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Who even knows

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by heartsofdark, Mar 4, 2015.

  1. heartsofdark

    Regular Member

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    Like, I don't even really know who I am. 23 year old guy that is what? I look back as a kid and look for signs and the thing is, there is no clear narrative. I remember being 6 and looking for hours through my dad's copy of The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition and enjoying what I was seeing, even if I totally didn't understand it. I loved watching the show Sailor Moon around that age. Why? Because of the scenes were they transformed, you could see the outlines of their bodies, and I enjoyed seeing that, it was my favorite part of every episode. I remember watching The Little Mermaid and the part were Aerial gets transformed into a human and the flouder fish is covering her up, but she's naked. I remember thinking "She's naked, I like that, this is my favorite part of the movie"

    Yet I also remember being in preschool and always kissing this other boy on the lips. Later when I was like 9, I remember being in the car with a classmate and telling them I was gay. I didn't know what the word meant, but it seemed like it fit me.

    I went to Catholic school for the first 5 years of school and I think that instilled a lot of guilt in me about my lust and attractions. Especially my lusting and attraction toward women. Sometimes I will be sitting at a cafe and a beautiful woman sits next to me and in my head I think "TALK TO HER, SAY HI, DO SOMETHING." Yet I never do, even though I want to more than anything. Maybe I'm really just a coward.

    Porn, gotta talk about that. I remember finding my parents porn collection when I was 12. Shortly afterward our family got high speed internet, and I started looking at internet porn with great regularity. One day I clicked on something that I thought was lesbian porn, but it turned out to be gay porn photos, and I masturbated to it. From then on I would masturbate to either gay, straight, lesbian or trans porn. It seems it would go through cycles, were I would binge on one category until I got bored of it and found another.

    When I was a senior in high school I feel love with this girl. I know it was love, because you know it when you feel it. We went to different colleges and ended up breaking up, that whole story.

    My freshmen year of college one of my roommates was gay. We ended up becoming pretty good friends and I roomed with him my sophomore year as well. Around this time I started smoking a lot of weed as well, and when I was stoned I noticed I looked at gay porn more often. I was masturbating 3-4 times a day to porn. Then the next year, I quit for 60 days, no masturbating, no porn. It really cleared up my head and made not worry and feel so anxious about my sexuality. But I regressed back into the habit.

    My senior year I dealt with a wave of depression. I started taking anti-depressants and getting really drunk. Pretty sure I went and fooled around in a bathroom with a guy at a party but don't remember. At the same time, started getting blackout drunk and running into this girl I went to high school with (different one from the one I dated) and pretty sure stuff happened between us. Honestly all of that's over a year ago and try not to focus too much on blackout-ed college days.

    Then I started abusing adderall pretty badly. I was taking way more than I should and kinda lost my connection to reality. I went onto Facebook and came out as gay, even though I thought it is was more likely I was bi. But I didn't want to be one of those bi now, gay later guys. I wanted to show I had nothing to hide or be ashamed of for who I was. After I did it though, I just felt angry, I didn't feel any better. I stopped taking the adderall, and backed away from the issue.

    Saw a girl my last 6 months of college. She was really cool and it helped a lot. Moved to NYC after graduating and havent' had sex in almost a year. Almost did with this one girl, but then she backed out after we both naked:dry:

    I've decided to start seeing a LGBTQQ based therapist for this. I sometimes wonder if the truth is I am just afraid, to get close to anyone. Everytime I tell myself I am gay, I start doing & feeling things that make me think I am not. Maybe I just want attention and it feels like the only people checking me out are men. Maybe I am just lonely & horny. I think having a gay roommate for 2 years really opened my eyes up to sexual fluidity.

    I feel like if I am a bisexual man, then there is absolutely no one else out there like me. I've given up drinking, smoking & pot. Giving up porn and masturbation, working out 4 days a week and having an ultra healthy diet while learning guitar. I guess just trying to stay busy.

    I think a great deal of my general anxiety comes from the anxiety I feel towards my sexuality. Towards the anxiety that I might really be a bisexual man, in a culture were I'm told I don't exist and am just someone in denial. I've only experimented once, and that was when I was blackout drunk. Yet I am terrified of getting close to people in any way and it makes it difficult to put myself out there for anyone.

    I have no idea, but had to get this out, it's been bugging me for a while.
     
  2. Jax12

    Full Member

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    First off welcome to EC.

    Secondly, porn is a poor indicator to which sex you are attracted to. Everyone has their own reason for watching porn, but if it feels natural to you and you feel like it's true to what you like in reality, then porn shouldn't be too much of a problem. However it seems that porn is causing a lot of confusion, so kudos to you for keeping yourself busy other than the porn.

    You could also install a blocker on your computer to prevent yourself from looking up porn.

    Anxiety can also drive these thoughts that you may have. Anxiety will sometimes make you believe things that aren't true, yet that's all you can latch onto.

    I would be more concerned about who you hang out with and how you interact. For example, when I hang out with my guy friends, nothing wrong there. It feels natural to me, they are my friends and there's nothing more. However with girls, as soon as I hang out with a cute girl, hear her laugh, and get to know her personality, that's when I think of her as a potential girlfriend.

    Or you could be bi, that is also a possibility worthy to consider. Trying to figure all of this out is a struggle, so take it a day at a time. Know what is true to you, and see how all of these other attractions fall into place.
     
    #2 Jax12, Mar 4, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2015