Hi all... this is my first post here. Basicly, im 20, male, from England. Over christmas I realised im gay. I think it was seeing Adam Lambert doing the new years show from london which made me sure that I like guys I couldn't stop thinking about him for days... I just feel like there is so much BS to go through to "sort" this all out. luckily i live in a time and place where being gay is normal.... but I feel like im losing my masculinity... Before i reliased i was gay, i didnt see myself as really masculine or "manly" but I felt like i was growing into an adult... growing into a "man", a "father"... I felt like i was preparing myself for my future wife and children... And this wasn't a few months i felt like this.. it was a good 2 years or so at least I sort of put sexuality and relationships to the side. But now im gay... and the thing im REALLY struggling with is the fact that all the guys i seem to like, are dominant male types. Bad Boy types. Where as this whole time i saw myself as that.. So, now im thinking that my personality that ive built up through the last couple of years was all just BS. I was just mimicking guys i crushed on rather than being myself. When i look back through my life and what hobbies i had and how i spent my time... almost all of it was me doing whatever the "guy in my life" was doing. I just feel like my TRUE identity is not what i though it was a year ago. I use to feel like everything that im doing was my choice and i did it with people who were mates. Now i feel like i was more interested in doing whatever the guys wanted to do, just so i could hang out and be with them. # ugh i dunno...
I don't know why you think that liking something and being something are mutually exclusive. Why can't you be a bad boy who likes bad boys?
At 20 you're still just figuring out who you are. In many ways I'm still the same person I was at 20 and in many ways I'm totally different. Just because you're attracted to guys doesn't mean you can't be masculine or dominant or whatever. I would just go out in the world & continue being you. So what if you like guys? It's a small aspect of who you are. I didn't discover until my early 20s I was gay & I am quite masculine. The two don't need to be (and aren't) mutually exclusive.
I'm 50 and my personality continues to grow. I am a father. I'm also a horny teenager sometimes. And I'm caring mentor to my one fellow. And now a non-exclusive boyfriend to another. Trying to transition into a business owner. There are a whole list of things that make me up. Since July, I've been stripping away of nearly all my masks. I understand where you are coming from in terms of not feeling like you've been yourself. Closeted for 37 years. Married for 21 years, and I should have divorced probably 15 years ago. Lot's of issues that caused the whole charade that's been my life... I'm starting to recognize a lot of my personality, what makes me me. The things that people like and admire about me. The things that make me happy, laugh, bring joy to myself and others.
