I live in a very accepting location and i know a lot of gay people. Coming out would not be an issue for me, and I'm scared of nothing. I've also never had sex, been in a relationship, or even kissed anyone (working on it). I remember, as a little kid, I was always kind of disappointed with boys. The ones I professed to having a crush on were always random, and usually pretty feminine. I never, ever felt an attraction to a guy, even in a cute little kid way. Nothing inside, nothing I revealed. As I got older, I started to become obsessed with women, celebrities, teachers, etc-always grown. I remember crying one time because there was this teacher at my school (I was probably 9 or 10) and I just wanted so bad to be a boy and be her age so I could marry her, as I knew she was straight. That was a bit odd, and since I never quite felt attracted to girls my own age I ignored it. Now I'm older and I still have never had a crush on a guy, but there are a lot of girls I just... stare at. Sometimes I don't even know them, I just am kind of drawn to them. I feel so jealous whenever I read about lesbians, or see a couple, and I don't know, I'm just sort of obsessed. I once sat behind a lesbian couple at a community event and had to bite my lip so I wouldn't cry, for no reason at all that I could discern (this from a girl who cries maybe twice a year). There are periods when I won't be able to think about anyone but a female celebrity, just her face or whatever. A crush, but i don't know since I don't think I've ever really had a crush, the attainable kind where you're embarrassed around them and all that. But whenever I imagine having sex, it's always with a man. If I close my eyes and imagine I'm kissing someone, it's never, ever a woman, unless I force it. It's sort of like I'm attracted to men but not any male. There are definitely guys I'm uncomfortable interacting with, but I always know them. But I don't know, because I don't think I've ever subjectively considered a guy handsome, but honestly I don't just don't know. And if it helps, I dress kind of like your stereotypical lesbian, no idea why. I like wearing blazers and button-down shirts much better than anything else, I'm sure plenty of people think I'm gay already. It's more comfortable. The thing is, what I think is my lesbianism might just be admiration. Maybe I just want to look like these women, or be like them. Honestly, the only thing I can think of that seems clear is that I want to be lesbian. I just don't know if I am. I don't quite care about labels, I just wish I had one with which to go about my daily life. I want to not think about this. I'd much rather just love someone and be done with it, but that's hard, so first I think I need to decide a path. I'm okay with changing that path, just it has to have a starting point. Please advise. Thanks so much.
Could it be possible that the jealously you feel towards same sex couples is that since they can be happy, why can't you be happy? Just a thought. A lot of times when I see a handsome dad (like he's got it all under control and looks attractive), I sort of envy who they are and wanted to wake up one day looking exactly like them, and living their life. Most of my attractions are to older men, so I guess you could say it's something that I want from them, and not necessarily a dating/marriage relationship with them. I'm still looking into this more, but could it be the same from you? All I know at the moment is that when I find a cute girl attractive, I'll act differently (even at a subconscious level) and my guy friends will notice. And speaking of guy friends, they were my main group of friends. We'd always talk about girls and whatnot and it would feel natural. I didn't feel out of place. How did you feel with your circle of friends? If all of this seems to overwhelming, you could speak to a therapist or psychologist where they can help you sort it out. I've been seeing one since October last year and it's been helping me improve other aspects of my life, and with that improvement, I'll be able to take a look at my feelings much easier.
