Sad Relationship with guys (LONG)(HOCDorBI)

WARNING: THIS IS LONG AND BORING
Meanwhile my battle between HOCD or BI/gay is going strong...
I have stopped masturbation and porn use.

I remember my relationship with guys from childhood.
I had no problem having guy friends in elementary school. In fact my neighbor was my best friend and we did everything together.
But as soon as they got older they cast me out.
Because i was "weird". I was raised catholic and was a mommas boy and didnt have most qualities that other guys had. I wasnt really good at sports and other stuff, i liked to draw. And i had a hearing disability so i wore hearing aids in both ears, thats why i always felt different.
I was very prude and my mother always enforced that anything sexual was innapropriate. So when other guys started talking dirty i got uncomfortable and felt like they were doing something wrong. So maybe that is why they pushed me away furthur.
I liked girls in elementary school and had like 3 really important crushes that never liked me back. What is important is that i felt the butterflies with them and i loved to make them laugh and i liked when they touched me.
I was chubby throughout the end of elementary and middle school and had low self esteem. I remember being in the pool with my neighbor one time and seeing how skinny he was compared to me. It made me feel so bad. In middle school i compared myself to guys all the time. I didnt even go through puberty as fast as they were going, so everyone was changing except for me. I looked at them in the locker room and noticed all the things i didnt have. (of course hocd would latch onto that thought and make me thing i was looking because i was actually gay, which kills me because what if its right). If i was gay youd think being in the locker room with half naked men would make me happy inside. But it was the opposite, i hated being there. I wanted to get in and out as soon as possible. I waited until the last moment to change my shirt and pants and did it was fast as possible. I didnt want to be seen. I never went to pool parties. They made us swim in highschool and it was honestly so bad. I was surrounded by guys who were everything i wanted to be, and it took alot to make it look like i didnt care and seem liek i didnt actually hate myself. But anyway, in the past I made friends with girls way easier because they weren't mean to me. So my interaction with guys was limited. I remember getting so anxious around other guys because i didnt know how to act. I was so afraid of saying something dumb or "gay" or not being liked. All i wanted was to be apart of the group that basically shut me out. I remember crying to my mother one time about how i didnt know what to say if some guy said "hey whats up?". Which sounds strange but it was true. I mean i knew in my head that you would say the appropriate thing back but i was just so scared.
Later on the only guy friends i had were if they were "nerdy" and they were already friends with my girl friends. My safety net was that if i was better looking than them or better than them on really any level it was less scary interacting and being friends with them. So of course when a "popular" guy that was more of a man than i was talked to me or was better than me i did not know how to act.
Introduce my porn usage
At first i researched everything i needed to know about puberty through an online forum and asked questions. I couldnt talk to anyone about it in real life (my older brother was worse than me with anything sexual and nudity).
I wanted to talk to a friend about it though, but the only guy friends that would talk about it was two guys that were open enough to be nice with me. One of them was gay, and i felt like i got manipulated a bit into revealing things. I never physically did anything with a guy ever, but i was open minded enough to realize that its okay to be curious. Anything that had to do with nudity got me aroused basically.
My first boner was to a woman. I remember being excited about looking at the stupid Coppertone girl on the sunscreen, the fact that her bathing suit was being pulled down.
I remember as a young child i tried to sneak a peak to look at my female cousin showering but couldnt see anything. But this also applied to men i guess. Because i read stories about mastubating. Guys would write about their experience. This got me excited because i knew exactly what it felt like. If i could relate to it , it helped me get rid of sexual energy. Sexual energy was a chore that i had to deal with, and i wasnt about to become one of those gross guys who were "innapropriate" about womens bodies. I didnt look up photos of naked women, but im sure back then i would have gotten aroused.
I knew for a fact that when i didnt have stimulation, i was focusing on my own pleasure. I didnt think of a women or men, it was purely selfish. I was depressed. Had body image issues. Felt inferior to other men. Held their body as an unattainable image that i wish i would be. All my friends who were girls idolized them. a quick release of dopamine was my self medication.
So later when my porn use escalated into more gay realms. It was guys doing it by themselves, so i could match up with it. I read some stories one time about guys doing it together when they were young and experimenting. I thought that this was normal that everyone did and they described it as bonding. I thought that i was pretty open minded individual, and i honestly believed that it was something that i wanted to do. I dont know why because now i really dont want that at all. But back then i thought i did, i guess that was the only way i was going to Bond with other guys, through something sexual. That sounds stupid and hard to believe but honestly though thats what i thought. Like when my friends asked me one time i told them that i would participate in mutual, because it was a form of male bonding. And that was as far as my porn usage went up to really. I never liked men kissing or men doing anal, or oral. It didnt interest me. Still doesnt today (unless when i have anxiety and i try and find out if it does and it doesnt get me anywhere).
People on EC have said who do you look at when your in public? And my answer was guys mostly. I walk into a room and compare myself to every guy in there. They are handsome, i wish i looked like that. They are skinny/built lucky. Or if they were chubby, i would stare and figure out if they were more or less chubby than me. Sometimes i get a random erection, even if they arent good looking. THey could be unattractive but if skin somehow shows then i get scared and anxious, then sometimes i get aroused, then it goes away in a minute.
Which confuses me because i wonder WHY did my body react that way? THey arent good looking, i dont want to have sex with them. Or do i??? ( now im thinking its because of porn).
For women on the other hand i do find them beautiful and attractive, ive told my girl friends this one girl i find hot. She sat on my knee one time and i liked it, i liked hugging her. I didnt get an instant boner. But i liked it, she was attractive.

But all this other evidence is just a massive FEED for obsessive and intrusive thoughts. I dont know what i feel at all anymore, what is real and what isnt. So when i had my first panic attack over this ( ive had a history for anxiety before this). It hit me like a train.
We have a 18 year old virgin, never kissed anyone, never done anything sexual with anyone before, insecure and a pushover, with depression, body dysmorphia , who made a habit of jerking over things i cant believe that i did now.
Now i know im not in the worst position because there are guys who have done ALOT of gay acts in real life when they were kids and actually are straight. But this doesnt help me.
The thoughts are intrusive, now im hesistant to be around my one gay friend. Everytime i see a good looking guy i question, wait why did i look at him? Hes attractive do i want to have sex with him? Does this mean im gay, would he think i was gay? Before i could see an attractive guy and just be jealous and admire him. Even if the guy isnt necessarily attractive, but a stranger, i still get nervous. Am i mistaking that for attraction? Are you supposed to be scared when feeling attraction?
All i know is
I never had romantic thoughts for guys before my first h ocd panic attack.
I've had romantic thoughts for girls pretty much all my life.
I never thought of anything sexual with a guy more than mutual masturbation before my panic attack.
I didnt let myself think of girls because it was dirty and wrong, and surpressed any thought i probably did have for them because they were my friends and you shouldnt think of them that way.
After my panic attack, hocd literally took hold because of my obvious evidence. It became a constant what if im gay, what if im bi, i have to be gay look at all this stuff ive done. etc etc. I used to test myself with graphic images, but i felt more blood flow and arousal with guess what images.( i would say 80% of the time when i was testing i got slight arousal, i dont get a full erection)
I tried watching full on anal with men for the first time AFTER my freak out, i did find it gross because honeslty i would never want an experience like that it makes me uncomfortable... But i still got slight arousal (porn habit and axiety induced? or gay/bi ness showing). What even is true arousal?
I've cried myself to sleep multiple nights because i never got to kiss a girl, or have a girlfriend. Ill never have a crush like i did back in elementary school. If i ever get to have sex with a girl my mind tells me you wont get hard dont even bother. All this is done is made me sad.
But ive read alot about HOCD and looked at support groups and while i cannot afford therapy. I have read other peoples experiences and tips. The quitting masturbation and porn for as long as possible while i let myself reboot as they call it. I dont want to put a label on myself right now because ill reboot and see where i am in a couple of months. Which is going to be hard. Im not afraid of being gay, because honestly my family would still love me (except my dad and im a constantly afraid of disspointing him my entire life). But i would survive and thrive just like gay people do because they are normal. I just cant accept that i dont want to fall in love with a girl when thats what ive always thought i wanted (or do i?). I have tried countlessly to tell myself im gay but it doesnt stick. Im calmer now, i still get intrusive thoughts, but im learning breathing techniques to control anxiety. On better days when im more confident i have less intrusive thoughts, and sex with a girl sounds exciting and loving her sounds amazing. But then they can get a spike really quickly. All im saying is that do people that question go through this? Is this all just denial? Can i be Bi and not want a relationship with a man, or sex really? I dont want to experiment just to experiment, that would hurt other people girl or guy. Im not about to randomly hook up with a guy or a girl.., i want true love. Im doing okay now, its just what ive been going through this past month and i needed to get this off my chest. Of course OCD would attack when im stressed and have no friends that could support me that i could actually confide in. (they all went of to college out of state)