Still questioning and still struggling. I've now been dating a girl for two months now, and each time I'm with her I feel like I'm just living a lie: a lie to her, a lie to myself, a lie to everyone. I am so afraid to come out, though, because it's an irreversible decision. But at the same time, I'm constantly checking my sexual response to her because I'm grasping for any proof that I might be straight, and that this will work out. I'm constantly referencing childhood memories which predominantly involved crushes on girls, but really since I was 15, I've basically been watching gay porn. I mean it's 100% gay. I also occasionally cam with men naked: I just naturally gravitate toward men. I always check out men on the streets. Yet, I can't ignore some of the feelings I have toward women: sometimes when my girlfriend undresses, I get excited. I don't get excited because I was touching myself, but literally because I was just looking at her. I also sexted with her and it was a huge turn on. Yet again, I reference these instances because I'm trying to grasp at the straight life, because I'm trying to make this work out. I'm so secure that I like men, yet so insecure about women. I mean it's there, but I'm resigning to the fact that I'm predominantly gay, but with a sexual attraction to women every now and then.
First of all...Hi, it's nice to meet you From what you're saying here, it sounds as if you'd be bisexual. On the other hand, you could just be appreciating her beauty, and that's okay, too. If you haven't talked to her about your feelings, perhaps you should. I'm not saying WHAM drop it on her like bricks and hope for the best, but perhaps in a neutral setting, somewhere comfortable, open up a little at a time. If she cares for you, she'll be more than willing to listen, and be supportive. It's good that you've shared here too, there are many people here who can relate, and give helpful feedback. I'll keep good thoughts for you! (*hug*)
When you say you feel like you are lying you have to realize to yourself, do you genuinely feel like you are lying or are you scared that you might be lying. There a difference, one is true lying and ther other is the irrational fear that creeps up on you. My advice is to not worry about your sexual responses to her because if you do they will diminish because you are not focusing where you should focus. what you need to do is stop the porn use, you say you naturally gravitate towards that, but do you really or do you do it out of habit (like i did). Porn is porn and isnt a great indicator of orientation. Stop the cycle of porn use for a Long time and then see how you feel. do you check out men sexually, or do you look at them to compare yourself (thts what i did). You cant be gay and enjoy your girlfriend romantically and sexually. You could be Bi. But what you need to be is authentic. stop porn, calm down, dont do anything rash. You might likely be Bi because you still love your girlfriend and have sexual responses to her.
Quest, Im going through the exact same thing, Im married and sometimes the thought of being with my wife does excite me in some ways. She is a beautiful person and I do care about her. It was recently explained to me that your "Romantic Orientation" and your "Sexual Orientation" do not always align. For me I still have a Biromantic attaction to my wife and woman, but Im pretty sure my sexual orientation is strictly Homosexual. If nothing else we can take comfort in the fact we live in one of the most excepting places on earth!
I've already told her I'm bisexual. She said it wasn't a deal breaker and that the struggles I'm having are a part of life and there's nothing to be ashamed of. I will admit that my perceptions of men are extremely unhealthy, it's almost like a fetish. The two men I've been with sexually: let's just say it didn't work out so well. I feel like it's just me attempting to replicate the porn I'm watching. You'd think that a gay guy would at least be able to get aroused. This is my biggest fear with coming out: that it's just a way to live out fantasy world.
