Hello there here goes my story(long read), i hope there can be some insight on my situation. Im 27 year old guy that is confused about his orientation since 19. Before that i havent had a single doubt about the possibility being gay. I have only mastrubated to girls from the first time i found out about mastrubation.my prents divorced due my mother cheating on my dad. I havent seen my mother since because i didnt want to see her after what she did. I also had one relationschip with a girl wich was also the first girl i had sex with. This relationschip didnt last long because my girlfriend cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend She told me it had to do with my penis size and the fact that i had premature ejaculation. This made me very unsure of myself I didnt date any girls for a long time after that but was still attracted to them very much. Like when you see a nice girl and cannot wait to go home and mastrubate to her. I had plenty of oppurtunities to go on dates with girls but do to the lack of insecurity about myself as mentioned above i didnt. After that i had some one nightstands with girls but still had problems with ejaculating under a minute. At 19 i went with a bunch of guys to a holiday parc where we could chill and do drugs. I never tried cocaine but the rest of the group was using it for a long time. I didnt wanted to hang out with these guys all the time anymore because i didnt felt i fitted in with their drugs use.I only did xtc a couple times prior before. So back to the weekend. There one night while everyone was enjoyning themself with drugs i decided to do nothong. I went to store to get some food. And when i gkt back everyone was there in the room. One of the guys said to me that i looked strange and sayed out loud i used drugs. I sayed no what are you talking about. And he said well look at your face. Than the thought appeared that they must have thrown something in my drink while i was away. I couldnt be sure if this was the case. So i felt a really uncomfarteble being there. That night i decided to do xtc anyway and was sitting on the couch alone while the rest was joking arround thinking what happend while i was away. I didnt felt the possitive effects of the xtc but only a down feeling. Than one of the guys said something like is he gay or something for fun. I took it as a joke because i was the center of attention that day. The day after that we left the resort and i was feeling really down. I felt like i could not trust anyone of my friends anymore. Back at home i felt really depressed as if i had lost my friends and everyone hated me. That night i was in my bed depressed (maybe due to the comedown of xtc) overthinking the situation what could have happend. I could not tell if anyone put drugs in my drink or if they were just joking. Than the thought appeared where the guy said is he gay. A immense panick attack imerged with the thought "am i gay" i couldnt sleep al night. The following daya this thought kept returning and instarted searching on google why this thought kept coming back. I lost my self confidence and didnt see friends anymore. I felt isolated. I got social anxiety. This went up and down for 7 years. Still questioning my sexual orientation. Two years ago i started dating again. Had sex with girls and there was no more premature ejaculation. Only scared i didnt perform or my penis was to small. Still everyday dealing with the "am i gay thoughts" So i went to see a psychatrist and told my story and the main fear about being or becomming gay. Addiction has been diagnosed with me currently. I can recall this since ive been extremely addicted to gaming, smoking, using weed. My therapist told me that my thinking behaviour is due to addictive nature i have. At the moment i lost my job due some problems with depression. Also linked to the constant thoughts. When im with friends i feel extremely anxious with my mind telling me i would like to do gay things.I met a girl 2 months ago wich i love to spend allot of time with. Sex is great but i still get allot of thoughts. Its like my mind is trying to tell me something i wont accept. But i cannot see myself with another guy. I get temporary relief. And the thoughts start over. It feels that if i didnt went that weekend with friends at 19 nothing of this wouldnt happend to me. My question is this me not accepting what is going on or is it something else? Thank you in advandce
Hey Fubar12! Welcome to EC! =) To be fair, I can't say whether you are gay, but there's not much pointing in that direction in my opinion. You did say: "When im with friends i feel extremely anxious with my mind telling me i would like to do gay things." What exactly are those gay things? There's not much that actually indicates you are gay. You seem to be talking about girls only, so I actually don't get why you are confused (unless you left out details). Cheers, Quem
Hi Quem Its not like sexual thoughts, more like a nervous thoughts i never had before. Like im hiding something, i cant be myself when those thoughts keep flowing. Like my mind saying your gay, your gay etc.
Do you also know why you might think that? Because if there's nothing pointing in the direction (besides the thought), then it shouldn't bother that much. If you wonder whether it's true, I think you might have some reasons to motivate it (and to dismiss it, which you already posted). =)
Well its indeed only the thought. I dont and never had a physical response from a male. Its like when im depressed my thoughts are like you are gay. When im happy my thoughts are like your straight. I can say when a guy is good looking, only my mind is saying because you sinds you think hes good looking you must be gay! Apart from my therapist i never have talked about this. Threatment is still in progress but i have to wait. I want to discuss this with the girl im dating but i hope and really dont to lose her because! Any advise
Well, I don't know if you're gay or not, only you can say in the end. But if you made yourself more comfortable with the possibility that you might be then you might be less nervous. With me, I just told myself "Calm down. Do you really think it's so bad to be gay? No one really cares." You could just explore what you might like, and if you like to think about guys then that is totally fine, if you like to think about girls then that's fine too, or both.
I tried to do that but its like my mind is in always looking for negative thought to throw at me. What happens if i talk about to a close on about this.
Fubar12, i like you have had the same thoughts for 2 years now. It started with a panic attack and since then has become almost deabilitating anxiety at times. Mine was triggered by gay porn use although i never had sexual/emotional attraction to a man in real life. Since then its like i have no idea who i am, confidence is gone, not social, depressed. To me, nothing what you have said points to you being gay or even bi for that matter. I think a lot of us who do this obsessive like questioning have issues that run deeper than sexuality. I know i had a pretty screwed upbringing from which i suffered low self esteem and extreme anxiety to begin with. Theres a bunch of us in similar situations on here so your not alone. Id like to add one last thing though...as much as this forum and the people in it have helped me, it has become an obsession in itself to sign in for hours and read EVERYONES stories for some type of closure, do not do this. It doesn't work.
Just the opposite in a way, I was a gay guy pretending to be straight and having sex with men. So in a way, my negative feelings were I might be straight. In my mind, I was suppose to be straight, but was doing gay. So the confusion works both ways, Fubar12.
Thank you anomJB. I know what you are saying man. It brings tears to my eyes. Its feels like a "dont think off elephant" thought that will never leave me. I need to adress the core issue aswell. Something like the fear off loss. Im in therapy at the moment but since im unemplyed at the moment i have all the time to think about this all day. Therefor also searching allot on the web. I like the people here being very understanding. Thanknyou
I been unemployed since the panic attack and i'm laid up on bed rest because of serious surgery for a month and got 6 more to go. I know how you feel bud. It consumes your entire life. Hang in there man
I've also had these thoughts as well. It doesn't lead me anywhere. Yeah labels aren't that great, but it should at least represent a bit of who you are, and when it comes to am I gay, it doesn't feel right. I'm not interested in guys in a dating/romantic sense but sexual desires are there (older men ofc which is quite odd). It's interesting that you bring up the traumatic experiences from your past because I've also experienced traumatic events in my life and I wonder if it has anything to do with the confusion that we may have... My "Am I gay" thought started when I broke up with my first girlfriend last year. Since then, haven't stopped questioning.
