Hi there, I’m currently questioning my sexuality for the billionth time, so I decided to make a thread about it here in the hopes that it would help me gain some clarity. So, I’m in a (currently long-distance) relationship with my boyfriend, who I’ve been together with since high school. We’ve talked about breaking up and at this point i think that's the right thing to do, but it feels like that’s something we have to talk about in person so basically right now I’m just waiting for the next time I visit him (which will be in a month) so that we can actually have this conversation properly and eventually maybe move on with our lives... The thing is, although in some ways we have a great relationship, I don’t think I’ve ever really felt the same way about him that he feels about me. I do sometimes enjoy sex, but rarely feel like it unless he initiates it and kissing him doesn't really feel like much. Though of course this could just be a personal chemistry thing unrelated to my sexuality, who knows. Already before I met my boyfriend I thought that I might be more into girls, but I never felt quite sure about it, and it somehow didn’t feel real, and actually still doesn’t. Like I’m just worried that I’m making it all up… Maybe it’s just because I’ve never really talked about it much (although my boyfriend is aware of my interest in girls and is always jokingly commenting on how all the tv shows I watch have lesbians in them…) and I don’t actually have any kind of experience so I have to just rely on my feelings. I also have some anxiety and stuff which sometimes messes with my feelings a lot. I don't feel attracted to people very often I think. In fact, I'm not sure if I even know what that means sometimes. I’ll appreciate people’s looks, and I’ll notice girls more often, but I don't really feel any kind of attraction. I think I’ve had something that would constitute a crush on a couple of girls though, first time was when I was like 14 and I had pretty strong feelings for her as far as I can remember. There's also this girl at uni that I'm kind of crushing on right now, and I also tend to get obsessed with certain female celebrities who I find really attractive. In primary school I kind of had a crush on a guy though and I do find some guys attractive. I occasionally fantasize about guys, but it’s really more about penetration than about any actual guy and I don’t really see their face or even their whole body… With girls I think more about touching, kissing etc. The thought of having sex with a girl mostly makes me feel nervous though. I mean I do think I would enjoy it but I feel really shy thinking about it. Sometimes I find other girls pretty terrifying, because I feel like girls expect much more from you and will judge you more harshly. Before I met my boyfriend I never really thought about being in a relationship with a guy, though sometimes I think that might be just because my parents had a pretty bad relationship and my dad was often pretty horrible to my mom. Maybe I could enjoy casual sex with guys, but when it comes to relationships I feel like I would really really prefer to be with a girl and to wake up next to her and cuddle and all those things, and i could more easily see myself spending my life with a girl. The thing is that I really want to start dating girls, and probably will once I’m single and feel ready for it, but I’m kind of afraid that I’m just lying to myself and am not really into girls and that it’s just curiosity or something... I also sometimes think that I may have ‘conditioned myself’ to feel this way with all the lesbian movies and stuff that I binged on in my teens. Maybe I was just fascinated to find something new, because basically I never really knew that that being gay/bi/anything other than straight was even a thing before I was 12 or so because I grew up in this tiny village. But that was more than 10 years ago, and somehow these thoughts keep coming back. Yesterday I actually went to see this LGBT counsellor, which felt like a really big step, and I thought I was going to pass out from feeling so nervous on the way there. And then when I was talking to her I somehow failed to really talk about my sexuality at all and ended up mostly just talking about my relationship and possible break-up and other things… Like I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it, even though I’ve never actually felt like liking girls was something bad or shameful, so I don’t know why it feels so scary to talk about my sexuality. So... any advice? Any help would be appreciated! Sorry for this being super long!
There is something I would to like clarify. Parental issues could cause confuse when you question your sexuality (it has for me), but it does not change your orientation. It might, however, have an influence on which gender you prefer. By definition, a lesbian/gay would not be able to develop feelings for the opposite gender, but a bisexual can. From what you provided, it sounds like you may be bisexual. And maybe it's time to sort out your feelings with girls. I understand you when you mention anxiety. It has also troubled me and made me think that I was truly gay even though I wasn't. I'm not good with giving advice, but when you are ready, explore your feelings with girls, and realize that there is nothing wrong with that. I had sex with an older guy recently and although it didn't tell me if I was gay/bi, it did show that I could have sex with certain guys from time to time, but in terms of relationships, I'm not into guys that way, therefore I identify as straight with homoerotic interests (or heteroflexible).
You could possibly be bicurious or bisexual, you talk a lot about wanting to experience things with a girl so maybe after your break up you should try to talk to more girls and get to know them. Your personal relationship with your boyfriend has nothing to do with your sexuality but the parent thing might. For exmaple, I'm questioning now myself if I'm bisexual and part of the reason why I might like guys is because of past daddy issues but even if your parents relationship wasn't solid I think your sexuality doesn't change from that it just adds on that you might like one gender more than the other. That still makes you bisexual. How do you feel about guys?
Thank you both for your replies. Jax, I'm aware that my parents' relationship shouldn't actually affect my sexuality, but like you said, I sometimes feel like this might be adding to my confusion. I definitely feel like I want to experience things with girls because the thought has been at the back of my head for so many years and I can't seem to let it go. However I don't just want to hook up with some random girl, because I'm kind of socially anxious so I'd really want to get to know them first. I kind of want to start dating girls, but I guess what's holding me back is the fear that i'm not really into girls even though sometimes I'm pretty sure I am. But yeah, I guess I just need to take things at my own pace, and for now it's probably too early to start thinking about things like that anyway. Thanks for the advice, I'm glad your encounter with a guy helped clear things up for you. Woahthatsboring, I'm not really sure how I feel about guys. I can find them attractive, but at least right now I don't really feel a desire to do anything with them. Usually I only find guys attractive if I kind of already know them/have talked to them, and I don't really notice them much walking down the street. The male body is not really attractive to me, but then again I never really got the big deal with naked bodies anyway. I sometimes feel like I can relax more around guys though and feel less shy than with other girls. And yeah I even though I don't think parental/other issues don't actually change your sexuality I guess it could affect which gender you prefer. It's interesting that you think that's what might make you like guys, whereas for me I sometimes wonder if that's the reason I don't want to pursue relationships with guys. I guess human sexuality can be pretty complex. I hope you figure things out though!
