Hi all, around 6 months ago I really started to allow myself to think about my sexuality and ever since I feel like my thought process has been running in circles, I go from thinking I'm gay and thinking about coming out to being confused and not wanting to come out and its driving me crazy. I'm not sure if its driving me crazy because I'm so fixated on coming out/figuring out what my orientation is or a combination of denial and not being ready. So i'll try to be as clear as possible about my attractions and how I'm feeling, maybe some of you can simplify it out for me and guide me in the right direction. -I think I started developing attraction to guys when i was around 12/13 and it has grown ever since then (I'm 21 now) -I have only ever kissed a few girls and this was in my late teens, but this was always at parties and I never really felt anything, it was kind of always a thing everyone else was doing so I felt pressured that I should be doing. -When I was 15 I developed a crush for this guy at my school, I think it was my first real crush on a guy, but obviously I never showed signs I was interested because I didnt have clue why I had these feelings. -I've had small crushes on guys since, whether I knew them or not, but never as intense as the other one (but I think that may have put myself in a defensive mindset to deal with the feelings) - A few years ago I thought I liked one of my girl friends, but as time passed and I got to know her more as a person I think I just liked her as a good friend. -I seem to connect better with girls, i'm drawn to girls as friends compared to guys, even though I went to an all boys school. - I can spot out a beautiful girl but I don't think I feel a real sexual attraction, Whereas I do with a guy. I can see myself doing sexual things with guys but the thought with a girl does not appeal to me (I've only really exclusively watched gay porn since early/mid teens, could I have conditioned myself to only sexual be attracted to guys?) -I've been speaking to a few gay guys online though tumblr who have talked about their coming out process, I have small crushes on them(although they are attractive I think its also because of their personailties). but the way they talk about being in a relationship with a guy who loves them resonates with me. I know this is a lot of information haha, but make of it what you will and let me know your thoughts. thanks!
Hey, I think you're completely gay! And you haven't conditioned yourself to be attracted to guys... you watched gay porn because you liked it more. Try to come out to real people (not internet friends) and slowly expand the circle until you're able to say you're gay in front of new people!
To me it sounds like you are attracted to guys and not to girls. If you feel like you connect better with girls it might be because you don't resonate as well with other guys perhaps because they are straight or have a "straight image". If that's the case it makes sense that you feel a deeper friendship connection to straight girls (assuming the girls are into guys). I think that's why it's quite common for gay guys to have mainly female friends. They may also not feel the same pressure to be more "masculine" or come across as straight around girls which can feel more comfortable. Sometimes this connection can feel like romantic attraction when it in fact isn't.
I think I really do know i'm gay its just taken some time to get used to it and speaking to people online has definitely helped me feel more comfortable with it. I guess next time I get the urge to come out I should just run with it and take the leap
