WARNING: tmi below, dont read if you After my first freak out a few weeks ago, things have calmed down alot. I feel like i am at a place to safely analyze my past and my feelings. I want to clarify things about my past, mostly to myself (even though you guys probs dont care haha) The major reason why i had my freakout was because i watched a youtube video of a guy who i thought was straight come out . This took my by surprise and made me think, oh my god what if thats me? Then what fueled that thought was my porn use. But i have to clarify what that porn use was. I think from ages 14-18 it was male masturbation focused porn. I was very curious as a child and all my friends were pro gay. I was always called gay all my life by people and i never liked that. But i was also really messed up with low self esteem and body issues (overweight) and low self worth. I constantly compared myself to men everywhere. But i prided myself on being open minded and my friends loved that i was open to these things. I was rewarded for not being what other typical boys were like. When porn was introduced into my life, what i watched was solo jerking off. i dont think i was attracted to the men really i was more aroused about what they were doing. Because i knew what that felt like and i just went along with it. Being raised in a mostly christian household i was basically a prude. Didnt talk about sex or girls or anything because it was dirty and i wasnt supposed to do it.So i never clicked on the womans side of it. I once found straight porn on my old dads laptop but as soon as i realized what it was i shut it off and felt guilty. I dont remember if i was aroused. Eventually my porn use went up a notch over the years. Mostly because i read a story about young guys experimenting together. I was open minded and i guess i thought this was a normal thing that other guys did. So i read those stories and got off to that, and looked up videos of a guy giving another guy a handjob. I never cared about whether they looked good or not, i guess i was aroused because it was taboo. I remember watching one of a woman giving a handjob too a guy tied up and that aroused me just the same. So that makes me believe it was male pleasure that i was relating too. One time my gay friend asked me if i would ever do mutual masturbation. Since i had read stories about it i thought sure why not. Never did it, but sometimes when i read stories about it i pictured it was me and one of my guy friends who were also open minded. Since i thought that was my only sexual outlet i used it as fuel sometimes. I didnt really focus on pleasing them i was more interested in being pleasured. When i didnt have porn, i didnt think about guys i just focused on my pleasure. I never watched full on gay porn though, I didnt like it when the men kissed, i literally have no intrest in anal, i never wanted to suck a dick. If something like that in the video happened, i skipped by it. Not because i was afraid because it was "gay", it was because it turned me off. This was how i got rid of sexual energy. So when i saw a photo of a naked girl, i did not get a boner. In real life i sometimes got aroused from girls, like when an attractive female sat on my thigh once. But it was short lived. I was never repulsed by females. But i never let myself think of them sexually really, i guess because i thought it was wrong. I have had crushes on girls basically all my life. Never crushed on guys. I imagine myself with a girl, loving a girl, spending my life with one. When i had a romantic thought it was for a girl. But What i did do though was look at guys. I didnt "check them out". When i was young i looked at guys armpits to see if they had hair because i didn't until i was like 15. I looked at their stomachs to see if they were skinnier. Id feel nervous and Sometimes i got a boner, and they were not good looking. But what i mostly got was depressed. Im ugly, Ill never be good looking like them, i wish i was that skinny and so on. As i got older i still did look at them, and constantly compare myself. But after my freak out, ive stopped my porn use. And tried to let myself figure it out naturally. Then someone reblogged a straight porn gif on tumblr, a man pleasing a girl, and i began to get aroused. Which pleasantly surprised me. I tried masturbating with fantasy, and i forced myself to think of a man, or jerking off with a friend, anything. And nothing was working. I saw myself having sex with a girl. I tried telling myself i am gay im gay im gay over and over and over but it didnt bring me relief. The thoughts of jerking with a friend dont interest me anymore, i dont want to jerk off a guy really. All this time i thought it was the only way and by not thinking this way i would be being close minded i guess. So in the end i think im possibly a repressed straight, asexual, or a 1-2bisexual. Sex with men? No urge too sex with women? Sure i think it would be fun Oral or mutual with man? No urge too This all seems fine and dandy now, but i just had class the other day. A guy walked in, he was not attractive looking at all. He took off his jacket, i got nervous, and i saw he was a bit chubby like me and i got aroused. It went away in a minute. This confuses the hell out of me because i am not attracted to him yet i reacted this way? Why? But if a female takes her jacket off i dont respond that way? So im just as confused basically, sorry for this long boring story bless you if you read all of this. Im just asking what do i do now?
My best guess is that you are bi-curious . I sense you have a great deal of fear that you are bisexual. For sure you have HOCD. HOCD One day at a time. (*hug*)
I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar thing a while ago ( and currently still dealing). I think that long-term porn use, especially from young ages is ridiculously harmful ( speaking from experience and I'm a girl who's used porn for nearly half my life. Gave it up a year, lasted longer and only relapsed when I was in a unsatisfying relationship, back on the wagon again ). For me I turned to porn instead of looking for sexual fulfilment with another person. That then cause me to look at weird things too - and I always looked at same-sex too because no matter who was receiving, you can relate to the feeling better. (Also straight porn is so degrading and disrespectful, very really have i found a straight porn video i found very hot :L strangely though i find gay porn hot but again i just think it about the sensuality in them). Sooo as a result i usually came long before all the climaxes in those movies too ( I had no patience ), and I learned to develop instant gratification with porn, instant buzz - if something wasn't working for me "next vid" until it did. Real life relationships are not like that. I also would compare myself to other women all the time and wish I was them. Now I don't compare myself to them but I do still check them out. It's nothing to be ashamed off- hotness is worthy of appreciation regardless of what's in between it's legs :L I never used to check out as many boys though, I would get hit with a whack off "omg that guy is beautiful, and so perfect and his smile is amazing and ugh look at his back..woa", but I was also raped and had a bumpy history with relationships for a long time. So I always thought it was my shame in having a boyfriend that held me back from being with one ( and it really did in so many ways). I had my first proper girl crush on a girl I met in college. It scarce me - I didn't act on it, but I can't deny the feelings I had. It helped me really accept some things about myself Then I met my current love interest and he took me breath away - for one, he is like the first man i loved, but he is much sweeter and easy to be around Also we've only done light stuff together, in bed, ( which is also a first for me early on in relationships ) but he satisfied me :L All I want to really say to you is that I've been there, I've had the obsessive thoughts, I've struggled so hard with my sexuality and I've been miserable. The best thing to do is not judge yourself for having thoughts ( thoughts are silly they are not you and they are not real, they are just thoughts, we have 60,000 a day or more, can't be so hard on yourself - you can't even monitor that :L ). Let go and let be; when you stop worrying about getting aroused, you accept that this is the way things are now, you might actually notice a change in your self. It's just your focused on what you don't want, so let go and just be kinder to yourself and see what happens. No matter what, you are you and you can live the life you really want
SoulSearcher. Thanks for the story. This is really intense, what you're going through. I think to that starting porn too early, especially where the inner voice of your own sexuality is not yet in the full bloom can really mess-up things about how sexual emotions are laid out inside your mind. For sure I can't imagine fully myself walking in your shoes, however what I would do (I think) I would focus on understanding that having sexual desires and arousals that are gay or straight is nothing bad. People can be happy in life and feel fulfilled whether they are gay, straight or bisexual. When you look at it from this perspective it will maybe help you understand that it is maybe not such a big problem. I'd say love is love. But at the same time I feel that before all else You may have a problem with self-acceptance. Maybe struggling with self-image, being unhappy with weight and struggling with sexuality are the two parts of the same problem - that is - accepting and loving yourself as you are Feeling good, worth loving and pure. I don't want to act as an amateur psychoanalist, What I would do probably, I would find some professional help, preferably outside christian paradigm, If you know what I mean, just someone with good qualifications than can be your coach and will help you to unwind things a bit and find your true self and get rid of guilty conscience. How do you feel about this?
Thank you so much every one, i really appreciate all the words and comfort you guys have given me. Its very confusing and i feel lonely because i have no body else to talk to about this. Even my gay and bi friends, i dont want to talk to them about it because i dont want to bother them and i dont them to give me a biased answer. Besides my questions are not "i think im gay and im scared" mine are "what if im gay and dont really know it?". At times i feel like im too young and being thrown into a sexual world where people have sex with other people, whether it would be straight or gay or both is scary. I often feel im a child not knowing what i want, or what i Truly want, which annoys me because im 19 and most people have it figured it out by now when here i am with no experience and screwed myself up early. Ive always been a super late bloomer but i didnt realize how that concept has extended haha. Do you guys think i should attack problems of self acceptance and body issues and get myself to be comfortable with me before i delve into sexuality and choosing and identity. also, Should i cut any porn out completly like i have been doing? What should my next steps be? You are all wonderful people thank you
