I wish things could be clear for me. A few months ago I was diagnosed with anxiety, and maybe had a touch of mild depression. Over a few years I've sort of retreated into my shell and don't have much of a personal life going on despite being successful professionally. I decided to speak to a therapist and did make some progress. But then I finally released my biggest secret - that I was confused over my sexuality. I found that my therapist moved too fast and within a week or so I was telling my mother I was questioning. I even went on a rather unsuccessful date (from an online service). I've felt uncomfortable ever since and have retreated again, and stopped speaking to the therapist. I find that this confusion over my sexuality is the main reason I'm unhappy. I plan to move to another city to begin to experiment without worrying about judgement. It's just the case of finding a job and it's proving difficult. I worry I'll be stuck in this situation forever and I'm 25. It embarrasses me that a 14 year old can know she is definitely gay, but I cannot. I've argued to myself, who the hell spends this much time agonising whether they are gay - and I think the answer lies in that. I worry whether anyone will be a regular looking girl like me and how I would even make gay friends? Today I'm worrying because I'm meeting a nosy coworker later for a drink and I think he is on to me. I never seem to be able to say that I'm straight. I just want to take my time, but I feel like I'm going to burst. Don't know what to do.
Hey Bolt770, Just want to let you know that what you're feeling is completely normal for someone who is questioning their sexuality. It often makes people depressed and anxious and that's okay. Figuring things out is a process, it takes time but it will eventually end and you'll feel extremely relieved. Correct me if i'm wrong, but some days you feel confident that you are gay, you are happy and feel ready to embrace your new life and on others you feel different, sad and have trouble visualizing what this new life actually looks like and if it could even exist. With regards to telling people, like your coworker, you should say it if it comes naturally.. if not, don't force it. I also am not 100% confident in my sexuality, yet I can't seem to refrain from this urge to let everyone know that I'm gay. I totally can relate to your concern with making friends. Going to LGBT support groups just seems so unnatural to me. I would suggest going to a gay bar? Usually lesbians and bi girls know each other somehow (for the most part) so it only takes one friend to meet others. As for only figuring out your sexuality at 25, you most definitely should not feel embarrassed. There are plenty of people twice your age who are just starting to figure things out. Best of luck!
Anxiety and depression are normal for people in the closet. Unfortunately, sometimes we try to treat these symptoms without treating the real cause because it seems to painful to admit it. That's where I was, at least. I was in a pretty dark place last November, and then I found EC and started talking about being gay. Then I told my doctor, and told some friends. The curtain of darkness has been lifted a little bit with each experience of coming out. If I ever make it all the way, I may be overwhelmed with the sunlight, which burns away the darkness and disease.
First of all when other people come out doesn't matter-what matters is you and your coming out process,so people it takes years,don't rush it! Some people come out much later than 24 trust me! As for the depression and anxiety try to be social I know that is the last thing that you want to do but try! With the anxiety it can depend on what you are anxious about but you can get therapy JUST for anxiety or JUST for depression. If a therapist is ever to pushy either tell them that you don't want to talk about it anymore or look for a different therapist-there are a ton of options! I hope you get better!
If it helps, I found on-line dating to be unnerving, back in cis-land purgatory. If you've already got a lot on your mind, like me, you might find that on-line dating is just too intense, regardless of sexuality. I persevered with it for years, forcing myself to go on blind dates with various women, so that I might follow some stereotypical path in life that society expects of me. I took it way too seriously, but I think I've learnt my lesson. On-line dating is dead to me. That said, maybe some good came out of you pushing your boundaries? You went on a date, you didn't like it. You probably learnt something. You came out to your mum, that's one less thing on the to-do list. Why do you think that retreating to your shell is a bad thing? Maybe it's just what the doctor ordered? I've been/still am there. People, mostly family, have given me a tonne of shit about me being withdrawn / retreating into my shell / apparently being depressed and whatnot, and not appearing successful to them. I get extremely tired and frustrated with all their well-meaning advice, criticism, persuasion, as well as the more negative things like guilt-tripping, and general impression that my family are living vicariously through me, like "emotional vampires". If I don't appear successful according to their standards, then my family suffer somatic health problems from stress, which adds to the pressure on me. It's really toxic. And of course, I'm supposed to be grateful that they're still alive, because they're all just so humble. Good stuff. However, happiness seems to like getting chased. Change the game and make it come to you.
Yeah it sucks. Getting confused over your sexuality is not fun. I wouldn't date yet if I haven't concluded on which gender I'm attracted to. Since you are in the position to move out and be on your own, props to you on that. It's unfortunate that your therapist is going too fast for you. You need to develop a sense of trust with that therapist and if you can't from the start then you might need to look into someone else. I've also been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, it runs in the family. Told my parents I was questioning before I saw my therapist and I it seems that they are okay with me dating whoever I want. They're just new to the concept which is why they are uncomfortable with it.
I'm 25 years old also and have been questioning my sexuality for over 2 years now. I never worried about my orientation until a panic attack after viewing gay porn one day(something I've always done along with other genres) I've been dealing with extreme anxiety and depression since that day. I don't mean to hijack the thread but i'm curious as to if you always been attracted to females and knew it or kind of hit you out of nowhere? There's been times where i came close to telling someone i'm gay because of the extreme anxiety but after i calm down a little, i'm pretty relieved i didn't because i don't even know if its true. It's like id just be saying it as a just incase or some temporary relief. I've been attracted to females my entire life from how i recall it, so confusing. Sorry to rant!
Thank you for all the helpful replies! I think I get worried when I connect with people more - because then they ask me questions about my 'romantic life'. Really, I think too much and it gets me worked up! I think I need to accept that I'm fine the way I am just now and it's easy to brush these questions off. Sexuality isn't everything. I do need to move out though and things will become easier. Start small, then build up to addressing this issue. In the end I don't have to say anything to anyone, I can just 'be'. AnomJB - It didn't hit me out of nowhere. It has been a very gradual realisation. At school I was sometimes asked by friends to write a 'top 5' list of boys I thought were cute - I would always struggle with this and feel awkward. Whole girls around me would giggle over boys I felt uninterested, like in a bubble. I would scan over the guys analytically, trying to assess if they were hot haha. I could tell which ones I thought were handsome, but I was lacking any sort of emotion towards them. At the same time, I seemed to have no interest in girls either, though I never paid attention. Then I began to realise that I would listen to a lesbian singer (though had no crush on her) and was interested in tomoyish things and started to watch the Ellen sitcom and shipped women together in my favourite TV shows. This increasing feeling of unease began to follow me in the back of my mind and I knew, that I was different. At University I had a boyfriend for a short time and he made me feel so guilty. I was using him - finally someone had taken an interest in me. But I was not attracted to him and would feel a bit sick when kissing him (he was a bad kisser though! ). I also couldn't bring myself to have sex with him, making up excuses. I think this has been hard for me, because I'm not someone who often gets 'crushes' - I think I sometimes lack self awareness. The strongest I've felt is for a girl in a part time job I had - I felt over the moon around her, had to stop myself from teasing her and thought about her all the time. I've never really judged anything from porn, I can watch straight, gay, lesbian and get something from it. It's quite sad isn't it really, reading all this back I seem really quite gay. I think I'm scared of the judgement and adopting some sort of solid identity.
Thanks for the insight. I'm the complete opposite, i find myself attracted to females still but its like the anxiety and questioning clouds my mind to it a bit. As soon as i start getting intimate though its like "ok, i remember i like this now" All the depression and anxiety really numbs you out, its terrible. I think a temporary move is a really good idea for you. Maybe there you can find new confidence and closure to all this. Hope everything works out for you.
