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Confused again?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lgbtqenjolras, Feb 18, 2015.

  1. lgbtqenjolras

    Regular Member

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    Okay, so I'm confused. Again. I thought I had my sexuality figured out, but now I just don't know. I'm going to start at the beginning, so this might be a little long, sorry.

    I had my first crush in kindergarten, on this boy I was friends with. We liked each other, it was cute, ect. I stopped liking him in first grade, though. We were "just friends" (v complicated for kindergarten). In first grade, I met a girl. I remember being at my house, and playing with my animal figurines. I said to my mom, "Mummy, I don't know who the tiger should marry. She's a girl, and all the boy animals are married." She smiled, and told me that the tiger could marry a girl. I was confused, and told her how girls can't marry girls. She told me that they could, and my face light up. "So I could marry (name of girl I met at school)?" She nodded. When I got to school the next day, I told the girl that I was going to marry her, and she laughed and said okay.

    Fast forward to third grade. I was going to a new school, and I didn't know anybody. I remember wanting this girl to sit next to me because I saw her and I thought she was the prettiest person I had ever met. I never thought anything of thoughts like this, but now I'm wondering if they were early signs of liking girls. Throughout elementary school, I didn't think anything of liking girls, because I liked boys. Since I liked boys, I liked girls as friends.

    I wasn't prepared for middle school. 6th grade was perfectly normal, just like elementary, then 7th grade hit. I remember seeing girls that were always my friends, and suddenly they were so much more attractive. I still liked boys, but the same feelings of having a crush were suddenly applying to girls. I became depressed, and I thought something was wrong with me. Not to mention that everybody had gotten 10x meaner over the summer, and classes were a lot harder.

    Sometime in late winter, I joined tumblr, and my world was turned upside down. I discovered new shows, music, and books, and was exposed to celebrity crushes. Then, I discovered the words "bisexual", and "pansexual". I immediately realized I was pansexual, and was happy to finally have a term for how I felt. But as soon as I had a label, I was terrified. There was only one LGBTQ person in my school, a gay boy. I was trying so hard to fit in, and this was just another thing that would hold me back. I tried my best to hide it. I was hiding so many other things-my likes, my interests, my music taste, my fashion taste, my depression, my anxiety-I thought I could just smother this, too. That was a horrible idea. I became more and more depressed, making 7th grade the worst year of my life. I was hiding my emotions, and putting on a fake smile. I was so desperate to be popular that I was killing myself. I was grateful when summer rolled around, and I finally escaped.

    That summer, I went to a theatre camp for a week. I was nervous at first, but by the end of the first day I had already made friends. It was such a different society than I was used to! Everybody was shamelessly themselves, and for once I wasn't the only gay kid. On the second day, a bunch of girls were hanging out in one of the dorm rooms. We decided to have an honesty session, and girl said sexuality. I immediately thought "oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit fucknuggets no." I really liked these people and I didn't want to lie, but I also didn't want to say that I was gay. We went in a circle, and I was last. Everybody said straight, and I was getting scared. Then the girl sitting next to me- a pretty girl who likes punk rock and BBC shows, said she was pan-curious. I felt so relieved, and quietly muttered that I was pan. She gave me a fist bump, and life went on. That was one of the best moments of my life.

    Earlier this year I came out to my BFF, who was surprised, but she's chill with it. After learning a little more about different sexualities, I kinda officially went with Panromantic Homosexual. But now I don't know. I liked this boy, I think.....? And he asked me out. I said yes, and now we're dating. He's great-we like the same music and tv shows and movies and stuff, but I'm a little confused. I know he's attractive, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually romantically or sexualy attracted to boys. When I see girls, I want to LOVE them. I want to spend hours talking and listening (mostly listening) to them. I want to go on adventures with them. I want to kiss them, touch them, and have sex with them. When I see boys..... I can think they're cute, and handsome, and have a good personality. I get crushes on them, but when I'm actually dating them I feel weird. I just... ahhhh..... I don't know. Panromantic homosexual felt so right for me, and now I don't know. Am I just not attracted to the men I know? Am I a lesbian? Please help!

    Notes: I don't know many non binary people, but I am attracted to a trans girl.
    I've seen porn. Two vaginas turn me on, but penis/penis or penis/vagina kinda repulses me.
    Is it bad to have a crush on a girl while you're dating a guy? I haven't even talked to her, but she's REALLY REALLY REALLY hot and has a good taste in music.
     
  2. wilkysarah1

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    I totally feel this, especially the part about having crushes on guys but once you start dating it feels weird. I would love to see advice about this, too :slight_smile: