It's impossible not to label myself

You don't have to choose a label if you are still questioning. Accept that whatever you are attracted to is fine. I'm struggling with labels too but most of the time I just don't care. I like what I like and I'm totally fine with it.

Hang on in there (*hug*)

 

I think it's very important to figure out your feelings. While you shouldn't stress about it I also don't think you shouldn't care because if you, for instance, are in denial about your sexuality without realizing it that can lead to very bad consequences. I went through a lot of emotional turmoil when I was unconsciously struggling with my sexuality, so I think it is good that you are trying to sort out your feelings. That's what you should do, imo. Self discovery is extremely important. What's not good is getting so attached to a label that thinking that you are something else makes you feel bad. I use labels to describe what I'm feeling, not to put myself in a box.

I hope you figure things out soon (*hug*) You need to get to a point where you can be brutally honest with yourself but that can take time. It took me a bit more than a year to really think that "yeah, I'm probably gay". You will get there eventually, and I would say the more you learn to accept yourself for who you are, the faster you'll get your answers.

 

Labels can be the most wonderful little things and the most terrible creatures at the same time. I struggled for a long to because I was worrying about fitting into a label. And labels do matter. Not in the way that you need to conform to one or define yourself, but they can help you find people who are similar to you, and help you to not feel so alone.

If you are still questioning your sexuality, but want a label maybe accept "questioning" as your label, or even "queer" is broader term that a lot of people use to encompass the nuances of their sexuality.

It can be hard when you're trying to find a box to fit into, but you just can't quite find the right one. But a little secret; there is no box, and labels are merely tools to help describe our attractions or who we are. Whats most important is that you are true to yourself.

Accepting your feelings comes first, and then a label will present itself given time. (*hug*)

 

So, you're basically saying that you are bisexual but you don't like your attraction to guys?

 

I don't want to give you spiritual bullshit. But you''ll hear it anyways: be who you want to be, go with the flow, don't worry about labels. But it isn't that damn simple, isn't it?

I don't know what can I tell you, I can try giving you some of the things I found by myself. First of all, we are all human! Everything that's happening to you is a human thing. And these damn labels that we all hate so much are also human-made things. Do not worry. Everything is human, whatever you do is human.

Another advice I could give is to be more philosophically inclined towards all of this. Are you homosexual or bisexual or pan-sexual maybe? You are who you are! Because what makes a person homosexual? Having sex with people of the same sex? Or having the thoughts? But thoughts can stop and disappear completely, or they can increase and overcome you! But what are you? What if in one point of your life, you only had homosexual feelings, with no heterosexual feelings whatsoever. But later you had only heterosexual feelings? Are you bisexual? Well not exactly?

It is complicated. And people that haven't gone through this can't even imagine the complexity of the situation. So you can only listen to yourself!

You are only human and you are NAME SURNAME. That's who you are. And that's not a box, that's you! I am not saying to accept who you are, because that's the fucking hard part. What is there to accept!? Maybe exactly that - the fact that you can't accept yourself for the moment.

Random question: being a girl, why do you brush off the hetero feelings? Are you in a relationship with a woman, and you are afraid of stop being attracted to her?

 

Two things crossed my mind while reading this. They may be completely off, but I will mention them anyway.

1) You have anxiety issues related to guys which does not have anything to do with your sexual orientation. What is your history with guys/men? How have they treated you?
2) You don't have any genuine attraction to guys and that's why you feel this way.

 

Are you in general uncomfortable with people seeing you as sexy or just being sexy?
If a woman looked at you in a sexual way and wanted to have sex with you how would you feel?

 

I also find it difficult to label myself. After watching 7 years of porn, I've conditioned myself to look at people a certain way, and that doesn't solve anything. I will say though, that the act of the porn I watched was arousing, but in reality didn't feel right.

I'm still trying to figure it out, it'll take time. Best not to let it take control of you life.

 

Hey Sporn,

I just wanted to reply again. I saw that you mentioned you have HOCD, and couldn't resist posting again to try to help.

I too struggled with a form of HOCD (or as I'd rather call it identity OCD), and it is such a struggle to cope with those anxieties, the confusion, the lack of a solid answer, ect, ect. The uncertainty can be unbearable. Trust me I know... But what helped me, was instead of focusing on my sexual identity, or my gender identity, or what ever the OCD was trying to make me stress over, instead focus on the OCD itself.

Now I know this may sound counter intuitive, and you'll think how's that supposed to help? I need to find an answer. But the problem is our reassurance seeking behaviors don't help us to solve the problem, they only makes the OCD worse. Its like putting a band-aid over a bullet wound.

Instead ask why the OCD? Why do we need to find an answer? What is the big fear driving behind the current obsession+anxiety pairing? Why are you afraid of the fear that is rooted in your identity issue? Why do you have this fear? Is there a way that you can work on yourself to be more accepting of this fear as a part of you? ect, ect, if you keep asking why (i find journaling it out helps), eventually you can make more sense of the roots of your struggles and begin to tackle your insecurities and fears head on. It takes a lot of work and can be scary, but (for me at least) continuing to live with the OCD was far more frightening.

And given a bit of time for the OCD to heal, your identity will become clearer, and you'll be able to make sense of things again. (*hug*)

You have to learn to trust your own insights, your own intuition, what you know about yourself to be true, and accept those things. (I know thats easier said than done, and I know, I know the OCD makes it seem like you don't know anything about yourself, but I promise that's not true.) You just need to help your brain heal, and when its feeling better the answers you're looking for will become clearer and less anxiety provoking.

Hang in there, and I hope you are able to find some clarity soon (*hug*)

 

Sporn, I'm similar, though I do not have issue as being seen as a girl. I know I'm attracted to women. I feel like sometimes I have an attraction to men, but I just do not want to be physical with them. I wonder at times if it is due to anxiety, as I am generally less comfortable around males. But something else I'm realizing is that I have *tried* so long to be attracted to males I've become tired. I just don't even want to think about it. The idea of it doesn't repulse me, exactly, but it just seems like a chore.

These feelings can be confusing when I do notice an attractive guy, or have warm-fuzzy feelings toward a male friend. But personally I've just accepted that I'm "mostly gay" but try to keep an open mind if some guy did actually come around and sweep me off of my feet. It seems increasingly unlikely, but I would not absolutely rule out the possibility.

This leads me to my next point- labels are for communication. So, what do you want to communicate to people? How do you feel about yourself? I personally feel that while some people fit very neatly into a category others (like myself, and maybe you) may not. Personally I've just chosen what seemed "best fit" with the understanding that people ARE all different, not every person will fit under every label precisely, and that "lesbian," "gay" and "Bisexual" may each encompass a variety of people with a variety of feelings about the same and the opposite sex. You may try not to worry so much about fitting into a category so precisely, and that could possibly bring you some relief.