Okay here it goes. I've been questioning myself ever since I did many sexual things with my friend of 5 years when we were younger. He was the one always giving to me and he came out as gay last year, to everyone. He told me about a year before. One time, after I knew he was gay, he slept at my house and things went a little bit further than usual. He had admitted he liked me several months before and that he had strong feelings for me, but that didn't stop what happened. I felt really bad after, for him, but also angry because I felt like these feelings were his fault. I often didn't speak to him for weeks on end because of the anger I held towards him, which must have crushed him thinking about it now. The thing is, I don't even know what I am. I do not identify as gay or bi. When people ask I say I am straight because I am scared of telling people what I could be, but also because I don't know myself. When I am horny, I don't mind the idea of doing things with guys or girls, but when the deed is done, the feeling for guys vanishes completely while the idea of girls stays. I had a huge heart to heart with my gay friend the other night, in which I finally confessed all of these feelings. He said that he'd be there for me as I tried and failed to be there for him. I explained my situation and admitted he wasn't really surprised, even saying that I'd "been lying to myself" for ages and that he had known for ages. (which I suppose he has a point saying we did things together) The thing is, I don't know what to identify as. I don't see myself as Bi, because the feelings only come when I'm horny. But obviously that doesn't make me fully straight either. The school I go to is really accepting, (my friend experience a grand total of no problems when he came out), but my father is rather conservative and traditional. I'd just like someone to help me identify what I am. I have looked on many websites and found no word describing or summing me up. I know that labels don't need to exist, but I'd feel better if I could identify myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I hooked up with a girl a few times, who, like you, doesn't mind being with guys or girls sexually but has no feelings towards girls whatsoever. I think sexuality is very diverse and goes way beyond just gay, bi or straight. For that reason, I don't think you should feel the need to classify yourself as anything. I get that you may want a label for clarification for both you and others but unfortunately there may not be one that you can confidently say fits you. Having said that, I think you should continue to do what makes you happy and just do whatever feels right in the moment. If your feelings for guys get stronger in the future, then I would maybe suggest that you rethink your straight label. For now though, just go with it
I think you need to look at this on a deeper level and figure out why you feel like this instead of trying to find a label for it (which I don't even think exists). Do you really only like guys when you're horny or is it just easier to acknowledge the attraction when you're horny because then you're more in touch with your sexuality? I'm gay but since I'm still in the process of accepting myself and getting used to the idea of me being gay I still sometimes feel confused and think that I might like guys because in some moments I don't feel any attraction to girls (not to guys either for that matter). I have come to realize that it has much to do with shame and it's not like my attraction to girls just goes away for a bit and then returns even if it shallowly feels that way. It has everything to do with me adjusting to the fact that I am gay. Maybe you're unconsciously dealing with something similar?
