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I feel schizophrenic and crazy at moments, I only want to express myself!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by The Falcon, Feb 20, 2015.

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  1. The Falcon

    The Falcon
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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I won't recount my story at length in here, only some key details, and I just need your advice and opinion. Here we go.

    I am probably homosexual (although after reading Foucault I don't really like any of the terms that identify us as something different than a pre-supposed norm).

    Basically I was always girly and different, but I remember having heterosexual feelings from a very young age, and I started masturbating on girls. Somewhere along the way I started jerking off on guys, and being lonely and socially awkward I just brushed it off. I had time to hide it. I've never been with a girl nor a guy. I am currently twenty. I've changed dramatically, I did went through "ugly duckling-beautiful swan" transformation. I am tall and more confident, I am socially manipulative, I am intelligent and very well-educated. This all sounds very arrogant and weird, but I am just telling you how I feel about things.

    All I want is to be a man! A strong, respectful, fearless, smart, beautiful man. I want to be an example to the community, to children, to loved ones. Therefore, the last couple of years I started questioning my identity and my sexuality, while accepting and embracing it at the same time. Does any of this make any sense? And I constantly say that I don't want to be defined by my sexuality, but that's the only thing I think of and when I look back at the last few years, I can only see myself being depressed whenever I have a homosexual feeling.

    Long story short, I had a lot of time for myself and self-development, and somehow I just started being interested by women. I had a lecture in the University, when suddenly I started salivating, I was literally hungry for pussy! I wanted to put my head between a woman's legs. I was very happy, I even had dreams about girls, and jerked off on girls, but I constantly feel like I've lost it, like I have to cultivate it. That was a month ago, right now I am asexual. I see girls and guys I might like, and there is a sudden gust of attraction that stops at the place it started. I am like: meh! I don't need these things.

    What the fuck should I do? The easiest answer is> try out whatever you want, and see what you like. But guilt will overcome me if I try it with a girl and I don't get an erection or I realize I don't like them or even worse I fear falling for one only to lie to her about my past. If I try it with a guy, I will feel guilty for obvious reasons, and most of all I don't want to hide into an apartment or on some shady web-sites, sucking someone's dick.

    And all of this seems so ridiculous that I will laugh it out myself. Because all of the hetero people that I know were able to exercise their sexual prowess at the age of 12, and had relationships with people since forever, and I spent 6 years just contemplating all of this... I am a joke, and a stupid, fearful creature!
     
    #1 The Falcon, Feb 20, 2015
  2. Sh1f73r

    Sh1f73r
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    I know how you feel. I was raised in a way that I never really saw the world oustide my house.
    I lost it, I skrewed up
    I ended
    skrewed up
    now I must clean my
    big
    mess
    every day I have to slay
    many
    "inner demons"
    But back to
    you.
    My sexuality used to sway like yours does. One moment this girl would be like "yea theres a girl" to "REALY HOT" same with guys to, had fantasies mid day of giving, and getting a blowjob, anyway
    that was TMI
    sorry for that..
    Try seeking God, thats how I got back in track what I could say to God is
    "Because I knew you I am for the good" -Wicked
    Also here is a good vid to watch
    skip to 1:40 and watch through but all of it is really good as well
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvhqTIfJWa8
    "Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but it doesn't make you who you are.
    It is the
    rest of the story, who
    you
    choose
    to
    be."
    "So Panda, what are you"
    -Kung Fu Panda 2
    I reccomend you watch the whole movie but here is a good advice from it if you don't have the time.
    "Stop fighting, Let it flow"
    -Kung Fu Panda 2
    Also, God works in mysterious ways.
    Don't shame at your feelings, do not fight them.
    "Freelance"
    but BEWARE
    1. Do not obsess over your feelings
    2. No point trying to force feelings, trust me, I tried and it became a waste of time.
     
    #2 Sh1f73r, Feb 20, 2015
  3. The Falcon

    The Falcon
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    All but family
    Funny but helpful! Thank you.
     
    #3 The Falcon, Feb 22, 2015
  4. Chet

    Chet
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hi there,

    I recognize some of myself in your Story. I, too, wanted to be a respect, strong man - as I still like to be - and I, too, started off only having sexual fantasies of Girls.

    I have no miraculous tips that will solve your problems. Bottom line is that you should try to accept who you are and what you feel. What makes people respected? Not so much their sexuality, but more who they are and what they do. If you would turn out to be gay (you might or you might not) you will still be respected if you strive to be a good person and be good at what you do.

    I read that you haven't yet explored a lot, as you haven't yet been with a man or woman. Why don't you try to see what that's like? Try dating a man or woman and remember to be safe. I don't promise your feelings will go away, in fact, be prepared that they will not. But at least you will get to know yourself and your preferences some more. You're young, you don't have too many responsibilities yet except studying. This really is your chance to start to discover yourself and experiment a little.

    Good luck.
     
    #4 Chet, Feb 22, 2015
  5. The Falcon

    The Falcon
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Thank you! Life is hard, but death is so boring, whereas life is so full of possibilities! Thank you!
     
    #5 The Falcon, Feb 23, 2015
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