I am going through hell. Please help?

Hi to all who may read this post.

I have turned to this site because I don't really know what else to do. I apologise in advance for the length of this post because I am just going to start typing and see what comes out.

I am a 26 year-old male from the UK. I came out of a six-year relationship, the longest I have ever had by quite a way, last June. I was dumped by my girlfriend while we were on holiday and I haven't really dealt with it properly, instead going straight (two weeks after I got back home) into a relationship with a girl who I knew was leaving the country two months later but it all felt so right that I just went along with it. It was almost exclusively based on sex and I was incredibly attracted to her. She was everything my ex wasn't; fun, sexually open, etc etc. She went ahead and moved away and I was heartbroken but again failed to really address what I was going through, obsessing about her for weeks until I moved on to another girl who I had once thought about having a fling with while I was with my ex but never acted on it. She was great and attractive but things dwindled away quite quickly as I found her a little too serious and didn't really enjoy our sexual experiences. Then the trouble started.

(This is just a little context about everything that has happened. Please feel free to skip if you don't feel like reading my entire life story) I have had several times in my life where I have questioned my sexuality, the earliest being when I was around 18. I was with a girl who I was very attracted to and she was my first real serious girlfriend. Before that, throughout my teenage years, I had kissed a few girls but never really felt a real connection with any of them, and I certainly never considered getting involved with anyone of the same sex. I came very close to losing my virginity to this girl but for some reason, possibly because I had built it up so much in my mind as this huge life-defining moment, I couldn't go through with it. I literally got to the point of 'breaking the seal' so to speak but shied away at the last second. She asked me whether I thought I might be gay and was that why I couldn't do it, and after a brief period of thought about it I said no. We broke up after around six months, and although I did the dumping, I regretted it almost immediately and we spent a while hanging out and fooling around until she moved away.

Around a year later, I got with my ex, who I lost my virginity to within a few months of being together. She was great and we got on really well but on reflection I'm not sure how strongly I ever really felt about her. Things were very convenient for both of us in the relationship and although cracks started to appear after a few years, we stayed together. In the early part of the relationship, the sex was great and we both really enjoyed it but after a while it became a routine, few-and-far between kind of thing that we both just sort of, did. I have to say that in all of this time, I considered my sexuality very occasionally, with the odd time of thinking about an attractive male friend or acquaintance the only real dalliance. I never attempted to explore those feelings further and essentially buried them as the thought of being attracted to another man made me feel very uncomfortable.

Anyway that all came to an end after a lengthy period of decline and I got with the next girl. She was someone I had known for a while but never really thought of in a sexual way. However, she returned to my home town after a while away and all of a sudden, she was stunning. I found her incredibly attractive and after she had a brief thing with one of my friends, we got together. We had a ton of great sex in the months we were together and she made me feel awesome. When she inevitably left, I was devastated.

(Back to the reason for the post) After the next (serious) girl came and went, I started to accompany some friends to a local bar that opens late on a weekend, 'on the pull' so to speak. I have never really felt massively comfortable with approaching random strangers and attempting to initiate an encounter, but I thought what the hell. After a few unsuccessful nights, I went once more and stared longingly at all of the attractive females in the bar. All of a sudden, after once more failing to get with a girl, and almost out of nowhere, I had an overwhelming desire to leave. As I did, a thought hit me. Maybe you're gay? I mean, have you ever REALLY thought about it? The thought terrified me, as among my friends and family I have a reputation of being something of a charmer and a ladies man. I have always enjoyed this status and never really thought of being anything else. I love the company of women, but not especially more than men, and have always felt comfortable in a variety of social settings. This thought began to grip me and over the weeks and months since then (it began about 3 months ago) it has become a source of such significant anxiety for me that I am struggling to cope. It is on my mind all the time, to the point where I can't concentrate when people are talking to me and I get almost no enjoyment from social interactions as I feel like my brain is screaming at me all the time.

Perhaps selfishly, and almost certainly stupidly, since this has been going on I have initiated a relationship with another girl. Someone I have known for a while and always had a bit of a thing for. For a while, I felt I could manage what was going on in my head and we got along famously, having a lot of great sex and just really enjoying each others company, seeing each other every day. She is a wonderful person and very attractive, and really is everything I could possibly want from a potential partner. Unfortunately, my anxiety about potentially being gay (or bi) has gotten so bad that the last few times we have begun to have sex, I have lost my erection after a minute or so. I love this girl, and have no doubt that I want to be with her, but I just cannot get past what is going on in my head. I have tried to attribute it to H-OCD, but that isn't cutting it. The thought of getting involved sexually with a man initially disgusted me but I am starting to feel that perhaps, I need to experiment to find out what is really going on. I have tried watching gay porn but don't really get any strong reaction to it, whereas I do still find myself getting an erection watching straight stuff. I am so miserable right now, and desperate to find a resolution to this hell I am going through.

Anyway, I will leave it there. To anyone who has read to the end of this, I already really appreciate it. Any advice you may be able to give me would be incredible. If you need/want any more context/details, I am more than happy to provide. Am I suffering from some kind of weird obsession that has no basis in fact? Or am I in denial and always have, in fact, been gay (or bi)? Please help.

Thanks

 

Thank you for your replies, I will take them into account.

I feel I should add a couple of things to my original post. I have never really considered myself a particularly sexual person, however recent relationships have really brought it out in me. Especially with the partner directly after my girlfriend, I felt very close emotionally and physically to her. I think the happiest I have been for a while was when anticipating her coming round to my house (where I lived alone after my girlfriend moved out).

However, in recent weeks especially, the idea of being with a woman sexually has become rather distant and muddy in my mind. Now, most of the time, all I can picture is men. Even when watching tv or simply walking around my home town, almost every man I see seems like a 'target' for a sexual experience. This leads me to believe that perhaps the attraction is not a real thing, rather it may just be a symptom of my obsessive personality.

I have struggled with an obsessive leaning for as long as I can remember. It has veered from a fear of death (my own and others, especially family) to constantly going over a particular scene from a horror film, to constantly ruminating over interactions I have had with people that didn't go as well as I'd hoped, etc etc.

With regards to my most recent partner. She is perfect in every sense. She is beautiful, popular, an all-round fun and genuinely good person. Every time I look at her I feel an intense emotional and protective connection with her, as well as a feeling of real pride that I can attract such a terrific human being. However, this obsession is taking over my life and I am terrified it will ruin not just this relationship, but every other one I have with friends/colleagues/family.

Thanks again for all/any advice you may be able to offer.