Another confused story

Hi all,

I'm a 29 year-old guy with a medical degree and a love of jazz (that's why I call myself Chet - in reference to the singer Chet Baker). First I'll give a little bit of 'sexuality history' about myself, later I will provide some info on why I'm here.

Sexual and relationship history

Since I was 18, I started questioning my sexuality. Before that, I'd exclusively had sexual and romantic fantasies towards women, apart from the occasional admiration for muscular male bodies when I was a little boy, which at the time, I dismissed as admiration instead of attraction.

From the age of 18, I very gradually started having more and more fantasies about men. First, it only involved sharing a kiss with a handsome actor - Elijah Wood for your information - but at the age of 20/21 I had more sexual urges, and I wanted to start exploring.

I started to meet guys in online chat rooms and started to go out in gay clubs and bars (on my own, terrified somebody would recognize me, but the thrill of being out and adventurous won from my fears of being recognized and 'outed'). I had my first softly erotic experiences with guys and liked it. But I couldn't picture myself having a relationship with one.

Meanwhile, I continued to have mostly short (mostly a few months) relationships with women. When I was 23, I met a girl with whom I was probably the most 'in love' I've been in my life. We were together for 1,5 years and she knew from the start about my sexual encounters with men. One of the biggest reasons for our split-up was the fact my sexual urges for men kept coming back, even though I never acted on them. I was deeply and madly in love with her, and sex was good, although I couldn't fully enjoy it - still had to get a circumcision done for a small foreskin, which was done right after our break-up. Sometimes, however, I was 'slow' while having sex, compared to my fantasies about men.

After our break-up, I was so devastated (felt very down about being dumped over my sexuality, felt like I couldn't match up to a straight guy, which was really what she was looking for), that I felt too vulnerable to be in a relationship. I resorted again to short sometimes even anonymous sexual encounters with women and men, although more with men.

After another year, when I was 26, I met this absolutely gorgeous - she truely looked like a model - girl I started a relationship with. Again it lasted 1,5 years. I was so scared of being dumped again, that I never dared to tell her I was bi. I always had the intention to tell her, but every time I wanted to, some other destabilizing stressor (exams, work, relationship issues) came in the way so I never went through with it. Something I regret to this day.

Again, sexually I was often slow, although I always had an orgasm and the sex was enjoyable. I do remember feeling stressed over having to 'perform' though. But maybe part of that was due to me never being truely open to her about who I really was? Or maybe I was really more gay? I still don't really know. I loved her very much as well, but I never opened up as much to her as to the first girl, so I never had that same deep connection, and after we broke up I recovered well within months. I feel some guilt over that relationship still. She deserved someone being 100 % honest with her and I wasn't.

A few months after the break-up (I had just turned 28), I met a handsome gay guy my age. We had a short relationship of 4 months. He understandably broke up with me because I wasn't out, and maybe also because I identified as bisexual, although he never admitted that. The sex was amazing, we clicked so well. Emotionally we had a connection too, I felt crushed in the weeks after the break-up, almost like after my first relationship, and I must say the pain lingered for a few months after that. But strangely, I don't miss him at all anymore now and I don't feel any of the sentiment I feel compared to when I think of my old female crushes and romances.

Since him, I've, again, reverted to short sexual flings every once in a while, usually with 1 or 2 fixed partners, leaving me emotionally unsatisfied. I mainly abstain from any serious relationship because I am afraid to hurt another person and afraid to get hurt myself. I've had enough of hurt in love land and I'd rather be on my own for a while. There's a girl who's definitely interested in me, but I'm just not sure if my attraction on love for her will be strong enough and I fear that after a few months of honeymoon phase things will soon head south again.

Social context

I've grown up in more of a conservative household - my father is an MD and most of my friends have university degrees, of which most are MD's as well. Still, there is an open and creative group of friends I have as well, who are openminded (in fact, 1 gay guy as well who is very much accepted within the same groups of doctors, etc.). Even though my family is rather conservative 'on paper', they are quite openminded as well and I believe they would accept it if one of their sons were to be gay.

Only the gay guy knew about my sexual struggles up to 1 year ago. Since then, I've been gradually telling a few more of my friends (5 in total), and I feel the news is spreading, which I don't mind that much anymore (although I used to be really stressed out about that).

My problem and the reason I come here

After 10+ years of struggling with my sexuality, after never really having been in a long-term, stable, satisfying relationship, I am tired of it. I would like to raise a family one day with a loving partner and I am ready to come to terms with whatever sexuality it is I have and live an open and honest life.

The problem is: what am I?
I feel sexual attraction towards both sexes. Although at this point, if you would ask me who I'd like to f*ck if I were on a beach with all half-naked bodies around me, I'd probably prefer the males over the females. That used to be different, but not anymore. (maybe, I think now, I just wasn't aware of my 'homosexual part' when I was a teenager)

Romantically, it gets more complicated. At this point I still feel butterflies fantasizing about eg going to the cinema with a girl. Having a phone call with a girl you like. Getting a message from a girl you like. The warm feeling in your stomach. The blushes on your cheeks. The tingling excitement and nervousness at the same time. Yup, it's still there. So there's still definitely a lot going on there still.

With guys, I'm not so sure. I did definitely have an emotional click with my ex-boyfriend. But with the best will of the world I can't get back to that. It's hard to even recall what it felt like. I also just feel rather uncaring thinking about waking up to a guy every morning. It seems just... boring? Empty? Or maybe my relationship with my ex just didn't last long enough to really experience what gay love means? Or maybe I am subconsciously so conditioned to only think of a heterosexual relationship/marriage as an option that I'm not open enough to what a gay relationship could mean for me?

At this point I genuinely don't care if I am gay, or bisexual, or heteroromantic and homosexual. I just want to know and figure out, and be confident who I am, so I can start dating again and settle down, whether that'd be with a man or a woman. It would help though, if I would really be able to pinpoint 'what' I am. Because I want to provide some certainty for my partner.

I do think it'd be easier for me to come out as gay rather than bisexual. So if there's any chance I could be gay, I'd prefer that. Because bisexuality seems to get me stuck everywhere. It feels like I won't find a woman, because probably after a lot of struggling and trying to accept me for who I am she will probably leave me anyway before we have kids to pursue a guy that provides 100 % security and stability. And a guy will probably leave me as well, thinking I will leave him for a woman, who could offer me children, a socially more easy life, etc.

Anyway, any thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

Thanks for the read,

Chet

 

Any thoughts? Sorry for the extremely lengthy post. You might also skip the first 2 parts and only read the last part if you like.

 

Hi guys, thanks so much for your replies.
@Jax12: it's probably true, I am bisexual. I've experienced the same as you: cameradery with guys and sexual and romantic attractions to girls for my entire life, although they have been less in recent years and that has freaked me out. But it does come back when I relax a little bit and don't put too much weight on my sexuality.
@AlmostBlue: thanks a lot, you captured the essence perfectly. I already know myself quite well but I need to find a way to stop being so terrified of my sexuality. I've been looking for certainty because my bisexuality has caused previous partners to leave me. That left an emotional wound, which still hasn't completely healed. But it's getting better, definitely. I've been doing a lot of analysis and soul-searching, and I think what my previous partners missed was certainty. But I realize I can only do my best and can never predict 200 % if I'll ever be able to stay with 1 person. Heterosexuals have to same problem after all. I guess bisexuality WILL create at least some psychological burden for my future partner and there's no way around it, because I cannot deny who I am to them. I am deep down just very afraid to end up alone, and sometimes it's hard to be confident that I will find someone who will accept me for who I am.

Another problem for myself is I've been so hesitant in communicating this to my rather conservative social circles. As I am afraid to lose my male friendships, my respectability and 'market value' to women as a possible mate, and not be taken seriously anymore by a lot of people (also professionally as an MD).

Maybe what I need is to find a community/small group of people where I feel I can totally be myself and build from there.

Thanks again for your reply. It's good to talk to people who've been through the same thing. Maybe this place can be a small part of the invisible community I'm looking for ;-)