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So I'm still confused...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by pinkman, Feb 26, 2015.

  1. pinkman

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    I don't have feelings for girls. That I'm 100% sure of. I don't fantasize about kissing/having sex/cuddling with a girl unless I force myself to do so, and once I do, even if I have a negative reaction or a reaction that, for some people, would serve as proof that "oh, hey, you're not gay", my mind still goes "well you did fantasize about it..." and then it just kind of freaks me out, because... I don't want to be.

    I don't have anything against gay people at all! I support the LGBT+ community, but like... I don't want to be gay. You know? It's like... if I end up finding out that I'm gay, I'm going to have to fall in love with girls, and kiss them, and I don't want to! I want to fall in love with boys, and kiss them, marry them... you know.

    I don't know if the fact that I'm still questioning means that maybe I'm gay. :/ That maybe I'm just way too deep into the closet. I don't know what to think anymore, and it's killing me inside. :frowning2: it's making me sad.

    And lately I've become very irritable, especially with my (girl) friends. FIRST OFF, some of them have been ignoring me, and I've been drifting apart from them.. but some things they do or say just make me very angry, and I'm scared that maybe it means that DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEEP down inside, it's because I have feelings for them? I know that I don't! But... what if really deep inside me, I do? I don't want to.
    I'm scared as hell. I've been posting for like AGES in here, and no matter what, I still can't figure it out. :bang:

    whenever I feel fine, a few days later, or even HOURS later, the anxiety comes back and it sucks. It makes me feel really bad..
     
  2. SoulSearcher

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    Have you looked into HOCD? because the constant intrusive thoughts and anxiety that you describe are signs of obsessive compulsive thinking.
    I too have what you describe in the begginning but for guys. I have to force myself to think about it most of the time. I don't fantasize about kissing/having sex/cuddling with a guy unless I force myself to do so in order to test myself.
    On occasion i do have a random gay thought, which are 100% natural, straight people do have gay thoughts from time to time. But its a fleeting moment and they can accept that it was a thought and let it go. But in terms of questioning sexuality, i try to search back and observe my thoughts and i do come to the conclusion that i dont really have gay thoughts that much. Basically all my romantic thoughts are girls, and i have to really TRY to think about guys like that.
    Ill be like "okay well imagine this or that with a guy and etc etc."
    But in reality i want to have a relationship with a girl, and hold her, and marry her, and just be happy with them. But the Obsessive thoughts kick in and say " psh you could never really want that, youd get to that point, realize youre gay and hurt her, you wouldnt like kissing her, or touching her, or having sex with her you are lying to yourself" and so on. (my case is a bit worse than yours because of my porn usage and other effed up circumstances)
    But the point is that all my life my romantic thoughts have been about girls. But that isnt enough to convince yourself and the OCD latches onto it.

    The anxiety is what sounds like its attacking you. In my case my thoughts (on bad days) would be. "You just thought about it, it could happen, and you would like it just admit it. You want that to happen."
    Or if i see an attractive member of the same sex the thoughts would turn into, wow hes attractive do i want to kiss him? Would i have sex with him? Do i want that? Do i want him to hold me and love me and kiss me?
    The thoughts are intrusive and unwanted.
    Because years ago i would have just saw a good looking face and move on with my life.

    OCDLA did a few great articles about HOCD, which is just a subtype of OCD where the OCD manifests itself onto your insecurities. It is not like an actual Disease or something. Its more about how this type of OCD effects you.

    Gay OCD / HOCD / Sexual Orientation OCD - Part 1 | OCD Center of Los Angeles
    also there is a support group ( it doesnt look to professional though) HOCD | Support Groups

    Take all of this with a grain of salt, you dont have HOCD just because i suggested it. You have to look into it yourself and see if this sounds like something you are experiencing.

    You are not gay just because other people say you are, or just because some gay people in denial have similar experiences to how you feel now. Be mindful.
    If you want to talk im open.
     
  3. pinkman

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    What you described up there ^ is exactly what has been happening to me for the past 2 months, almost 3. Word by word. Only with girls instead of guys. It's so weird though, because though I'd never admit it out loud, I've seen porn too, gay porn, Like, guy on guy, and I love it. I mean, I find it pretty hot, I guess.

    Also, I have looked into HOCD! I looked it up a while ago, when it all started, and it was scary how ON-POINT that was. Because everything that I felt, and everything that I thought, was written right there! My thoughts had like... a name. For about 3 weeks I was convinced that what I had was HOCD, you know? Because it made sense! Also, I'd taken tests that said I had it, tests that said I had OCD... I later learned that you can't have HOCD unless you have been diagnosed with OCD first, and I have never been diagnosed. I've never been to talk to someone to see if I have it or not, And I'm scared that maybe that means that I'm gay. You know? Not having OCD, but still questioning.

    This is probably really confusing. It's like 1 am and I have no idea what I'm typing right now. But thank you so so much, SoulSearcher! It sucks that this is happening to us, it really does, but it feels kind of nice to know I'm not alone in this.
     
  4. medz

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    I'm going through some similar things, if you don't want the anxiety, just accept the thoughts and the feelings as they come and go, stop obsessing or checking about your feelings and/or thoughts. Your brain will latch on to this and the obsessions will never stop.
     
  5. Jax12

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    I think I said this before, but HOCD and anxiety are closely linked in that they both involve "what if", and if excessive, will result in compulsive actions.

    I do highly recommend you seeing a therapist or psychologist to get properly diagnosed.

    Right now I'm certain I have no feelings for guys, and I still don't, even though the mysterious attraction to guys with certain bodies is there (doesn't even matter what age at this point). I sort of imagine myself looking like them, with a successful and happy life.

    I've watched pro-gay videos and whatnot, and they seem happy. Thing is, it's hard to see myself with a guy not because I don't see it enough, but because deep inside I know that's not who I am.

    I don't know, can't help you much pinkman, but what I can tell you is that anxiety has the potential to make you believe things that aren't true, which leads to the HOCD part; making you believe everything that is false.


    Something you should ask yourself when you are calm and NOTHING is in your way:

    Who do you imagine your life with?
     
  6. medz

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    How did your doubting start?
     
  7. Jax12

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    When I broke up with a girl that I really liked. Holding hands, hanging out with her felt great. Got a boner too (quite embarrassing) I even had the urge to kiss her, but her true colors (as it were) started to show and I didn't really like her anymore. She started following me like a dog when I wanted to hang out with guys, and so I was pressured to do something like how all guys did with girls.

    Then I realize that for a while I had sexual thoughts about older guys, like teachers and whatnot, and so I thought "WHAT IF IM GAY". And ta da, here I am.

    Now I'm starting to experiment with older guys and see where it goes.
     
    #7 Jax12, Feb 27, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2015
  8. pinkman

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    As soon as I read that question, my mind instantly answered "a man". Like, it's my dreaaaammm to get married, and have like 93 kids, cats, dogs... All of this, with a man. I can not picture myself with a woman, and when I try, it just feels kind of wrong. I don't even know or understand why I'm doubting myself, but it just doesn't stop.

    I tried talking to my school psychologist, 'cause my parents believe that I'm exaggerating and do not need professional help whatsoever, but I freaked out and decided not to go. Saying it out loud for the first time... it makes me super nervous. Plus, I hate sounding selfish, and... I feel that if I go talk to her about what I'm feeling, I'm just going to come out sounding as someone who just thinks about herself and nothing else. (that's how my mom made me feel when I told her my anxiety had worsened)

    I should probably talk to a professional, see what's going on... I just need to work up the guts to do so.

    Jax12 seriously, thank you so, so much for everything. You're super helpful, trust me.(*hug*)
     
  9. Jax12

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    @Pinkman glad I could help. I can't imagine my life with a man either, and I don't mean to backlash at EC, but a lot of times, people will say "a lot of gay/bi individuals can't see themselves with the same gender in the beginning." This statement doesn't help me at all, it only serves to reinforce that I may be in denial when I know I'm not.

    But I don't blame them because the most common result to that statement is that they are in denial and didn't want to accept it. I've watched a lot of pro-gay videos and whatnot, and I don't feel like I'm missing out, really.

    From what I've read here at EC, denial is when your shoving your feelings aside and hoping that it'll pass. This isn't what I'm going through. I'm going through A HELL of confusion with a shit ton of anxiety, which is not the same as denial (obviously).