still confused

First of it is a huge text. just so you know.

I've decided to make a new thread about how I feel as I feel the last one wasn't clear enough and I'm still confused. So here it goes.

Bassically for me the questioning and general confusing started about 6-7 months now. When I had listened to an hypno file for funsies that suggested that I would sstop liking and girls and instead like guys. Then when the next day I saw a guy walking by while in the car I thought to myself "He look handsome" and it freaked out badly and I couldn't let it go anymore ever since.

At first my fears focused on the hypnosis having had an stronger effect on me then I had thought was posible. So I used hypno files that claimed to remove hypnotic suggestion from other files. It did not help much I kept having doubts. and this lasted for a couple of weeks.

Then the next couple of months my fears focused on being gay and at first I honestly felt so bad I thought my whole life had been a lie. Although I was still pretty damned sure at the back of my mind that I was straight. My days consisted mostly of arguing within my own had wether I was gay or straight and every now and every now and then if maybe I was bisexual though defanitley not as strongly as gay vs straight. Besides that I would also often go onto google looking for proof of defanitley being gay or straight. there were days where I'd at a moment I'd go. Ypu! now I'm sure I'm gay and then a couple of minutes later start doubting myself again and the same way when thinking I'm sure I'm sthraight. I even had myself completly convinced for a couple of days that I was defanitley gay and then went to an circus show and found myself to be so much attracted to an woman artist there. That I was just waiting for the moments I could see her beauty again and so I let the being gay go again. I've even had a moment where I first the first time in my life dared toi flirt with a girl who I thought might like me and when I did I felt so happy talking with her and was so arroused down there.

Then after those couple of months I seemingly changed my mind again and I was doubting wether I was gender with an sexual orientation towards men or liked being a guy with an attraction towards women. Yet being seemingly obsessed with it and scouring the internet for proof either way. even trying some sexual acts hoping that would point me in one direction or the other. It didn't. This also lasted a couple of months.

Then I tried a treatement method against hocd. which pretty much consisted of looking at pictures of beautifall guys and saying to yourself how much you like them sexually and looking at pictures of beautifall girls in between and with the pics of the women thinking to yourself that you don't like them at all and are absolutley not interested in them. It semingly worked as after a while of doing that I had no doubts or worriest at all anymore for weeks and was solely interested in hot girls. It was also the only weeks in the klast couple of months where I've felt no anxiety or stress what so ever.

Then those weeks ended and I went back to doubting if I was a trans who liked guys or perfectly fine with being a guy who liked girls. The doubts where causing me so much anxiety it started giving me a head ache. Which did not make things more bearable. Eventually I started to feel so sure that I was a trans with a liking towards guys that I decided to go for it. I had let my hair grow long put on womens clothing and went through an entire night like that doing "trans" things. Being completly open for it. At the end of the night I concluded that it didn't make me feel anything at all and poof the thoughts of being trans disapeared like snow before the sun. Since that night I have never again had any doubts about maybe being trans with a lkiking to men. I knew I didn't. Yet that also makes it very hard to know what I truly do want as before that night it did really feel to may like I wanted to be a woman who got togheter with guys so incredibly much. Yet it turned out I didn't.

and so we come to these last couple of months where my doubts have yet again refocused to gay vs straight. In general I do get a gay thought shot into my head every once in a while however what I've noticed is that it doesn't rewally escalate to much more unless I try to argue against it. If I agree with the thought it will just pass on and I can focus on other things within ecxperiencing any stress what so ever. As soon as I argue within my head with the thought or disagree with it in anyway I'll start feeling anxious up to the point of an headache if I don't stop myself in time and ones I start going it is really hard to stop myself.

Before these last couple of months I've always know for sure I was sthraight. no doubt about it what so ever. It never felt wrong either. I've had crushes on girls in middle school. Up to the point where I would get extremly excited if a girl would do something that could be seen as sexy in the slightest waydown there. I even had a major crush on a girl in high school as I had been in a class with her once and I per chance met her one day as I went to study in a different direction. I liked seeing her so much that I went back to the location hoping to see her there again. I was really dissapointed she wasn't there and for the next couple of days I could not get her out of my mind and the thought of going out and having a relationship with that girls made me so happy.

Besides that I've had a couple of sexual fantasies of being turned into a girl with my mind completly wiped and not remembering anything but being this girl for my entire life. The idea of being some one completly different from who I was without knowing about it turned me on so much.


I've also had one moment where I showed my private part to another guy when I was around 12. because he was constantly asking me to show it to each other that I just did it to get him out of my hair and I did as far as I'm aware of it never give it a seccond thought. The seccond moment was during the Tour de France where I saw a closeup of a guys but in a bikers jean on his bicycle and I thought well that looks nice lets jack off to it and I did. Never gave it a seccond thought again nor did I freak out over it. Ever since I've never felt the urge to do anything with guys at all anymore.

First off thank you for reading all the way through if you did.

what do you all think? your input would be much apreciated.

 

Could still really use any insight or advice any of you can give me. As of the last week I also seem to have lost all my sexual attraction to either sex which does not make it any easier to figure things out.