Orientation Questioning

Okay. So here it goes.

I will give a little backgroud. I was raised in a middle class Christian family. I went to a private Christian school kindergarten to graduation except for 3rd grade where we discovered the public school system in my hometown is seriously lacking. I learned from classmates how to hide anything that wasn't mainstream normal and behave like a proper preppy Christian teenager. (Nothing wrong with that if that's who you are..... but I'm not) Moved away to college where I joined the theatre and studio art departments, and began to question who I was as an individual, had my first crush on a girl, passed it off to myself as friendship, and ended up moving home because academically I was unable to study what I wanted. So back to being in the box after being much more carefree outside of said box. So I guess that means I was in a box in the closet? (Philosophically I believe that every relationship platonic or otherwise requires attraction on some level and feel that even straight friendships have a level of physical attraction however unnoticed because people are visual creatures which is how I passed attraction off as friendship)

I am 33 an married for 2 years to great guy, pretty sure I have been bi since forever but I have always passed of attraction for women as part of friendship, I'm an artist and women are pleasing to the eye, insert whatever excuse is or was convenient. I have always stated that I find the female form more attractive than the male one (for the most part though nice... n\m off topic sort of)

Okay so I met my husband 10 years ago we got married 2 years ago. And I have always always said I was straight no doubts no concerns would have continues as such until I got into a philosophical discussion about friendship love, romantic love, the various ways people identify their sexual orientation and gender with a new friend. So I started looking back at my life and thinking about the various people I've crushed over the years and identifying that a decent percentage were female.... so began questioning and mentally I don't believe that gender is necessary for love to flourish. However, I've never been around anyone whose gender wasn't the one they were born with for longer than an introduction and that was only a couple of people 15 years ago.... so I don't know if I would be attracted or not...

So, because open communication is part of my relationship from the first week we were together that was a must for both of us, I panicked about it ran downstairs open the sliding glass doors to the spot on the porch my husband just about camps in with a book, and went I'm bi, (had not planned it kind of did it in a fit of panic) he was okay with it, had already kind of figured that and figured I would talk to him about it when I was ready (this felt rather anticlimactic to me).... he is straight well mostly straight (he thinks if you get hard watching pornography with another man's penis in it you aren't entirely straight - don't even have to be bi for it but you aren't entirely straight) so I went back upstairs and ignored any self discovery about it for several months til it started getting to be a weight on my mind and in my heart that wasn't being true to myself. So I was exploring online for someone to talk to when I found there really aren't that many places to talk that aren't social media (facebook is like standing in an auditorium filled with everyone you have ever met with a microphone and blurting out everything you are thinking - sometimes you don't want your entire life broadcast).... and was beginning to stress, which something I am really good at, when I found EC. Part of me feels like I should tell my friends because it's a part of who I am but I'm afraid of changing the dynamic of our relationships, the other part is I am happily married to a guy so my sexual orientation isn't something is really necessary to add to the mix.

I feel really lucky both with the man I married - because that could have turned out totally different - and having found EC because I am horrible about talking about who I am with my friends and needed someone who could relate. I honestly don't wan't to be in the closet but I don't know if my orientation would be bi or pansexual, I don't like labels but they make it easy for other people to understand, and I just don't know how to tell someone I've been friends with my entire adult life that I'm not straight... do I just blurt it out? The majority of my family passed away before I was 27 so I don't really have family to come out to or talk to about it.

I am so sorry for the wall of text...... I got startedwritting and couldn't stop...:tears: