I'm trying to work out whether I am gay or not, which I have been doing for a while now. I'm not getting anywhere, despite my greatest efforts at accepting it. I must be in some kind of crazy denial or I'm actually mentally ill. I feel attracted to girls in real-life. I have had sex with different girls, and one long-term girlfriend whom I loved deeply. I enjoyed sex with her, I was happy afterwards and it felt right. But of course, I have suffered from sexual problems otherwise I wouldn't be doubting myself. I don't have any problems getting hard or aroused, but I have problems with my mind actually relaxing and enjoying sex because I put immense pressure on myself. Perhaps because I have low self-esteem and no confidence on my bad days. In my mind, good sex should be enjoyable for both parties and should leave you happy and satisfied afterwards. The issue here is that I at some point in my teens got in to anal mastrubation and later on gay/transsexual porn. This was after watching lesbian and straight porn for a while, not sure how long. I watched this for years, compusively. It left me feeling empty and depressed, and I was doing quite badly at the time. I could not talk to people because I was too anxious. I felt inferior to everyone, especially guys. I was nothing. When I met my ex-girlfriend, things started to change. It was like I had to restart myself and actually start feeling emotions again. I was an empty shell before I met her. She completely changed me and I started to see the light again. I was happy with her, but I struggled with the sex. Not all the time, sometimes it was great. But I associated sex with something bad, it would generally leave me feeling depressed afterwards. Eventually I told her about my fantasies and my porn use. She was fine with it, she asked me if I thought I was gay and I told her no, because I love her and was attracted to her. She is a psychologist so she tried her best to help me because she could see how much I was hurting from this. I don't know why I do it. It started with the porn as far as I can remember, and then I would constantly be bombarded with thoughts about how much of a gay slut I am, and how I would love to be fucked by a guy. It went from "fantasy" to just making me feel absolutely terrible. I tried stopping, but after a while it always comes back. It's like a thought pops up and I feel very anxious, it comes at any time. I feel the need to mastrubate so I do. Before I was numb all the time so I just did it and got on with my life. The last few years it has made me cry and feel sick to my stomach many times. It can be pleasurable, it's like I enter my own fantasy world where there are no pressures and I don't think about anything. But when you are constantly thinking about how much of a gay slut you are and that all you want is to be fucked and you anxiety is spiking all day at work, when watching movies, anytime really - it becomes a problem. Now I've reached a point where I REALLY need to sort this out. I have started to see a therapist and been completely honest with him. But so far it's not helping. I want to know if this is what denial feels like. Is this what most people go through when the realize who they are sexually? Because I'd like to say, with confidence, that what I had with my ex-girlfriend was not fake. Actually, I loved her to bits. She was my everything. I feel almost like I rape myself. I punish myself in some weird way. But I get pleasure out of it. What do I do? Do I need to start dating guys (despite the fact that I have no desire to do so or even feel attracted to guys)? I am so over it. I don't have any problems with being gay. One more thing, I have also gone to a gay sauna once. When I got home from work, my mind flooded with gay thoughts. It told me this is what I want and because I had broken up with my girlfriend a few weeks back I thought why not. I was sure I was gay at this point. So I went there, and I felt nothing. No attraction, no arousal. I touched a guy and still felt nothing. I didn't want him touching me, it felt weird. I asked him to put on a condom and then I tried blowing him, still feeling numb. He kept trying to touch me but I pushed him off so he left. After this I went in to the bathroom, cried like a baby and put two fingers down my throat. And then, I left, got myself a drink, smoked a cigarette and thought - ah well that's done now, now I can go and see if I can find a cute girl to hit on. Fucked up.
Breath bud... take a pause and breath... Your attraction to your girlfriend sounds real to me. So don't try to deny you have feelings for women. You don't have to deny your fantasies either. They excite you in your head, but reality doesn't. No shame in fantasizing about something you would never actually do. I loved using a dildo while masturbating. It feels so good doesn't it. There is no shame to it. Why would there be nerves down there if we weren't meant to be pleased... If you don't have any physical or emotional arousal when you are around guys then I doubt you are gay or bisexual. Stay off of porn for an extended period of time, weeks. Work with your therapist on all these issues. Keep connected here, you are questioning, and there are plenty of people here who can give you better advice.
Yeah, I keep trying to enjoy my fantasies but it just sends me under. I can get very excited and aroused by them, but it's almost like it only works if I try to fight it. It's almost like I have to really NOT want it to get excited by it. But it happens all the time, at work for instance. My mind gets flooded with gay thoughts (not about anyone at work, just general thoughts about gay sex and how much of a slut I am) and I go to the toilet to mastrubate, but then sometimes it just stops. It's like I accepted it, now it's gone. So I am unable to do it. Or like yesterday, a thought entered my head and because I don't want to live in denial and just know who the fuck I am, I decided to straight away look at gay porn before the anxiety/arousal/whatever dissappears. I got hard, but not excited. And then 30 seconds later I lost my erection and felt nothing. Today after work I thought I have to mastrubate straight away when having a shower but because it was planned, I was not able to enjoy it. I didnt feel horny or anything. I just thought that I have to do it now so I can figure out if I'm gay. It just doesn't stop.
I can relate to your situation completely. My questioning started abruptly after porn use one day. I always watched straight,shemale,gay,incest but despite the porn I've always been attracted to girls and became a ladies man when i turned 18(blossom'd after highschool lol). I was 23 years old when this sarted and never had any feelings towards men that lead me to believe i was gay. I've always been an extremely anxious person and obsessed about things so idk if this questioning is a reality or my anxiety. Like you my mind has become completely clouded also so i feel where you're coming from. Everywhere i go and look is followed by extreme anxiety and questioning. I do notice that when my mind relaxes or is distracted i notice the opposite sex more. Its confusing and has basically made my life a living hell for 2+ years now. Idk how much advice i have but it mite help to know you ARE NOT alone.
Maybe... You have a gay fetish? I've seen other guys who go through things like this. Honestly, it's probably just a kinky thing that turns you on. Ultimately it's just a fantasy, and if you don't find guys attractive outside of that fantasy, you are straight.
There is a lot of straight guys with that fantasies, yes, and I've met them. You are normal, trust me, so stop questioning your manhood, it's only making yourself miserable. Everytime you try to repress it, it's going to get worse, so give yourself a break. I'd rather be more concerned about your self steem. I don't think your fantasies are the real cause, it seems more as if you are trying unconciously to blame it on that. It takes some time for therapists to do their job, so be patient and be honest, even when it hurts.
im sorry Vodkabaret, i'm not quite sure if there was sarcasm in that response about the fantasies. I have always struggled with very low self esteem though, your right about that.
Sounds a lot like me, to be honest. Yeah I've watched porn since I was 11, but it was only to get the thoughts out of my head, which still bobbles my mind. I don't mind being gay, but my mind doesn't want to decide. It's so annoying. I thought for a while that I was gay, but I actually had feelings for girls whom I thought were cute. In fact, holding hands and making out with a girl gave me a boner, which to me knowledge does not mean I'm gay. I do, however, have some sort of attraction towards older men. Maybe that's just my thing, older men, and not guys my age. A lot of times when I masurturbate, I have to remind myself that "I like this, I like this" etc until I subconciously accept it. Honestly, I sometimes doubt my orientation because in porn it's arousing and whatnot, but in reality it's like I have to force myself to do it, like "don't think just do".
I can accept that perhaps it's just a fantasy, and that I should be able to just enjoy it without worrying what it could mean about my sexuality. Throughout my life, I've yet to feel attracted to a guy or had any feelings towards anyone. But this is where the problem and all the worrying comes in - what if I am in denial? I do feel anxious around other guys sometimes, and thoughts pop into my head, questioning whether I want to have sex with them. The reason I don't think this is me being attracted to them is because the same anxious thought enter my head when for instance I hug my dad, whom I am not attracted to, thankfully.. I generally fantasize about girls that I have met and felt attracted to. This is something I do when the opportunity arises, I don't compulsively mastrubate to this. Sometimes what happens is that my mind gets completely flooded with thoughts about gay sex and as usual I decide to mastrubate to it or "test" if this time I really am gay - sometimes I go through with it and feel terrible afterwards, sometimes I don't feel anything afterwards just numb and weird, and sometimes I can't do it. Like I said, it's like if I "accept" the thoughts and don't fight them, they lose their power. So instead I think of a girl that I have met or something, and get off to that instead. I feel that I really need the answer in order to move on with my life, and the only way to find out is to try it in real life. Which I did, and it was terrible. But I tell myself that doesn't mean anything and that I have to try again, despite not wanting to. I feel I HAVE to, otherwise I will never get any clarity.
Not male, but I feel like I could give a small amount of input on this. I have a straight male friend (cis male, not trans) who happens to like a bit of anal play. I know him and his gf and that he's had gfs in the past. He's never had sex with a guy, and he's mentioned that he's open but hesitant to "try the real thing." He's used toys before, but that's it. Very openly sexual person. Another friend's mom once mentioned that her (soon-to-be-ex-) husband wanted to experiment in that regard, too, but she said something about that making him gay. I don't know the guy, but he went on to be with another woman, so...who knows. I'm just trying to say that it's possible to be a straight guy and into anal stimulation. Doesn't mean you have to have or want someone else's actual penis back there.
I couldn't sympathise more with your situation Ruler. Your original post could almost have just been plucked from my own brain it is that similar, apart from without the masturbation/gay porn stuff. For the past few months I have been questioning myself, not just sexually but every single aspect of who I am and what I do. I haven't told anybody because I feel completely and utterly ashamed and terrified. It has gotten to the point where earlier today I was playing football with friends (something I have always done and enjoyed) and I just spent the whole time thinking 'why am I doing this, I don't enjoy this' etc etc. It almost feels like my entire life to this point is a lie and I have been in total denial despite never really questioning my sexuality up until this point (maybe once or twice in 26 years). It feels like nothing I have thought or felt has been real up to this point. Like you, I have had several girlfriends (one lasting 6 years) and enjoyed a positive and fulfilling sex life with them, and genuinely loved being with them. But now for whatever reason I just can't shift the thought that maybe I'm gay, always have been and need to just abandon everything and everyone I thought I loved and just become some massive flamer who couldn't care less about anything but getting off with guys. The thought of becoming that way fills me with nothing short of dread, as I want more than anything to be with my current girlfriend and perhaps raise a family someday. I apologise if it seems like I'm trying to steal your thunder on this thread but it is at least some kind of relief that somebody else is going through what I am. Is it messed up denial? Or some kind of mental illness? A symptom of depression (from which I have always suffered)? Why, at the age of 26, is this happening all of a sudden? I just want to be happy again.
I know what you're going through, couldusehelp. It is a real struggle and one you have to keep to yourself unfortunately. I suggest you see a therapist and talk this through with him/her. Have you ever suffered from anxiety? It could be a form of OCD, which is an anxiety disorder. I do suffer from various OCD symptoms and have been diagnosed by two different therapists with OCD. It's common to suffer from unwanted sexual thoughts or doubt about things that are important to you. The thing that always gets me and makes me believe I don't have OCD, is the fact that I have and still can get off to the thoughts. It's very hard to explain to an outsider the whole process, but it's not like it's a choice. I don't get overwhelmed with postive thoughts about my guy friends, about men or anything like that, but instead like I said, I get overwhelming thoughts that comes with a lot of anxiety about doing sexual things that are opposite to what I believe I would enjoy in real life. Yet sometimes, I go through with it. It feels like a compulsion. The amount of times I have attempted to mastrubate to the thoughts in an enjoyable manner without success are many. Thoughts telling me I am so gay, a slut, love cocks etc enter my head, I make an attempt to mastrubate - feel nothing and then it's like I have confirmed in my head that I am not gay this time, so I can proceed to think about a girl or something. But there are also times when I get aroused. It's like they take control of me completely. It happens anywhere, anytime. In public toilets, on airplanes etc. It's such a destructive behaviour. I don't think I would mind being gay, if that's what I am, if I felt positively about other guys or felt attracted to them, but so far I don't. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. If there are any guys here who have gone through denial and can relate to me I would love to hear from you. The thing that always really scares me are when I read about other gay guys who have had fulfilling relationships and sex with women, but that there was always something missing. I don't know if that's what this is, it certainly doesn't feel like I'm lying to myself about how I felt about my ex-girlfriend for instance. I feel the only way to figure out is to try having sex with a guy, but the thought of this fills me with so much dread. It's like I really can't tell if I am going to love it or hate it, so far there's evidence of both. I don't know if this is a good way though, trying to find a casual encounter online just to see how it would feel. I feel it's all a very destructive behaviour and I'm scared for my own well being.
Basically....I'm in the exact same boat. Or at least there are a huge number of similarities between our situations. Question....anyone in this position managed to abstain from porn for an extended period of time? And I mean a really extened period. Multiple months? I've been battling porn addiction for sabout 4 years and was probably addicted for about 4 years before that. It's incredible how I could want something so desperately (to give up porn) and put so much time and effort into it and yet fail so many times. It's how I imagine giving up crack to be (minus physical symptoms) and I do not use that comparison lightly. So....anyone given it up successfully?
Holy crap I cannot believe this thread, this is ME! What the hell? I slept with many girls, had many relationships and had two very serious relationships where I was deeply in love. It all started with porn for me and for some reason gay and specifically shemale porn was super exciting and arousing - although always leaving me feeling like crap. The only major difference between me and the OP is that despite having sex many times, I suffered from ED almost all my life. The only time was my first GF where I had zero ED issues, but the next girl ED came roaring in and it seems to coincide perfectly with my shemale usage. I sometimes wonder if I should try having sex with a guy, but the idea of going on a date with a guy is about as appealing as chewing nails. Again zero romantic inclination. Don't. Know. What. To. Do. Anyway, the anxiety and desire to be a bottom is just uncanny. Yet I have no romantic pull towards men so it just drives me batshit crazy. Good to see the responses here, feeling like I am not alone. So I was pretty abused by mom as a kid. Yelled at, hit, told I was worthless/useless/garbage. I never really dealt with it and just kind of packed it away somewhere, right now my relationship with my mom is fantastic. She is super supportive and loving. No problems. However some of my ex-GFs insist that I need therapy and that it was never dealt with. Anyone that responded to this thread, any abuse in your childhood?
