I'm a 18 year old male who has been questioning his sexuality for the past 4 years. The question is what am I? I can't figure out what's going on! Here's my story: When I was six and in kindergarten, I felt a not so serious romantic attraction to a girl. When I turned 8, I for some unknown reason got turned on by my female teacher. I started masturbating to girls and got to know porn, I was exclusively straight, I loved it. When I turned 14, I got turned on by a guy and started feeling like my straight attractions are starting to go away more and more. I cannot really masturbate to girls any more, I just don't know.. However some of them, I think, do turn me on, but that's difficult. I have to say I have watched A LOT of scenes, like, hundreds of them (Before my problem arose). I felt the urge to masturbate 6-10 times a day. I couldn't even watch straight porn and watched lesbian porn and/or random girls doing striptease on YouTube because I was extremely turned off by male genitalia and the guys. Also, Transsexual women that do porn, well, some of them that are REALLY feminine and even sound like cis girls seem to turn me on, but I don't want to do anything with their male genitalia. I'm talking about real hips and butts, with lingerie on and a REALLY feminine face. I have never had any relationships with either sex, with a guy nor a girl. How can I solve this "problem" / How can I find out the truth? Please help!
So you got turned on by one particular guy in real life but reject male genitilia in porn? And since the incident you at unable to masturbate to lesbian/straight? What if you didn't use porn to masturbate? And what exactly was that guy doing that turned you on?
Some of this is me. I used to be "turned on" by girls when I thought I was straight but they had to have some kind of undergarments on because boobs and vaginas disgusted me. I did at one time, think I was attracted to girls but I never felt very strong feelings for them. Eventually once I realized I was gay I had a crush on a guy that eclipsed any feelings I had ever thought I had had for girls and that's part of how I found out. In the beginning I had felt some desire for women, but as things went on a felt, like you, that my same sex attraction was increasing rapidly as my opposite sex attraction decreased. I used to masturbate to girls until about a year ago and now I can't because it grosses me out. You should really kick the porn habit. Hard, I know, I'm working on it myself. But really it just brings a lot of unneeded confusion and stress. Masturbation is much better without it once you learn how to have fantasies again. Your fantasies are an indication of where your attraction lies unlike porn. There's an admin on here named Chip who says "Just let your mind wander" and see what you think of. Hope this helps.
So what could it mean if I imagine having anal sex with a old guy (I'm the top) and when I'm just about to ejaculate I imagine a worker whom I find attractive and imagine ejaculating inside her? Just out of curiosity...
But I used to have VERY strong feelings for girls, I've been in love with women 3 times. Also before my problem, I used to get turned on by boobs and I even like the vagina, how it looked, etc, and wanted to fuck almost any girl/woman, even my head teacher who was a milf... seriously.
Well that sounds pretty straight to me. I would have to guess that you're just worrying for no reason in that case. From the evidence you presented, it's obvious that you like women but I believe your confusion is causing a lot of mental disruption and that's why you are unable to masturbate to women anymore.
My entire problem started when I no longer got a hard-on with girls doing striptease on YouTube. I got so panicked. Before that, I had to masturbate to women 5 times a day on average. I didn't understand what happened. Then I got an erection from a guy I just saw. Before that, I "accidentally" thought about what it would be like to have gay sex with two other guys I was not attracted to at all. I was just curious and started to fantasize, but then I stopped and didn't masturbate to that fantasy in the end. I started trying to watch every straight scene on the Internet, hoping I would get an erection. I didn't. I thought it was erectyle disfunction, but it turned out it wasn't. Probably the biggest problem is that I have never been in a relationship with anyone of either sex. I've come to the realization that I've also become tired of fake boobs and butt implants on those pornographic actresses in those scenes. Also my fantasies are disturbed. I don't have the slightest clue as to why this is, but ever since the problem arose, I've imagined chicks with.... penises. I don't fantasize about bottoming them, I just imagine them with male genitalia unwantedly. I haven't contacted any sexologists yet, I've only gotten to visit with a clinical psychologist and she turned out to be unable to help me. I haven't been diagnosed with anything in an official sense, but I strongly suspect myself to have been suffering from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) ever since.
I think you're one of those people where the porn you watch suddenly doesn't do anything to you, and so you're searching for something new... A better high, as it were. Porn is not good for us buddy, get out there and interact with others.
I agree. Porn is like a drug. It actually elicits a pleasure response in much the same way a drug would when you got high. Similarly, the more of the "substance" you consume, the more you build up an "immunity" to it. After a while, you'll have to use more and more of it or switch to something even harder. I believe you may have developed an immunity to certain types of porn in a sense. Either that, and or your anxiety is messing with your arousal mechanisms.
Do you think after all of this, the only thing that could shed some light on the truth is trying it with a girl, a serious relationship?
It might help you, but it also might not. Do you see yourself ever being married to a man? Being romantic, cuddling, holding hands with a guy? What about a girl? For me at least, I tend to over think my orientation a lot and I have a lot of confusion regarding it when I think about in terms of sex. If I look at it from more of an emotional sense, it's obvious that I could never see myself with a woman. Maybe if you think about it that way it will help.
Look at your past, that also helps too. And when you hold hands with a girl, how does it feel? Just simply being around her, how does that feel?
Well, I once flirted with a girl and I liked it. A lot. No, I don't see myself being married to a man. I see myself being married to a woman, not necessarily because the thought of being married to man disturbed me (that might be the case, though), but because I don't necessarily have to be attracted to a woman to marry her, have a "normal" (notice the quote marks --> no offense intended) family life, and I think I could create a spiritual bond between me and a woman. I don't want to hold hands with a guy, cuddle, that would feel very awkard (nothing wrong with gay though). With a girl/woman, more so! Usually I'm not around girls, but I wouldn't mind, I think, being around a attractive girl/attractive girls. I have noticed when attractive girls (that even a gay guy would call attractive or "pretty) look at me, I tend to smile so much... even brush a little bit. I definitely like it when they look at me. And for some, to me definitely unknown, reason, whenever I and my dad have some programme/ do stuff together, like father and son, I always check out the girls and not the guys. So for example, when we're in a shopping center or when even shopping for groceries.
Lots of interesting points there. So from what you provided, it seems like there are attractions to girls. You've been looking at girls for a while now, and it doesn't seem like you feel uncomfortable with that. Does it feel natural to you when you talk about girls with your friends/father? You haven't spoken much about your attractions to guys other than the fact that it does not turn you on. Mind going into that in more detail?
Yes, whenever I do that (talk about girls), I feel kind of good. When I became attracted to him, I lost all of my self-esteem. I began suffering from inferiority complex, I didn't even feel manly at all, I felt kind of girly. Although I wasn't diagnosed with it, it was very clear to me that I began suffering from it. In my head, it was always the picture of the girls I liked rejecting me and instead choosing him, because I thought him to be a lot bigger and more muscular than me. I kept suffering from this for a year. Then I started working out to raise my self-esteem, and when I began seeing results, my inferiority complex went away by itself. Whenever I feel like trying to pick up a girl (not just for sex), there is always this overwhelming fear of failure.. The fear that I'm not straight any more and that I would fail to get aroused etc...
