Right now I really wish that I was straight I must say that I'm not against homosexuality in any way as I know it is natural and all that jazz but I can't help the fact that I really want to be straight right now. I feel very isolated at the moment in college as there are no LGBT people or groups (that I know of, I have tried to look but I've had no luck) and I feel like the odd one out. A lot of my friends are in relationships and I really want a girlfriend or just someone of like mind to talk to who understands what I'm going through. I have had guys flirting with me and stuff (which is okay as it's mostly banter) but when I did go out with a guy everything felt wrong and I had quite a lot of panic attacks (I would feel extremely dizzy/stressed and physically sick every time I thought about being in a relationship with the guy, there were points where I found it hard to breathe and this terrified me as this is unusual behaviour for me because I don't get panic attacks often). When I split up with him, I felt so relieved and better but absolutely exhausted. Every time I've been with a guy this has happened. I get very annoyed with myself as I feel like I'm just being awkward and I wish things were just... more simple! However I know deep inside things will get better later on in life when I've left school/college. However right now I feel angry at people in college. I have to state that I rarely get into arguments or fights as that's not how my friendship group or I roll. But I feel disappointed with my 'friends' as they openly use homophobic slurs such as f:***:t ect, ect.. and basically just take the piss. For instance one of them said 'Oh I like feminine lesbians but butch lesbians and gays are *Insert extremely homophobic comment here*' I'm now starting to feel more and more uncomfortable and angry with them, however I don't want to take it out as I feel it will just create more fuss and damage for me. Most of the group know I'm lesbian because I thought they were people that I could trust. They don't directly insult me about it (when I came out to them they were just like 'oh cool story bro, what you doing next week?') but they don't seem to care when they are homophobic and how it might affect me and others. I feel stupid now for telling them but I thought they were legit people... A friend and I have started to distance from them because we find them distasteful. I wish I was straight so I don't have to put up with this s:***:. Life would be much more simpler. Sorry for the long message, I needed to get it out.
It alright, everyone needs to vent sometimes. One thing you might have noticed was that a lot of that had to do with other people, yet you still blamed yourself? You shouldn't blame yourself for other peoples faults.
