My ongoing struggle [M/26/Questioning]

Hi, and welcome to EC.

What you're experiencing is completely normal. As we start to process and consider that we aren't completely straight, there's a real struggle in our conscious and unconscious mind because, let's face it, no one wants to volunteer for being an "outsider" to the largest group we can belong to (straight people), nor does anyone want to deal with the discrimination, hatred, and other things that LGBT people have to deal with.

So wanting to "fit in" -- to have the wife, 2.3 kids, and house with the white picket fence -- is completely normal, and what most everyone aspires to.

Whenever anyone processes any sort of loss, in this case, loss of your self-perception as straight, there are stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

You may not want to hear the next part. I can't absolutely tell you it's the case, only that it is for the vast majority of people that have been where you are:

What you are describing is textbook-classic "bargaining." Bargaining for men in the process of accepting themselves often looks like "Well, I acknowledge that I'm attracted to guys, but I really love and appreciate women, so I can have this appreciation for guys but still end up married to a woman." That is, for most people, the part of you that is desperately struggling with accepting your attraction to men.

Years ago, many people in the bargaining stage identified as bisexual, which wasn't really the case for them... but sort of provided a safe "bridge" to explore their attraction to guys while still clinging to the idea they could end up in a "normal" relationship. More recently, somebody concocted the idea (which has caught on in some circles, even though it is completely unsupported by the research or psych literature,) that there's a separation between romantic and sexual orientation and you can be "heteroromantic" and "homosexual". But in nearly all cases, this is simply a temporary "crutch" to accepting oneself as gay, so you might as well save yourself the trouble if somebody suggests that idea.

Part of the discomfort in taking a guy to dinner or cuddling with him is the strangeness (you didn't grow up seeing people do that) and part of it is your conscious mind desperately rejecting the idea that you could be gay. And this, too, is really, really common for people in the bargaining stage. Usually what happens is that once you push past it, you'll start to realize, once you do it, that it feels natural, and actually feels much more natural than cuddling with a woman or taking her to dinner.

I want to be clear here that bisexuality absolutely exists, and there are a fair number of people who are genuinely bisexual, but I don't hear that from what you're describing; I hear someone who is struggling to accept himself. Of course... that's only my opinion, and it's your job to take what I've said (along with any other thoughts you get) and consider how any of them relate to your own experience.

Talking about what you're feeling here is one of the best possible ways to work through what's going on for you. So you're in the right place, and I'd encourage you to keep thinking about and talking about what's going on for you.

 

I wouldn't expect you to just go "Oh! OK!" after 6 years Often, what makes sense cognitively and logically has nothing to do with what we feel emotionally.

One suggestion that Lexington (one of our advisors) often makes in these sorts of cases is to simply decide, tomorrow or the next day (or next week) that you're going to take a day and just act as though you've completely accepted that you're gay. Give yourself permission to think about, and act as if, you're gay. Look at guys. Think about being with guys like it's a normal thing. Masturbate to thoughts of guys.

I'd say do the same with the bisexual identity, but I don't think, in your case, that would be helpful. But you can try the same thing assuming you're straight.

Often the above exercise helps to bring things into clearer focus.

Another suggestion: If you are comfortable doing so, talk about what makes it uncomfortable to accept the idea that you might be gay and not bi. What are the fears? Who would be upset/let down/disappointed? Who would it be hard to talk to/tell? What sort of responses do you think you'd get from family/friends/coworkers/etc.?

Often doing these exercises helps us to crystallize what's standing in our way of accepting and loving ourselves as we are.