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Somewhere before acceptance

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by HomeAlone, Feb 15, 2015.

  1. HomeAlone

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    Hello there!

    Yesterday, after I read some posts by Chip, which I can't locate right now, I started making progress with my acceptance as gay, although I thought the posts were too harsh at first :dry:.

    I've written some time before here, but I closed my account, so I rewrite some of my info:
    I am a 24-year old virgin male and from adulthood until now I thought I was bi-curious or maybe bi. That was because although I was interested in the male body (I explain later) I thought I was in love with a girl from high school and maybe I was. She was my best friend and had a lot of feelings for her, however now I understand that my feelings weren't sexual, only romantic. Sadly, she found another boyfriend and I didn't ever tell I loved her. Maybe it was for the better I suppose now... At college, I didn't really try to find a girlfriend until some months ago, after which I was hit by depression about not being able to find a girlfriend. I understand now that it was not only my shyness and anxiety with college, but also my feelings being mostly friendly and not sexual maybe. I didn't notice girls as much as boys on the street etc. These checks for guys were not down there though, only face and maybe body, so I wasn't so sure, as I read that it's not necessarily gay to look at other guys. However, my checks were more instinctive than normal I guess, like the ones straight guys are doing for girls.

    From about the age of 14 I have been looking at porn online. Around that age, I remember searching for good-looking males and (straight) pornstars with big penises, but around then I thought that was just curiosity as I also viewed straight porn. It should be noted that I never started from naked pictures of women or lesbian porn. On social media sites, I sometimes would compulsively check pictures of other guys if I found them attractive and that was rare for women I must admit. So in the last few years I switched to gay porn. Maybe I have had some little crushes on guys in reality, but never admitted them to myself.

    What is strange is that my will to have a girlfriend and a family afterwards blocked all of those signs to a separate part of my brain and I wouldn't really admit to myself that I am gay. I have spent a lot of years looking at porn and denying my sexual identity and I am still a virgin at this age, I am depressed.

    So from depression some months ago about not having a girlfriend, it turned to depression that I had watched so much porn I changed my sexuality, so I started not watching any and abstaining from masturbation. However, I don't really think now it will help, as there are signs of homosexuality even before gay porn. Should I just drop this silly (?) abstinence?

    Now I am just coming to terms with being gay, which scares me to death. I am afraid about the time it is going to take until acceptance. And if I am partially straight and though this I am denying myself a future I want? Of course I am sad about letting my parents down, however I hope they will be more understanding seeing the depression I have been through and being alone. They have given me hints about preferring having a boyfriend than being alone, but I laughed at it back then. I just don't know the right time to tell them, some months after I am comfortable with myself maybe?

    The most serious fear about being gay is that I will never have children of my own, end up alone when I am old etc. I am really introvert right now too, but I have always hoped for a girlfriend. I don't really like the gay culture and having to find boyfriends through mysterious sites, apps etc. I don't consider myself effeminate at all and that is also why it never crossed my mind that I must be truly gay. However, although stereotypes, I am more emotional than most guys, not into sports and aggressive things ets. I also happen to have 2D:4D digit ratio of the right hand more than one if that is any sign.

    Until now I couldn't really accept the notion of being intimate with guys. On the other hand, I don't want to spend any more years being alone. Should I try pursuing getting a boyfriend as soon as possible or should I wait to determine better my sexuality, try with a girl first etc? I know I am 24 and maybe too old now, but I don't think I will be ready soon. Should I tell my parents first? Although I may (if ever) find a girlfriend, the thoughts of me being more gay will kill me and I can't pretend to be something I am not, let alone live as a couple, marry and have kids, with me repressing my true sexual identity.

    Thank you for your kindness to read my thoughts and for your responses!
     
  2. HomeAlone

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    The original thread with the answers by Chip I mentioned:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/58495-can-you-straight-still-like-gay-porn.html

    Although I have heard of HOCD and I do have other OCDs indeed, I believe now that my case was denial and not true HOCD. Chip is right on that:
    When looking back, I remember that I chose my straight porn more according to the guy that was in it and not the girl, while I almost never concentrated on the girls tits, legs, only where the action was taking place. The cumshots and the moaning were always the best part, now I know! :lol: However, I did find women squirting so hot, mainly because of the dick that made them squirt I now suppose.

    Also from an anonymous:
    I was waiting for the "right" girl to lose my virginity, who would never come along, as I would never notice her as other guys do...

    Spot on!
     
  3. EIT

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    WOW, If I was ever unsure before I read your post HomeAlone, I cant say I am anymore... still dealing with denial but I will get there. makes me think of one or two instances where people would say, hey did you see that girl!? to which I would answer "what? oh ya, she was nice"
     
  4. Jax12

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    Yeah I'm certain that I'm not dealing with denial anymore, since I've opened up to the possibility of dating a guy. Heck, I still don't even know what orientation I am!

    My anxiety levels are just all over the place which makes it confusing to make any conclusion at this point.
     
  5. TheStormInside

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    I could've written this paragraph above, if you swap the genders around. I've also got a few years on you. I've been trying not to let my age in coming out get me down. I'm realizing it's not *so* uncommon. You are also still pretty young, so I wouldn't worry about that aspect so much.

    As far as looking for a boyfriend *right now,* I say, take things at your own pace. Do you *want* a boyfriend right now? Do you *want* to date girls? I've also had these thoughts of-maybe I should give guys another chance, I have very little experience there. But if I think about it, I don't really actually want to date guys. I just want to be *sure* that I don't want to be with them before fully allowing myself to recognize myself as gay.

    You may not think it, but you still have plenty of time to figure things out. I think right now may be more about getting comfortable in your own skin. Maybe meeting other gay people could help you there, too. I can't speak to the gay community as I am not really out and about in it yet, myself, but I see a lot of gay men here on EC saying they are not into the gay "scene," either, so that's evidence that there are plenty of guys out there who have the same attitude as you. It's just a matter of finding them where you are.

    As for your fear of growing old alone and not having kids- being gay doesn't mean you will be alone! Plenty of gay people have significant others, marry, adopt, or go the route of surrogacy. For me, before I started understanding my sexuality I was quite depressed at times because I thought I'd never be able to find a guy who would be able to live with me and all of my "quirks," including the may reservations I have about being physical with men or even sharing space and time with them. Realizing that I have those desires for women, though, while scary, is sort of opening up a new world for me. I wonder if you can relate at all?
     
  6. HomeAlone

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    I realize now that although my conscious self wanted a girlfriend, my unconscious one didn't, so that's why I was never really interested in having a relationship. However, now that I am getting more comfortable with being gay, I feel just like you, that a new world is opening up for me, not only for relationships, but also for friendships I never thought I would be able to make. I hope that this realization will ultimately make me a happier person.
     
  7. Quem

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    HomeAlone, it was a very interesting read!! I think this can be applied to many people who are struggling!! :icon_bigg

    I'm glad you found out. Take care! I wish you all the best. (*hug*)
     
  8. HomeAlone

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    Just some little news...
    I did it, I am past virginity! :slight_smile: Not that it means something now to be honest.
    I have been talking to a very nice somewhat older guy on the internet and we decided to meet. He was very kind. One day we met at his house and at the end of the day I told him to do some light sexual things. It was great. We met again some days later at my house and we did the whole thing. It also went great. However, I understand now that I am more of a kiss-hug-etc kind of guy although I would have never have guessed before! Some months ago I would argue that the only thing that interests me in men is their body and I would never imagine a romantic relationship. How far that is from reality!
    I am happy to have finally found myself. Now the next thing is to tell my parents. I don't think I will mention the whole sex thing for now though, just the fact that I am gay.
    Be true to yourself out there!