Anxiety is over the roof!

I feel like my anxiety is going up since I've stopped the porn use and I haven't found a good substitute for it. Gonna try excercising... I'll see how that goes.

Let's say I see a daddy type guy. This is what starts my anxiety. Once that starts, sexual thoughts start going through my head, it doesn't feel good AT ALL. As far as I know, I'm not into guys because they're my friends, and seeing them more than that also drives my anxiety insane! I would know by now if I was attracted to guys (emotional sense). Being sexually attracted to them does not make me feel good. Talking with my friends in general returns things to normal, as it were.

I always feel like I'm not good enough to ask a girl out.

I would never have sex with a guy that's as old as my father alone, but speaking of my dad I'm gonna try and have a better relationship with him. I think I've driven him out of my life so much that I don't even know him. Also, it makes me feel good when other older men pat me on the back or praise me for doing something good. Makes me feel like I'm worth something. At this point, everything sexual goes off almost like a switch and i never see them as potential mate anymore. Then it just becomes a normal conversation with a guest.

And this all started when I broke up with my first girlfriend whom I still care about today. I just feel like the whole dating process is so tedious and such a workload, almost like homework.

But then this cycle continues so that's what gets me confused.

It's like the higher my anxiety is the more desperate I want to come out as gay because it's driving me insane, and it's like I'm lying to everyone. Then when I'm calm again, it's like I'm not gay, but maybe bi, then straight. When I think about dating guys I'm always forcing myself to.

There's a gay guy at work and I talk to him like any other guy.

I don't think I'm in denial, but what the heck is going on?

 

But one day is already stressful enough. Not sure how to deal with it.