Hey internet users, I'm currently trying to figure this out for myself, In fact I'm writing this under the advice of a therapist I spoke to. I'm not seriously traumatized by the fact that I might be gay. I'm pretty level headed about the whole thing, never lost a nights sleep over it, nothing like that. But never the less it has been a fairly prominent thought in the back of my mind for probably 8 years, and I'm only 20... I told my mom a month ago that "I was having trouble coming to terms with my sexual orientation" in an effort to force myself to make a move on this. And so far it's working besides the obvious nervousness about the path forward from here... It was such a shock to my mom when I told her because the thought had never even occurred to her. My limited success with woman far outstrips my brothers success and I don't exactly project gay. She spent the next phone call trying to reassure me that she was with me every step of the way, while I listened for her benefit and reassured her that despite her thoughts on the previous conversation, I already had that impression . I have a close family so I'm sure that if my mother doesn't suspect anything than neither does anyone else in my life (which makes my predicament so much more difficult). I'm pretty sure the only person that suspects anything that I've come into contact with is a guy I kept seeing in the campus gym last year that caught me staring (lets just say it was more than once) I can only think of one person that would struggle with me coming out so It's not like that's stopping me, what is stopping me is my own thoughts on the matter. I'm seriously struggling with even acknowledging it. I would admit to myself that I'm attracted to guys, I've fantasized about it, watched porn, the works, but I struggle with the thought of actually having sex with guys. I don't know if i could do it. And I'm not sure whether that's the result of spending years trying to repress thoughts and just kind of ignore anything on this subject matter. The therapist I saw asked me to think about what I thought my future looked like and I admitted to her that I had avoided thinking about it and hadn't really bothered picturing anything. Thinking about the finer details of this makes me extremely nervous. At this point, in the near future anyways, experimenting isn't really an option for me, because the thought terrifies me. Its frustrating that what for some people is so simple is so insanely difficult for me. Seriously ever single person in my life will find this easier than I'm finding it. I guess what I'm looking for is someone that has, or is currently experiencing something like this. I'm certain that trying to figure this out is the right move for me but It's certainly not easy and I feel like I'm pushing myself every step of the way. It doesn't seem to be one of the things I can just ignore until it goes away... So internet I have been honest to you, I'm looking for your input, perhaps something someone says will push me to think of this in a different way that helps me figure this out. And sorry about the length of this post.
I'm gay. And I struggled a lot to figure it out. I actually thought that kissing a guy would be gross. That is, until I did it. And then I just really melted for the first time in my life. But before that, I couldn't even imagine how two guys could even kiss. I don't know that you're gay, or that you'll ever want to have sex with a man. but you won't figure any of this out just thinking about it. it's not an intellectual exercise. the only way to be really sure is to get out there on the playing field, and see what happens. by that, I don't mean just hook up with some random person and have sex. Rather, I mean that you get out there and make lots of friends, gay and straight, male and female. see who you click with, and develop some closer friendships, relationships. eventually, you might (I hope) find some friends, or a friend, with whom you can talk about the secrets of your heart. you might find that deep friendships are accompanied by all kinds of attractions. you might learn all kinds of things. just get out there. is there anything like a gay-straight alliance that you could join in your area? meetups? clubs? etc? good luck!
thanks for the advice! I'm beginning to realize that that's truly the only way to figure it out. I'm fairly certain I'm not straight but It's just figuring out where I am beyond that. I have friends that I could talk to, It's just getting up the courage to begin those conversations. But progress waits for no one. And that step is nearing.
EIT, like you wrote in my topic, I think I can feel you too. From what I can understand, you have a wonderful and caring family and that is maybe the most difficult part in understanding your true self, as I can say for my case. I think I have always repressed my true feelings and thoughts, because of the image I had created in my mind for the family I want from my own parents and honestly I wanted to marry a woman, have kids etc. I don't want to disappoint my parents I love so much. So my mind wouldn't like to accept my true feelings and until some weeks ago I thought I could still find a girl and be happy. However, although I don't really feel ready yet to make a step and find a boyfriend (I wonder how many more years it will take from now ) I can say that after my acceptance that I am gay and I let my mind have all the thoughts it wants, I think am not as asexual as I thought I even almost got a boner from a handsome guy in the subway, something I could never achieve with a girl. However, I do get close emotionally with girls and appreciate their beauty, I can't see them as sexually as men though. I hope that the romantic thing with men will come in time with the acceptance. Your mother seems too good to be true, I hope I have the guts to tell my parents soon and build a personal life from the beginning, I hope it's not too late. I hope that they react as well as yours did, because I think that's the only way I will find confidence and start making relationships and ultimately be happy.
Hi, and welcome. First a couple things that might be helpful: -- A lot, perhaps the majority, of gay guys don't fit the stereotypes. Quite a few, you'd never know they're gay. So not fitting the stereotypes really has no impact on whether or not you're gay. -- The things you point out that would "keep you" from accepting that you're gay (not liking the idea of having sex with a guy, not imagining your future with a guy) are, actually, among the most common things that gay guys say when they're still coming to terms with self-acceptance of being gay. So there are stages of loss when processing any sort of loss (in this case, loss of perception you're straight) and the stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. The stages aren't always sequential, and sometimes you can have elements of more than one at the same time. Part of denial is finding rationalizations why one isn't, or couldn't be gay. But considering that one could be is consistent with bargaining. It's all part of the process. So... breathe. Give yourself time. This won't happen instantly, but you're already making huge strides toward understanding yourself. Neither I nor anyone else here can tell you whether or not you're gay or bi; only you, with time, can do that. What we can do is point out things to think about, and things that might help you make educated guesses to explore. You've mentioned that you fantasize about guys and watch gay porn. So what's that experience like compared to watching straight porn and fantasizing about women? Same level of arousal? More? Less? While porn isn't a reliable indicator of sexual orientation, masturbation fantasies are a lot more reliable. As far as the issue of not being able to imagine sex with a guy... that's actually also quite common. It can serve as a sort of safe unconscious barrier to actually accepting yourself, and a lot of guys in the process of discovering themselves have the same fears/blocks. Usually that begins to change as you accept yourself further. So it seems clear that you have some attraction to guys, and that indicates you're not straight. The next question is, if in fact you aren't totally straight... whether you're bi or gay. And honestly, that isn't that important for the moment. I think the bigger piece is determining whether the "not straight" part of yourself is there, and taking the steps to own it if it is. Once you are more comfortable accepting the idea of some attraction to guys, then it will be easier to figure out how much, if any, real attraction to women there is, and that will help you get a better understanding of where your true orientation lies. Feel free to ask more questions, discuss things, read and contribute to the forums. One of the biggest steps in accepting yourself is understanding the shame that goes with it, and, through talking about the feelings, letting go of it. You've already started the journey. All you need to do is to keep taking steps, at whatever pace you want, to help you figure out exactly where you are, and I think that will come about faster, now that you're at this point, than you might have thought possible.
