Maybe Bisexual, but I got some questions...

Dude reading your response on my thread, I figured i would come on here and respond as well haha. The thing that you mentioned above i cant help you with because as of right now i dont really have the urge to have sex with a man ever. Even before my first "freakout", it wasnt something that came on to me naturally. Id have to force myself to think about that in order to think about it. But then again the same goes for woman, until i stopped using porn recently. Then all of a sudden i was thrusting more and doing the motions more naturally. But its still hard for me to think about it, because just as you said, i never really thought of women for sexual pleasure. Maybe it was because of how we were raised. I was raised in a christian house and sex and girls wasnt really brought up. But i was taught (not necessarily by my parents directly) that sex was dirty and you shouldnt look at women, turn your head when they change, dont say innapropriate things, etc etc. (my mom used to make my dad change the channel when a tv show was casually talking about hot women or having sex WAYY over the age where i think it would be damaging). So i was always the nice respectful guy to women, and i guess that made me push anything about women sexually (that wasnt in the confines of art since im an artist) away and out of my head as a kid. I still remembered looking at friends boobs during swimming and other body parts, but i dont remember if i got aroused,who knows. But yeah i guess my only outlet was things that had to do with myself. Such as boners, jerking off, male bodies (that were like mine though, chubby younger etc).. Idk.

Anyway , for you maybe that attraction towards older men could stem from a father son issue? Or maybe just you find them powerful and strong and want to emulate them, and because of the porn use you unconsiously made the connection that this=boner=release from sexual pressure? Because you said yourself you dont want to find older men attractive. If you were going to find men attractive youd rather it be guys your own age. But idk.

Meanwhile maybe you could possible MAYBE be Bi?? BUT who knows when so many other issues (commitment, rejection, self image, depression etc) you are having at the same time.

Theres alot more baggage behind your attraction to men than women.
People who are gay, i assume their baggage is "this is what i want but i cant let myself want it. "
Not your baggage as in," why do i want this, i guess it would be quicker and easier, wow i wish i had that body, why am i hard??"(<i experience that too)
Gay men ive gathered by reading through EC, dont want to have sex with men because its easier, they do it because they enjoy it. Not enjoy it because its the only thing there. Even gay men who are in denial would probably think "wow this is something that i really want i think this is who i am it is appealing but i cant because i cant be gay,im going to tell myself i dont want it" (idk i cant speak for them but you know what i mean).
Maybe our best bet is to fix our other problems first, Stop ALL porn no matter what, cut down on masturbating, learn stress/anxiety techniques, and wait it out, while working on more important issues. Personally i wouldnt get into a relationship right now with all this going on. (But who knows if i fall in love with a girl randomly it would be hard to handle).

 

Hi Jax, I did go through this phase like this in HS and College. I knew I was bi as early as HS and only dated girls. I did have my first gay experience my JR. year with a friends older brother (weird I know but we were drunk) he was in college at the time. I did have a thing for older guys growing up, I found them more attractive than the guys closer to my age, while I liked the girls who were my age. Could never really figure that one out. So for me it just seemed as thought I liked guys that were 3-5yrs older.
In HS it was all girls except the mention event above. In college I fooled around w/ guys a little more but nothing more than a random hook up or just short (3-4) sex fling and then we would be on our merry way.
So in short-
1). I do consider myself fluid w/ my sexual attraction and it seems to go through phases. I'm having more male encounters recently (60/40) but I'm sure that will change.
2). I had crushes on older guys too so I wouldn't say that's abnormal. How old are you(if you don't mind me asking) and what age range do you consider theses older guys to be?

 

Jax, believe me I can feel you. What I am going to say might be harsh and you will react badly at first, maybe you may need a second read after some time.

I was very troubled myself for some months about it. I read online that porn must have messed up with my mind, so I took it as a way out of misery. The truth is, I always new, but couldn't make myself believe it, because it was too painful and stressful. Now the right time had come and I was ready to take the process. It's so late though (24 years old atm) and I feel you should take your way out of misery sooner than me.

First of all, not all gays believe they are gay. Some don't even realize it ever in their life, especially at older times where there was no internet. I didn't want to believe it until some days ago when all of a sudden everything came to place. I labeled myself 'bi' when I was younger, because I thought I was also straight, as I loved my best girl friend. That was true, but it was not sexual and true romantic love, just very good friend love. Until now, I really wanted to find a good girl, marry her and have kids. I was depressed for 4 months about not having a girlfriend ever, before I realized it was denial all along and the reason I didn't have a girlfriend was that by body wasn't really interested. I am programmed this way, I did not choose it. It's about biology, not so much about the way you are raised I believe. Nor I am comfortable yet about being gay, gay romance and gay sex.

Like you, I never looked at girls tits, asses etc, because I thought it was rude and other aspects like the personality interested me more. I am still a virgin at 24 as I waited for the "right girl" that would make my heart move. She never came and I understand now why. However, I think now that it's inside the straight male instinct to look at girl's bodies, they do not try.

At the street, I noticed that I instinctively looked more at guys than girls. I thought until now that it was just jealousy. Wrong. It's the feeling that I can locate where around me the guy is without me looking at him, I know he is there. I really want to look at him a second time. It's not just stress. I have never had it with girls.

To help you, I post the link of my "adventure" here
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/169200-somewhere-before-acceptance.html

Please don't take for sure that you are gay, I don't say that. I just say that I needed a punch in the face in order to accept it and now I am becoming happier every day than the misery I was in before, when I though I will fix myself with abstinence. Be kind to yourself, don't stress things out, but also I want to give you food for thought to process with your mind gradually.

I feel that you are really stressed at the moment, I felt the same way before it hit me. Then of course there is a lot of grief but things start making sense.
I want to give you a big hug!

 

I definitely found my preference to be fluid. If you met a woman and had great attraction and chemistry, you'll feel more that way. If you had a hot 3 month fling with a cute guy who is driving you crazy in bed, you'd feel more that way I assume.

About the fantasy - why is it unrealistic, and why do you need to get over it? Age is only a limitation it YOU (or the age of consent) make it one. Plenty of women go for older guys and find that works well for them. You don't have to marry the first older guy you meet, just date and see how it goes.

I think it's important to be flexible and keep an open minded. Having hangups over harmless sexual thoughts and preferences never seems to work out well. If no harm is done, I find its best to just go with the flow. Accept your feelings and don't stress.

 

You sound very similar to me. I have obsessed (which is what you're doing, from reading all your posts) about my sexuality for around 5 years now.

I too have a massive fear of rejection and was always very shy. I would never state my opinion about anything and suffered from social phobia. I was simply not able to even speak to a girl, unless I was drunk. I felt inferior to other guys, and that whatever I had to say was stupid or uninteresting.

At some point in my teens after watching porn for a while, I found myself watching transsexual or gay porn and getting off to it. Don't think I ever thought much of it, as I never felt attracted to guys in real life.

But like you said in your other post, feelings of attraction are also very confusing to me. I tend to get anxious if I see a strange guy that I may find attractive. I completely obsess about it a while and build up a worst scenario which is me wanting to have sex with him. But the other day I though how insane that is, the fact that I fear having positive feelings towards someone of the same sex.

I have had girlfriends in the past and sex with girls is sometimes amazing, and sometimes not so good depending on my mood. Same goes for my same-sex fantasies, sometimes they are great and sometimes they sicken me. I have however gotten to the point where I accept myself for who I am, and am willing to explore my sexuality should I be interested in acting these fantasies out. At the moment I am trying to go back to enjoying the fantasies without obsessing what they mean, which is all the advice you are ever gonna get. Believe me, there is no use trying to get an answer from someone on a forum or even a therapist. You have to figure it out yourself.

I think I have always had a fear that bisexuality does not exist, especially not in men, and that most people use it a stage to come out. But from what I can gather from my own experience, the label bisexual would probably suit me well, despite not having any positive or meaningful realtionships or feelings towards men. There is however a sexual attraction to the fantasy, which could mean anything really. Could mean I enjoy the fantasy but choose to live with a girlfriend, or it could mean that I figure out I want a boyfriend. This is where the obsessing comes in, trying to find the ultimate answer. I don't think people like us will ever really know, we just have to accept the uncertainty which is much easier said than done.

My therapist thinks that I could have OCD (well, Ive been diagnosed by two therapist with OCD - but the nature of the disease is to keep doubting everything). I think before I thought that maybe these gay thoughts are just a form of OCD, but now I feel more like allowing them to be a part of me, but not worrying about what it could MEAN.

For example, my weekend has consisted of going on a date with a girl, having sex with her, spending the next day smoking weed and mastrubating numerous times to gay fantasies (my fetish or whatver you want to call it is a abit similar to yours - in short it is about being submissive to another guy or rather a penis), the next day getting aroused to a transsexual, not able to enjoy watching gay porn and instead watching straight porn.

So yeah, not getting very far I always feared (again, stupid thing to be fearful of) that my erections/orgasms was much stronger when I fantasized about gay sex, and while that may be true sometimes, sometimes it's not. It's just different from sex/fantasy about a girl. I may need both things in my life, or maybe I won't. I might be gay, but I just cant be bothered to feel dreadful and anxious about that anymore. If that's the case, there is nothing I can do.

Anyway, good luck and try not to obsess too much. Just go with the flow, you may be positively surprised.

 

A lot of the posts in this thread sound familiar.

I, too, have struggled and really obsessed over my sexuality for at least 10 years now.

I, too, have been trying to find 'the ultimate answer' (am I gay, am I bi, am I heteroromantic but rather homosexual, am I 'straight with a twist'). Should I be with a girl and limit my same-sex fantasies to an occasional masturbation thought, or should I actually really start thinking about having a relationship with a guy? Sex would be good, but it would feel so 'dull', two men... I couldn't imagine waking up to a guy each day. I might have feelings for a man, but to actually build a life with one? I would so miss all my old romantic feelings for girls, my old ideals...

I, too, felt an intense fear that my 'gay orgasms' were more intense than my 'straight orgasms', which they often are, but then sometimes it's completely the other way around.

I, too, recognize all my attempts at trying to rationalize my same-sex attractions. Maybe I'm just bored with all the 'build-up' to sex with a woman? Maybe I don't bond enough with other males and that makes me 'eroticize' my relationship with the men in my life? (believe me, I've read all the books) Maybe I turned gay when I, at 16, had a brief period where I strongly disliked my father after finding out he had had an affair?

I don't believe in any of that anymore. You are who you are. Stop trying to change yourself and stop trying to castize yourself with all these self-denying, self-wronging, self-annihilating thoughts.

I, too, recognize my 'different' view on women compared to my male friends in high school. I wasn't a sex-crazed animal that viewed women as lust objects, I had more romantic/platonic views of them. And I exclusively masturbated to women until the age of 18.

But I, too, am confused to even consider being gay, knowing that I've had male buddies and mates who were really nothing other than my try pals and friends, and to whom I've never felt even the slightest bit of attraction, even though objectively they're all good lookingmen. Isn't that what gay guys never feel? Although I do feel like I'm more of 'the loner' in my male group of friends, a characteristic often shared by gay men.

You see that, like you guys, I am also a very rational person. I tried to analyze my same-sex attractions to death, trying to give so many explanations. My pursuit of 'the ultimate answer' almost drove me crazy. I've been so low - really actually having suicidal thoughts - because I was so afraid to be gay and just so afraid that, if I wouldn't find a definite answer (be with a man or a woman?) I would be doomed to loneliness (and you know what, I might be, but so be it).

You know what the funny part is of all this? 99 % of all straight people wouldn't even care. On the contrary, they'd feel bad and sad for us having to fight ourselves for so long. And they'd hope we'd just find happiness! All the straight guys we are afraid will laugh at us behind our backs, will do so in a way (inevitably), but they will also hope the best for us and hope for us to accept ourselves and finally allow yourself the self-love you deserve. How sad that people cannot love themselves because some of their feelings contradict what society tells us we should feel?

For all the rationalizing I've done, there is one thing I do know:
whether I am gay, or bi, 70/30 bi or 30/70 bi, or whatever sexuality I have, I realized very recently that the only way to become happy is to really embrace it and be happy with who you are.

Acceptance will make you relax. It will make you stronger, wiser and more confident. Maybe it will even be good for your opposite-sex relationships. Or maybe it will finally make you realize that it's okay to realize that your opposite-sex attractions are less strong. And really, what does it matter? I cannot speak for you guys, but I live in a country where same-sex marriage and child adoption is a possibility. And really there would be not much more of a hindrance to leading a happy family life except for your own head. Right now, my biggest hindrance to all that is that I know deep down that I still love and desire women. I need to find out up to what point, but I will. And all will be good.

In a way, we really are maybe the most privileged sexuality. We get to enjoy the 2 sexes, and we will have the broadest view and experience in love. Something so few people will ever get to experience. Really we just happen to swing somewhere a little bit more in the middle on Kinsey's scale. And so what guys? We live only one live, it's way too precious to be spending it trying to fight our own likes and feelings. Imagine feeling same-sex attraction would be socially accepted. Then we wouldn't even break a sweat over all this and we'd just happily explore sex and love with men and women. A lot of people need to get very old before they learn that you have to take life as it comes. We, as bisexuals, will have learnt that lesson much much sooner. I tend to believe that it will benefit our personalities and make us that much stronger.

And before sounding all too much like a hippie :icon_wink, I do realize there are some pretty obvious downsides to being bi. The certainty you want to have for yourself and your partner in order to build up a relationship and family. The fear for society's reaction once you come out. But there is only 1 way guys... 100 % acceptance! We're off so much better than straight people making it their nr. 1 priority to fit in everywhere. We define our fits.

Good luck to all of you.

 

ugh, so much I can identify with here. I really feel for you guys. Social anxiety, depression, insecurity. Loneliness was my life for a long time. Even felt alone while married. Fix those parts of you inside that you are troubled by. Fix them now, ASAP. You don't want to spend 37 years at the mercy of the your worst parts of your head. Trust me on that one.

My questioning has always been more on the I'm curious if I can do it, cause I find some guys really hot. I am not in doubt about my attractions, but I've always been bottled up in expressing them.

I'm still confused by those that continue to question their sexuality in such detail. What does it matter if you are bisexual with a split of 40/60, or bisexual 10/90...

You go out, you find people you like, you get to know them, you decide if you want to be intimate with them, then you be intimate with them. Fulfill your need to connect with someone, and let the relationship/sex, or whatever develop naturally.

I was taught to always be respectful to everyone. You treat a man like a gentleman, and a gal like a lady, especially if you want a relationship. You don't have to be promiscuous to be gay, bi, or straight. You can take your time, you can be selective. You can say no.

It took me two years of gradually talking to random people, in real life, to start getting over some of my social anxiety. Say hello to everyone with a smile, talk about what ever is going around, weather, sports, whatever. Just small conversations about nothing. Helped me be more comfortable with meeting new people and talking with them.