Look. I say I hate my sexuality, but the thing is I can't even understand it at all, and it seems to fluctuate so much that it drives me nuts. The worst part is that it's nothing even close to 'sometimes I like guys and sometimes I like girls'... I constantly, constantly feel super lonely, and when I feel this way I naturally feel like a want a girl. I feel this major emotional and romantic attraction to females (I am male), and I long for the sense of security I feel when a girl loves me and I love her back. Last year, I had a girlfriend and even tho we were totally dysfunctional and codependant, I felt fulfilled. Now I am alone and I feel terrible. However also, I have this sexual attraction to guys, especially young looking teen-type guys.... which makes me feel gross. Sometimes I see a beautiful guy and feel like I'm falling in love. However, when I was with this girl we had sex a lot, and for the most part I enjoyed it and it felt right. But there were some times with her that it didn't feel right at all. And I would get into this mood where I feel that sex is generally just disgusting and not for me. So then I start to think I'm an asexual. I still get these feelings. When I was 12, my 14 year old male cousin repeatedly molested me, and for some reason I let it happen (he always thought I was asleep, oblivious) because I thought I liked it. But it has traumatized me so much. Now sometimes when I see a good-looking boy of that age range, I start to feel sexual attraction and I feel like a pedophile! It's awful! So I don't even know what my orientation is. It makes no sense. I don't think I actually like little boys, I just think it's obsessive thoughts from trauma. I have so many self-loathing thoughts. I don't feel like it is even possible for anybody to love me. I just hate myself so much, constantly thinking about suicide, and I am so massively ashamed of my sexuality. So much so that even getting a hard-on just makes me sick, and I have to use heroine to feel calm and to keep my libido at bay because it makes me so sick. Honestly I don't think there's much to be said to help me. Maybe I'm venting...
i don't know what to say either, but let me just give you a hug (*hug*) and let me tell you that's it's not impossible for anybody to love you.. i believe that your attractions right now are just caused by your bad experience, sorry to hear that.. sometimes, we feel things that we know aren't right, but the fact that you feel "sick" about it makes me believe that you are actually a good person (*hug*) so please, get over those suicidal thoughts.. i may not fully understand your situation, but i know that if you think it's a really bad one, there are ways to change it, and we are here to support you (*hug*)
Please go talk to a professional who can help you work through the trauma. Put your sexual orientation aside for a bit and get help. I think that's very important and exactly what you need.
Don't you worry:eusa_naug You shouldn't feel ashamed or hate your sexuality. What you feel is pretty normal, maybe you'd be better if you talked to someone else (a therapist) You're not alone!!(&&&)
SOULkitchen, you can get help and resolve the issues that you have no matter what you or anyone else thinks. There are therapists out there who can definitely help you, and again, I think it's important that you talk to someone like that. I truly hope that you feel better soon.
I hate mine too and I feel like parts of you synchronize roughly with points in my own life especially those over confused orientation, relationships, trauma, and self loathing. Fluid/bisexual are the labels I give myself, but some days I love both, one or the other, and in rare cases neither which is probably influenced by my disgust over sex and feeling intimate. I was molested by my cousins for a while(age 6-9) so every time I have sex with a guy, I have the urge to wash myself obsessively and beat myself up over it. It feels nasty and degrading. These feelings are stronger when I choose to bottom. I feel like I hate men because of that, but women intimidate me since they are usually more relationship-oriented and I have never dealt with intimacy properly. Emotional platonic crushes are all I have with women and for that reason, I make a lot of girlfriends real easy, but never ask them out or hook-up. I hate that about myself because there have been many opportunities for love and my insecurities leave me unfulfilled and lonely. All guys do for me is sex so that makes me question whether I only like their sexual organs or butts rather than their personality(not all, but most). I have rape fetishes too(it goes both ways) which I feel is so wrong and beyond a fetish because it's a perverted mechanism of my past "trauma" I guess. If it helps, I want to tell you you're not alone, and there's someone as crazy as you. You don't have to suffer more and alienate yourself. I'm hoping i had enough insight to change something in your mentality, but I'm struggling with my own. (*hug*). Friends and people that respect your life experiences are great support. Ask them or help others like yourself. We can learn from our flaws through another's similar circumstances.
If you were abused by someone and still suffering negative psychological consequences, it is critically important to see a qualified professional to cure yourself. Otherwise that stuff will follow you and blight your life for years if not decades. Don't continue to suffer with it alone. Once you sort that out, all your other issues will become so much easier to deal with.
