. So confused, will I ever sort this out.
I can't relate exactly to what you are experiencing because of the cultural difference, but I notice someone already said stuff which could be helpful with regard to that :3 well, I don't think anyone should judge you for wanting to be a housewife. if it makes you happy nobody can tell you otherwise. you have the right to do what you like with this time on the earth. dude I am so tired of people putting their own perceptions of how we should behave onto us. there's too much pressure. if you're a stay at home mum/housewife then you're either lazy or oppressed. if you work and don't have children you're selfish and you're not living a fulfilling life. if you like many people at once you are a whore. if you are afraid of those things there is something wrong with you to be fixed. NO NO NO! everyone is so different and all meant to live a different life.. the only thing you need to be concerned of is being happy. I suggest you don't feel pressure to categorise yourself but if it helps you to do so then research those things and see what fits you. try to meet people who are similar and have friendships/relationships with them. also maybe it would be good to try and meet people who have similar upbringings/cultural views to yourself but who are also struggling with their sexual orientation. sometimes you can figure things out collectively. good luck *hug*
Thank you Thats very true, I wish I can meet someone like me too, but seriously whats the likelihood? I did the math, 0 before I hit 30 Sigh. Thanks tho
First off, you are still young! No need to worry about getting married. Maybe women marry young where you live? But still, I don't think you should worry about marriage yet. Have fun and enjoy life! And be you. Don't let family or society or anyone tell you who you should be. If you let others decide your life, you will just be miserable. Try dating women and see how you feel. You don't have to come out of the closet. It might be more dificult to meet a woman when you are in the closet; but just work on it. Most importantly, just make you happy.
I think you're too hard on yourself. I believe anybody can find someone that will love them If they look around enough. You should follow your heart and not let your society determine your life. It sounds to me like you are into women from what you said. You should go for it! It may not be easy, people might not understand, but it's better to pursue happiness than to live an unhappy lie because you don't want to rock the boat. Have you considered widening your dating pool to those outside your own race? That would give you a lot more chances to find someone.
Thanks, and thank to all of you. I don't think I will go for women anymore. What ever my physiological wishes r, psychologically I can not look at a woman without thinking of the shit I had to deal with with the b**** I once called mom. I know 99% of women are not selfish b******， but I can not escape from all the emotional stresses. When I find the right man who loves or who at least like me enough, that's that. But my case is special, I am always special, damn it. So, I do think if the natural calls you to like man or women and u r not deeply scared inside. go for it! I am so desperate to leave my family behind, think I went mad a bit. But now I'm back on track P.s, I wasn't limiting myself by race, but there is a bit of cultural difference even if I literally grew up here. I don't think orientals r that well liked by others anyways, maybe? I dont know. Plus I am more attracted to pp who speak my language, shares the same cultural background. But Im not consciously selecting, Im not that kinda person. Pls dont get me wrong.
Hmm. It sounds like you understand that you are attracted to women and not really attracted to men. If you do decide to get into a relationship with a man, I would just very very very strongly suggest that you be completely open with him about your sexual orientation--that you are attracted to women and not to men but that you want to be a wife and mother. It's not fair to him if you hide such a core part of yourself. If he knows and wants to proceed you at least won't have to deal with feeling like you deceived him on such an important matter.
