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Evidence of OCD in past, BI? HOCD?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SoulSearcher, Feb 19, 2015.

  1. SoulSearcher

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    I have been looking into my past to find evidence of OCD like symptoms that could reinforce the HOCD that i am feeling now. i have found so many.

    Earliest was when i was a kid i hated brushing my teeth, but was forced to do it anyway, so after i did i constantly spit and spit and spit into napkin or something just to get the taste out of my mouth. Even if the taste had gone away i did it anyway, and hated the taste of mint flavoured anything even if i never tried it. Years later i love mint gum.
    Now a days irecently got into skin care and obsessively attending to my face. Just because i had acne. So i bought everything and everything, acne washes and cleansers and mosturizers. I would spend hours in the mirror picking at my face (sorry everyone lol) and clearing pores and basically anything. I still do this but i have calmed down.
    Back a few years ago, i never really got scared by scary things, until i watched a documentary on Lizzie borden and how she murdered her family with an axe. I got a panic attack and locked the doors and started crying because i thought someone would come and murder me and my mom. I was like 16 and way too old to think that, but i felt it anyway. I remember for a split second that what if i murdered my mom with an axe like lizzie. Eventually i calmed down and went away. I can think of more but ill stop.
    My friends do say i obsess over everything and shes right.
    So all this evidence does help me think that i might have HOCD now, considering ive had alot of ocd tendencies in the past. But just now it suddenly is attacking sexuality.
    It doesnt help that i have had no experience with women or men in real life.
    And i am confused to the point where i dont even know what i want or if i would enjoy sexual activites with men.
    I do want to have sex with women someday (or maybe is that just my heteronormativity showing)
    I never wanted to have sex with men (even before my freak out)
    All my romantic fantasies have been for women.
    I can think about men romantically but i have to nudge it to the forefront to start. I dont say i particurally enjoy it but it feels like i have to check.

    I am very open minded and gay friendly all my life because of my friends. But i was a prude to anything sexual about women from how i was raised. I was afraid i would be doing something dirty and wrong and that i would be like the guys at school who were all "Oh yeahh boobs girls sex" that my friends hated, i didnt want to become that person.
    From an early age i watched guy related porn because 1: i was curious at the time 2: it was the only thing i could watch without feeling bad or dirty. 3: i learned to get off too it because it was there and i could relate to what they were feeling because i had the same parts.
    I would purposely not look at anything with a naked women because it was "wrong". SO i made a habit of reading/watching guy related things. I never watched full on gay porn, but i did read about guys jerking with each other, and solo jerking. Never liked oral, or kissing, or anal. It was mindless i just did it so i could get on with my day after getting a boner. I never thought of the men as attractive or whether i would actually do it or not.
    So when i had my first anxiety freak out, because this was my past and my only experience, this fueled the reasons why im convincing myself as gay, or at least bi.
    I also feel like i never gave women a chance because of how i viewed them, i viewed them as dont look at them like that they are only friends and you shouldnt think of them that way. So i didnt, and i got by with it because when i was horny, i had a habit that did the trick fast. I never thought of men sexually i dont think in real life? I never had the desire to kiss one, or have romantic thoughts about them. I never had a crush on one. But it feels like i have nagging thoughts in my head of "look its an attractive man, you are gay, you watched porn with guys in it to jerk off, dont ever think about loving a girl you couldnt do it just accept youre gay". So at this point i dont even know what i truly want. I feel as though ive brainwashed myself. But i took some of you guys' advice and stopped the porn use. Still have a nagging thought as too "your horny just do it youll like it, you actually enjoy it". But i can ingore that pretty well, but what if it is right and i would enjoy it?. If i need actual help i dont know how i would possible get it, i have no money, and i would have to do it behind my parents back because i dont want them to know anything about this.
    I do want a girlfriend and to be loved and love her and thinking of romance with them sounds wonderful but then the thoughts appear "no you actually would want a man. Dont kid yourself". I almost feel like i should stop visiting EC because i feel like it is becoming a compulsion. Because i keep reading stories similar to mine, and people say Oh your gay just accept it, so i think im gay. But then i read another and they say that person is straight and have HOCD, so i relax and think im straight. In fact at this point any label would be fine as long as it stops. So anywho, This sucks and hate everything. How is your day going guys? haha
     
  2. Jax12

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    Okay first of all, calm down.

    You cannot diagnose yourself with a disorder, you'd need to speak with a psychologist/therapist for that. I thought I had HOCD through online tests and it turns out I don't.

    It's quite obvious at this point that porn is starting to affect you and causing a lot of stress. Have you stopped watching porn? And how long have you watched it?

    Another question. When you are all calm down, who you want to date, guys or girls?
     
  3. NamesNotJake

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    Can somebody explain HOCD?
     
  4. QuestForTruth

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    HOCD is homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder. It's the irrational fear, doubt or worry that you might be gay, despite overwhelming evidence that you aren't.

    Likewise, there are gay people who suffer from straight obsessive compulsive disorder where they fear they might be straight.

    These are not phobias, these fears usually stem from being afraid you are going to hurt someone. I currently am dating a girl for whom I have feelings, and respond sexually too yet I fear I might be gay. Previously, when I dated men I had fears that I might be more straight. Its a mess.:eusa_doh: