Hi! So I'm a 24 yr old female and in the last year I've really started to question my sexuality to the point that I don't know what I am anymore. Once upon a time I was sure I was straight. Not anymore. I grew up in a really religious background and even considering that I might be different wasn't an option. But I've never been like other girls. I've always been a little bit tomboy. I joined the Army partly to get away from the close-mindedness of it all. When I got to my first duty station I got a girl who was my complete opposite as a roommate. She was beautiful, outgoing, covered in tattoos, a smoker, and completely out of the closet. It seemed like it was her goal in life to get me out of my barracks room. She literally dragged me everywhere with her. Good times. Months passed like that and we became the best of friends. I don't know when I fell for her but I didn't realize it until she found this boy she really liked and it seemed like she would ditch me for him. After a week stay in the hospital for suicidal ideation ( i was depressed and had a lot of stress at my job and many of my friends in the unit were in the process of leaving including her. I left with a diagnosis of social phobia) I felt compelled to tell her. I guess the logical part of me knew it wouldn't work but I couldn't stop myself. She'd already told me that she believed she and her ex finance were soulmates and they would get back together again. But I guess I was sick of holding it all in. Needless to say it didn't work at all. I ended up losing her as a friend altogether. She slowly but surely cut me off. I'm still getting over it. It's been 4 months and I still think about her. I've never been attracted to another person as strongly as I was attracted to her. The thing is since her I haven't been really interested in guys. I've always found them attractive and I still do but I've never been that interested in sex with them. What they have between their legs is not attractive at all. I've only been in one relationship It was with a guy. It lasted one week and it was the only time I've had sex. I didn't really want to but I also was sick of being a virgin too. So I let it happen and it was awkward, painful, and all I did the entire time was count the seconds until it was over because I was bored. I catch myself checking out girls now when I don't think I did before or maybe I did and just didn't notice. I still check out guys too. I've watched lesbian porn and found that I get turned on by it. And when I have a fantasy in my dreams lately it's always a girl. I love shows like The L Word, Xena, and Buffy. I find that I watch shows much more for the female leads than the males. I'm even thinking about my childhood and I can't remember having too many crushes on boys. Maybe a couple. Most of what I remember are girls that I desperately wanted to be friends with and now I'm wondering if maybe it was more than that. I guess I'm just not sure if I'm bisexual or lesbian, or just bi curious, or if I was just gay for her. I swear sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual because I fall for people's personalities most of the time and sex doesn't interest me much. Sometimes the thought of it grosses me out. I don't want to fall into the trap of labeling myself but I feel like a label would ease some of my anxiety and I'd have a retort for when my mother tells me that it's just a phase. The only person I've talked to in any depth about this is my best friend and while she's supportive and doesn't judge me I also don't think that she has any advice to give me. Thanks for listening to my crazy story and any comments or advice you can give would be greatly appreciated because I constantly thinking about this.
Hey beautiful mess, welcome to EC! Do you have any interest on guys? Correct me if i'm wrong, but you dont seem to have interest on them, so the label bisexual doesn't really define you. Or i'm missing something? If you are lesbian or asexual, it depends, do you fantasize about women (or men)? Do you think you could enjoy sex with a woman, do you feel any desire for women? If yes, then this may indicate that you aren't asexual, as you do have sexual desires. Remember, you don't need to label yourself, or you could label yourself by just saying "i like women", instead of using a restricting word. Hugs (*hug*)
Have you considered going to therapy to help resolve some of these issues? I've found it to be very helpful to have someone non-judgemental, and professional to talk with about all these kinds of issues. From your post, I would say you lean very heavily to being a lesbian.
I have had interest in guys before . I'd had a crush on the guy I was in a relationship for a year. But I guess it doesn't really compare. The only guy I was ever really into was my best friend from years ago. I do have sexual desires and most of the time lately it's been for women. It's just I could really take it or leave it. Yeah I do go to therapy. It's kinda mandated that I go now but I don't really talk about any of this. It's helpful but it's more about managing stress and my mood. We don't really talk about my orientation.
I would suggest you bring this up in there as well. Questioning your orientation is certainly adding to your stress and effecting your mood...
I've brought it up a few times with my counselor but she normally tells me I should stop worrying about labeling myself and just be myself. It's good advice I guess but it doesn't help when I'm trying to figure out my preference just so I can do something as simple as go on a date with someone.
I think you should tell her that it isn't so much about the label as it is about just expressing yourself to someone who will not judge you. Talking openly about how you feel day to day not only relieves pressure but can be quite liberating. Figuring out your sexuality is extremely confusing and I personally think the best thing to do is talk.
You don't have to be 100% sure just to go date someone. That's the whole reason behind dating, to see if you are compatible. Just be honest with who ever you date. You are questioning, mostly it seems you are questioning if you are bisexual or lesbian. So, whoever you date, you just state that. Some people may be put off by that, but others will understand and help you embrace who you are. Being yourself is tough when you've worn masks all your life, and aren't sure if what you feel is really who you are, or just some nagging curiosity.
