Not bisexual anymore? I don't want to be straight!

Hi... this will be a short post since my english is not very good and I know only an alarmingly small quantity of words for the level I want to aim for, which is C1(I just had to google a few things to write the last part of the sentence... :bang.

Anyway, here is my story. I have always been afraid of the term "straight" applying to me. I remember having a crush? on a girl from my kindergarten class. Since then, and until I was 13, I only felt attracted to girls randomly(some girl from other class at my elementary school, maybe some celebrity, one of which was androgynous), but nothing similar to the crushes I had on boys. God, I had like three crushes on boys a year. And I liked having them because it was like a game I played with my friends(who were all girls). It was thrilling when I walked close to the boy I liked at the moment and then I could cherish that feeling with my friends, telling them "oh my god, I am so in love" or "omg he stared at me!!". I guess every girl in here knows what I'm talking about?

Well, years passed. I liked girls,with less intensity than boys, but(of course) I couldn't tell my friends. They were and still are all straights. When I got in middle school, I met a girl and had a crush on her :icon_redf . And this means I became a total stalker, wrote letters to her and never delivered them, hoped I could be her girlfriend and make her feel beautiful and loved and protect her and all those things you want to do when you are 13 and have your first crush o a girl. It was wonderful. The year after that, I had another crush... on another girl. And it was even more intense. And then another. And months later I had another crush, this time on a girl who was a friend of mine. And that was the more intense I ever had, at least with females. In a determine moment, I had like 3 crushes together, all on girls. Buuuutttt, what happens? No sexual desire.

Yep. Since I romanticaly liked girls, when it came to imagine sex with one, I felt so uncomfrotable. In the middle, I came out to my best friend(and the whole school, accidentaly :rolle. I was totally convinced I was a bisexual. It felt so forced. I masturbated thinking about these girls, and another ones too(most celebrities from my age and waaaay more old), but it wasn't as pleasurable as when I masturbated thinking about boys. I ended up all sticky and unsatisfied, thinking "is this it? is this liking girls?". And then, the next morning, I would go to school, met the girl I liked and think "God, I definetely like girls and here is the proof".

I am 17 now. It hasn't changed. I don't have any crush at the moment. Last year I had one on a guy, but then I knew him better and saw his true colors... and decided that we were incompatible for a relationship. I met a girl who was actually a transguy and he became a friend of mine, and I understood I only felt attraction for cis people. And since I only enjoy masturbation thinking on guys... I have to assume I am straight? God, I don't want to be straight. It never felt the right word for me. Why can't I like girls in a sexual way?

My parents are another theme to discuss. I've got three. My biological parent, who has to be the most radical and conservative christian in the whole country. My biological mother, who wants to be more liberal, but when I told her a was bisexual she didn't understand it(like if it was something very complicated... :bang and told me that she thought you only had to choose one gender. My stepfather is not like my father, but he is a decided homophobe and lately it looks like he has confirmed it to himself more(though it probably has something to do with his own son acting in a feminine way and suggesting he's gay... god he's not a lucky man). I know that if I had a girlfriend, nobody else than my sister and my stephbroter(maybe), and of course my friends, would support me.

But again, I'm not sure if I could ever have a healthy relationship with a woman(sex is part of a healthy relationship, right?). That would be a relief, since I love my parents and I don't want them off of my life just because my sexual orentation. At the moment, I have never kissed or have sex with anyone at all. I guess I'm too shy... but I'm not sad with it. I am in a school in which students have to study A LOT, so I don't think a relationship would be a good thing now. Next week I start my senior year and I hope I have better grades than last year.

That pretty much sumes up my life and my problem. Since being straight would be a relief... I still want to cuddle and have a romantic relation with a woman. And I know I'm not straighy. But sometimes it feels like I am...

Thank you for reading. Actually, I thought it would cost me so much more to write something so complex in english, but it wasn't so hard after all. I used Google a couple of times... but not that much :icon_bigg (!) I guess I can pass the CAE this year after all!

-hispanicninja9

 

Well, first, thank you all for your replays (*hug*)

Biromantic sounds a lot easier than writing or saying "heteroerotic bisexual", wich is what I concluded from the research I made last night.

Ok, so I'll try it... :lol:

SootSprite: también suerte con tu español (!)