I may be lesbian?

Hey guys! I'm a girl, 15 and I'm here new and the reason why I'm here is because I need some help... I may be lesbian.. and here's my story.. :'(

I have a BFF that I've known for 6-7 months. We met at the beginning of the year in art class. I was her very first friend in high school. A few days after the first day of school, I decided to introduce myself. She's a freshman and I'm a sophomore. We were such great friends.. I mean, we texted every single day. Talked every single day. There wasn't onnne single day without seeing her. She would not go to a field trip and we would stay in class just to chat. She's the type of person that would cuddle with you. That would hold your arm if you were her bestest friend. And I was the only one that she would do that to...

Before she would ALWAYS tell me to over to her and hangout. She would sometimes cuddle. Hold my arm. Gave me at least 2 cheek kisses. Really listen to me. Understand me. She's such a sweetie. I just really, really care about her. I have a old BFF I've been with for YEARS, but she's unique in a way. I just love her little adorable face when she really smiles at me, stares at me and I love her giggles! She would be the best friend anyone could have. She would literally hangout with me, no matter what, for anything. I felt so special. I've never had a BFF like her. Last year, I was always alone in lunch. I never really had a friend to hang out with, but this girl really made me happy. She's so awesome.

So...

Without realizing it, I was watching TV around the beginning of December and boom...

I thought about her and my heart started beating quickly. I realized that I had feelings. Out of the blues. I gasped and went to my room to cry. I thought that it was wrong. I felt ashamed. I cried for so long...

So... I cried myself to sleep. After the winter break, a week later, I told her via texting, in the most mature way possible. She said that it wouldn't affect our friendship and she had a "girl crush", which I assumed that it's different. So, after that weekend, we didn't talk.. for 3-5 weeks. It was horrible. Just... horrible. She stopped acting like herself. I avoided eye contact. She started to hang out with another friend that I know, and that got me jealous and sad.. I felt like she didn't need me anymore. I felt so depressed and I didn't upload anything (I have a YouTube channel) for a month. I felt like physically hurting myself because I felt like I had hurt her. Hurt us. But then, there would be those little moments as if our friendship is back. But it wasn't. All I wanted was her back. She's my other half. I couldn't live without my other half...

So, I told two of my friends, one is bi (of course she understood) and the other, straight and they both supported me. I was so happy to have some help. I also told my cousin and he also supports me.. :')
One of my friends told me to give her time. So, I gave her two more weeks. Then.. something amazing happened.

Last week, on Wednesday, our art class had a test.. so she asked me if I had the study guide. I was surprised. Big time. I had no idea that she would start talking to me. We started testing each other, we made jokes, laughed and I was so happy. During lunch, I waited for her in the lunch line (I used to ALWAYS do this), for once.. I felt like I was able to come up to her easily. She had to go to the office for something and she told me to hold on to her lunch, but at the last moment, she told that she wanted to go with me and not alone.. I smiled on the inside..

So we continued walking. While we walked, we talked about where we used to hang out. It was up the stairs and I almost cried on the inside and I blurted out "We had such great times." Oh my god, I can't believe she mentioned that...

Waiting for her counselor outside of the room, we talked. About what has been happening with me and her life as well. Then we stared at each other for 3 seconds.. Not sure if that's something, but it could be a possibility. I held her lunch while she was talking to the counselor and at one point, she moved her head to see me out the door. She smiled and I sticked out my tongue. I waited. Of course I had to keep the cool. To bring back our friendship little by little.

After she was done, we walked back. We continued talking. Now, it was so much easier for me to talk to her. As if it was no problem. On the next day, we talked as well. During lunch, I waited for her at the line. We laughed. lol ^^
Then, we spotted a shopping cart and I joked how and why do people even bring carts to school. Then she was like "Oh my god, we should ride it! Like in movies! Let's tell the group!" And I agreed and both of our eyes lit up. I felt it.
And finally, on Friday, we talked as well. During class, but not as much as before lunch started. During lunch, it was the same, but I had to get her lunch and I got free lunch (she has to pay) because she had went to the bathroom. Funny thing is that I left her lunch where the group was inside and I went outside to go searching for her, but apparently, she was behind me with a confused face and I looked behind and I was like what the heck?! XD
Later, I told her that I would be giving her free lunch so that she won't need to pay. She appreciated it. So, I feel like this week was nice. Also, it felt like it was a coincidence.. I'm a Gemini and their lucky day is Wednesday and she's a Virgo and Virgo's lucky day is also Wednesday, so I felt like I was lucky somehow...

I'm giving myself another week to see how it goes. I'm not feeling like our friendship is back yet. I need to feel, within my heart, to truly tell if our friendship is back. But I'm so happy that we have been talking for three days. It's better than nothing.

And now I'm happy. But.. I may be lesbian...

Here are some hints:

- Last year, before I didn't know anything about LBGTs, I had a 10-second crush on my English teacher. Her legs were showing and I was like Daamn... O-O Oh my god... whyyyy did I DO THAT?! So, I was like.. Forget it!! X(
- I remember how I felt when I watched Alice in Wonderland.. When I was small. I felt like she was so pretty lol. *_*
- I've dated 2 guys but I don't think I really fell in love. I broke up with them.
- After breaking up with my second BF, a month later, my interest for guys completely went away. COMPLETELY. Out of the blues. Well, FIRST OF ALL, muscles/appearance in guys DON'T attract me at all! Personality might attract me... but as of now, I don't feel anything for guys anymore. It just vanished, completely! I was never sexually attracted to men in my whole life. Just personality-wise...
- ALSO, when my BFF touches me, or she held my arm, I get those kinds of chills... and it felt good but WEIRD! GAHHHHH... X(

Also, I'm not much of a girly-girl. I don't wear makeup. I don't like dresses... And my whole life, I barely had any dolls and only boy toys. Naturally, it was like that. My mom told me that I didn't really have any girl friends. There was this boy that I was friends with but I started to have girl friends later. I also looove sports and gaming. I'm basically a tomboy, not dressed as one, but as in personality. I love being "macho" in a way, like protecting others, being independent. Sometimes, I would act guyish with my guy friends. I act like a guy most of the time. But hey, of course I do have girl friends! I really feel like being a lesbian, or soft butch, it feels right for me. It really does.. I feel excited dating a girl. Protecting her and all. Loving her with all my heart.. I'm not interested for dating now, I'm planning to wait. But I feel like being lesbian is right for me. Like.. I was meant to be one but I never realized it. Being straight won't really work for me because I like to be the dominant one. I don't see myself with a man in the future... :/ I see myself with a girl that I can love with all my heart..

I don't feel happy with a man. It doesn't seem right to me...

Hey, I'm not one of those girls who acts like a guy entirely. In fact, I'm probably the sweetest person you'll meet. I'm super sweet, adorable (as some people would say XD), artistic and all. Lols.

Anyway, I'm giving myself a few more months to experiment. So I can determine my real orientation. And when I do, I'm planning to talk to my mom's cousin, who is a lesbian, so that she can help me out. She's the only LBGT member in my family. And maybe some day, I'll come out... and say out loud... "I am a lesbian.."

I don't want my family to treat me different. I'm still the same person! Well, I do feel happy. I feel happy that I might be lesbian. I don't know why but maybe I was meant to be one.. What do you guys think? I'm SO sorry for this LONG thread.. ;-; I'm so sorry.. :'(

But thanks for your help. ^^^^^

 

Awh.. thank you SO much! ^_^ That means a lot to me! ;-; If we were actually a couple, I would say that we would be the cutest thing ever. I'm not even lying. xD We both look alike.

And I get you. I don't want to date as of right now, but later on, possibly in 1 or 2 years, I want a really nice girl that I can love with all of my heart! ^.^ And about those feelings, I think it's actually an aroused feeling.. Sorry if that was weird. x( But they're like.. tingles and chills. If any girl holds me or anything I only get that. For some reason I never felt like this with anyone. It just happened for the first time when my BFF held my arm. o-o I was like........... Oh. My. God and I had to turn away and blush so badly.. But then, we both stared at each other for a few seconds and god... she's so pretty. *_* XD

And how can I tell? Hmm. Well, first of all, my BFF has only given me cheek kisses and she has only held me. But just me. Maybe that's just her with her BFF? I'm not very sure. :/ I wouldn't try inching a bit closer. xD Because I know that she likes her own space.. but yeah, 3 seconds is big!

Anyway, thank you soooo much for your reply! ^_^ I really appreciate it!

 

^_^ Thank you so much for those suggestions! Yeah, sometimes, I touch her shoulder when laughing but today wasn't much :/ I felt like I should move on... but apparently at the same time, I still have feelings. And also, believe me, I DO NOT have the guts to give her or anyone cheek kisses! I'm usually the target! Lool. XD I'll see what happens. I'll update soon. ^^

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2015 at 04:56 PM ----------

Yes, I could tell! That's also a possibility! Thank you so much for your awesome answer. ^_^ And I know! ;-; It is hard!

Thank you and I hope you can figure out who you are as well! You can do it!

 

Updates: Yesterday, she touched my arm in the line for lunch... *-* And later, with the group, we were playing a hand game and her hand was on top of mine... So soft and angelic... And we talked a lot! After lunch, in class, she was trying to put up a ponytail for me! I'll be posting more updates.

 

Update today!

So, today, in art class, we were graphic designing and she asked me for help. So, basically, I helped her out the whole time in class before lunch. We joked and everything and we sat on the same chair lool. My butt was like barely on the chair xD

And then, while doing her work (helping her out) she reached in and she had her lips puckered and literally gave me a small kiss on the cheek. It was really soft on the cheeks, but you couldn't reaally feel it. But oh my god... A CHEEK KISS... :icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf

Gahhh.... And the best part... After she broke the kiss apart, of course I turned at her and we both stared for like 2 seconds.. OHMYGOD SHE'S SO PRETTTTY WITH HER HAIR UP! :tears: o/////////o :icon_redf

During and after lunch, we had fun!

Oh my god, it was the perfect Friday.. sort of.. but gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... :icon_redf :icon_redf :icon_redf

 

True that.. How's it going? Read up for the updates. ^u^ And I know... However, I don't know if my BFF's straight since she has never been into a relationship. But maybe she is and maybe she isn't. I'll have to see..

^^

 

Thank you! ^_^ To be honest, it kind of is! But I would love to stare at her more often. :eusa_danc

Because her eyes are sooo beautiful. I.. jus.. just die... AHHH XD

 

What do you mean by sexual tension? The aroused feelings? If yes, kind of. Like... whenever she touches me, sometimes I feel it. But what do you mean by getting entrapped?

This is literally me:

 

Updates today!

Nothing much really happened but we did talk and make jokes. And also, when I was about to leave for lunch, she walked past me, holding my arm and sliding her hand on it and left the class. Oh my god, :tears: I loved that moment!

Hopefully tomorrow, it'll be my lucky day! (Gemini's lucky day is Wed!) I hooope so since she's sitting next to me! I'm hoping for a cheek kiss or at least holding my arm... It makes me feel so happy. ^u^

 

Thank you and I will, no worries.

 

Gah, I have some bad news. Since Tuesday (maybe?), she acted moody. Ignoring me now and she acted so differently. The same thing happened today. She's now hanging out with a guy friend who's a friend of my bi friend. They have been hanging out for a few weeks, but I don't care anymore. I realized that she isn't a true friend. She changed completely. It's like she's wearing a mask, hiding her true self. I don't have feelings for her anymore. It vanished because I gave up on her. It's all her fault.

But now, I'm hanging out with Faith (the bi-friend) and she's really sweet Her and Cristy support me all the way. I texted my cousin (who's a lesbian, ever since she came out at 13), yesterday, last night, and when I told her about everything, she knew that I was gay. All along. Unbelievable! Since I was 13, she already knew. She always known... I was shocked. She told me that I had this aura and her Gaydar just turned on. She definitely knew that I was gay.

Wow... I feel it in my genes... I guess I was born a gay, but never realized it...

But, don't worry. I've moved on. Honestly. I'm no longer jealous of my BFF's friends. I just completely forgot her. I have better friends who can support me. :')

So, this morning, I talked to Cristy and Faith about texting my cousin and they were like "Don't worry, you'll be okay." And we hugged. I almost cried because they're such amazing friends. I just.. wow. I have amazing friends... Cristy also recommended for me to come out to the group for now. I'm planning to, when I feel ready.

So yeah, a lot of things happened today! I'll move on completely, forget about my BFF and I'll try to find my girl in the future.