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Am I lesbian in denial/ bi or straight with anxiety/ocd issues?? Please help!!!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by popcorn, Mar 13, 2015.

  1. popcorn

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    I have been straight all my life (female). I’m in my late 20’s now. A member of my family would constantly question me about my sexuality. I’m not the most confident of people so it would make me doubt myself (as I doubt myself with lots of things). When I was with guys – I would feel fireworks, butterflies, turned on…excitement…e.t.c. I never thought or felt like being with another woman.
    I got sick and my illness lasted for some time (body odour). It completely took away my confidence and I now have social phobia, terrible anxiety and regular panic attacks because of it (1 year after being cured from B.O.). Mentally, I still feel and kind of act like I have the body odour.
    I don’t like people sitting or standing too close to me.
    I don’t like making eye contact –
    it’s either too much… and I get the feeling the person thinks that I am staring at them or showing an interest
    or
    too little eye contact and it comes across as if I am checking out other people in the room because I can’t maintain the eye contact with the person I’m talking to.
    If I could, I’d rather look away and be able to look at a wall or something…but sometimes that’s not always possible.
    I blush when I look and talk to people sometimes- and it apparently looks as If I’m being turned on when really I’m actually really shy and uncomfortable in social situations.
    But then…. I also get turned on randomly…. Like- by anyone…. It’s really weird… especially when I have ZERO interest in the person….But…… I also get panic attacks and I’m wondering if this is almost the same thing. I know energy flows to where thoughts go.
    I’ve watched waaay too much porn as when I was sick and a recluse… I had to use something.

    I have a kind of a distorted sense of image of myself now. Due to the whole body odour issue- I felt very unattractive, undesirable e.t.c. It appears that I am attractive and “beautiful” according to a lot of people and even a number of medical doctors have made compliments to my appearance too.
    I thought I’d never get married because of the body odour and it would make me very upset/cry hysterically. It also made me realise it’s the most thing that I want in this world is to get married to a man.
    I’m also a little bit afraid of men due to past experiences with them. I’m afraid that they will hurt me- either physically or mentally. Like they’ll just get what they want and just leave me there. But then at the same time…. I really enjoy their company… in many ways.

    So I want to know- am I in denial - seeing as I get turned on...
     
  2. SoulSearcher

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    I blush when I look and talk to people sometimes- and it apparently looks as If I’m being turned on when really I’m actually really shy and uncomfortable in social situations.
    But then…. I also get turned on randomly…. Like- by anyone…. It’s really weird… especially when I have ZERO interest in the person….But…… I also get panic attacks and I’m wondering if this is almost the same thing. I know energy flows to where thoughts go.
    I’ve watched waaay too much porn as when I was sick and a recluse… I had to use something
    .

    This was basically my situation. It happened a few weeks ago, an guy that isnt attractive to me and isnt very good looking took off his sweatshirt and i saw and got quickly aroused for a few seconds then it went away. Which confuses me. But i realized most of my life when i got "aroused" it was accompanied by a unsettling pit in my stomach. I didnt realize this was anxiety driven until i got aroused by something with a girl in it. I was shocked, that i could be aroused and have it accompanied with excitement and not fear. So i think my combination of body disphoria anxiety and depression and porn use screwed up my system somehow. So like you (except the BO medical issue), im in constant questioning. Those feelings you have for men about the rest of your life i feel but for a women. The thing to do right now, is not fret about it. And work on your anxiety, social phobia, and panic attacks, and other issues first to get yourself to a good place. Before you think about this any farther. Thats what im trying to do :slight_smile:
     
  3. popcorn

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    Soulsearcher thank you so much for your kind response. I think I need a guy like you in my life...able to solve problems and calm me down. I don't know how you managed it but you did!
    Yes, I also get aroused followed by an unsettling pit in stomach with women. It doesn't feel right.
    When it happens with men, there's butterflies, excitement and smiles! :slight_smile:


    *Also to add.... i'm extremely self-conscious...and people think i'm like...checking them out...when really i'm just conscious that they are in the same room as me.... because of the whole body odour issue....
     
  4. SoulSearcher

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    Haha thank you, trust me i only got to this point after countless of EC post reading and support groups. When i found HOCD
    Gay OCD / HOCD / Sexual Orientation OCD - Part 1 | OCD Center of Los Angeles
    i felt so relieved because thats the level of how bad my anxiety and obsessive thoughts got to.
    I grew up a complete prude, and anything sexual about a girl was naughty or bad and i purposely avoided it. I was also bullied and overweight as a kid and it made me have trust issues and anxiety and body disphoria.
    Men usually scare me to a some degree because i felt inadaquate and didnt have many guy friends, so most of my life i constantly compared them to myself on EVERY level. So when people on EC asked me who do i look at more, my answer was guys. Which scared me so bad. But i dont think it was sexual necessarily it was more, im going to compare myself to every man in this room to see where i stand on a social and physical level to determine how comfortable i can be in this room and not feel threatened. So then they ask how do i feel around girls and my answer was "nothing". At first this scared me because of obvious reasons, until i didnt jump the gun and actually think about how i felt, which i realized was more fear or fight or flight and extremely self conscious behavior that i could be Mistaking for " sexual attraction". But there are many studies about how fear and arousal can be mistaken.
    So im taking it day by day and trying to learn myself. The trick is to accept any thoughts as a thought. Dont judge yourself, forgive your past. Work through more important issues first. Be healthy and practice healthy thoughts. Dont do destructive things such as porn and masturbation. Literally do breathing excercises if you feel anxiety and get scared. When you are in a situation where you might feel "aroused" (using qoutes for now on that term), do a simple breathing excercise called 4-7-8. Breathe in 4 seconds, hold 7, let go for 8.
    Your anxiety will subside and you will realize how dumb that reaction was. Dont yell at yourself for what happened, but just accept it and dont put more attention than it deserves. For example, my little story above, i saw the guy again the week after and didnt have any reaction towards him and i felt more comfortable.
    Just learn to live with some uncertainty for right now, and realize that uncertainty is TEMPORARY. Take everything with grain of salt, and give yourself the benefit of the doubt
    It is hard to see through fog, but keep your headlights on and keep driving. Dont stop the car at a destination that might not be your stop, ya know what i mean? haha
     
  5. popcorn

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    Soulsearcher, again thank you for your post. I felt so relieved at reading it as what you have outlined about your experiences, I have felt and feel exactly the same way.

    I grew up in a very prude household and was a prude myself. Now, after excessive porn use, I don't know if I am or not. Same experience with guys that you had with girls- anything sexual with guys was naughty and bad. I was extremely naïve as a teenager.

    And agreed- about who I look at more..... I also compare myself to women. I think... ok... she has a boyfriend... how come I don't have a boyfriend- what does she have that I don't? What attracted him to her? What could I do that would make guys like me more? E.t.c...

    I've stopped porn and reduced masturbation... which I did to an unhealthy extent. I've tried doing breathing exercises and pilates. Within a week... I've already calmed down somewhat. I broke out last night though as there is a guy that i'd really like to be with.....and as a result of my solo activities last night...I had a very bad day today........ ughh...embarresing....

    I did try doing the breathing exercises aswel today while I was getting randomly turned on and it helped somewhat...but I guess I need more practice overall. I need to meditate... my mind is CONSTANTLY whirring away.... I can't relax...

    I'm the same.... with everyone woman I get turned on with- the next day- I don't get turned on at all by her...

    I feel relived you added about the fact that "fear and arousal" can be mistaken. I have SOO many fears. I think I read somewhere that they are feelings that are closely linked...
     
  6. popcorn

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    Anyone with any other thoughts to add to this?
     
  7. Jax12

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    All I can say is that even the smallest things can trigger my anxiety. When I have the gay thoughts, it's distressing until I masturbate about it or talk to other people. I tend to have some sort of a fear behind older men (dad type guys), especially when I talk to them. This alone makes me think that I'm into guys.

    But really for me, if I put aside sex, there's more attraction in girls than guys.
     
  8. popcorn

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    Anyone wanna offer any further insight?
     
  9. Rhiannon666

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    I, too, find it extremely difficult to make the distinction between sexual attraction and anxiety. When I think I find a girl attractive, it's like there's a knot in my stomach and I can't really move - I'm not sure that's because I've been overthinking these things lately or because it's genuine attraction. When I like a guy, and I really like them, it's like a bolt of electricity running through me, I get a shock every time I see them. And I turn red, start talking and laughing more loudly...
     
  10. Crepy

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    I guess I can give you some more inside as I've suffered from hocd for about 9-10 months now. Amongst many other anxiety disorders about other subjects(apperently I'm prone to them). The sexual orientation questioning one is the strongest one I've had so far though.

    In my 9-10 months of having had it. It was to say the least very it was a very maddening experience for me. The constant thoughts trying to convince me I was gay the false feelings of attraction. Eventually though it get's better. But only 1-2 months ago I was sure I was going to have to live with it for the rest of my life. Now I've gotten to a level where I am almost not bothered by it at all anymore. Anyways some things that helped me and may hopefully help you:

    Don't go into an argument with yourself against these thoughts. When you argue within your own mind against these thoughts it will only make it worse. Instead just try to let it go. Allow your mind to think these thoughts. This might be hard at first yet it will get easier.

    Don't overthink wether you are attracted to either sex. I used to do that and I found that when I would overthink it my sexual attraction to the other sex was completly gone. Yet when I just looked at them without overthinking wether I was attracted to them by magic my attraction to the other sex returned.


    Gather knowledge. For me it became a lot easier dealing with it once I knew what it was and what it was capable of doing. Makes it for example a lot easier to just let the unwanted thoughts go as you know they are nothing more then that unwanted thoughts and you also get to learn some of the tricks your mind may employ upon yourself to try and convince you it isn't what it is an anxiety disorder.


    For m at least it went through highs and lows. Over time I had good moments and rock bottom moments. However as time progressed and I employed my tactiks Th good moments became more abundent and lasted longer while the rock bottom moments got less and less and I'm now at a point that I feel comfortable to go to places that used to give me huge anxiety attacks(including this site).


    cbt. Though I'm mostly at a trying it out stage atm I have read about it being the main treatment for ocd's. Bassicaly for 3 months you confront what causes you to panic the most and then prevent your panic behaviour both mentally and physically. No longer then 3 months though as if you still have no succes after 3 months it sin't going to happen.

    anyways that's all I've got I hope that it'll be of some help to you.
     
    #10 Crepy, May 6, 2015
    Last edited: May 6, 2015
  11. popcorn

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    Hi there,

    Thank you so much for your replies. Yes, rhianon, I am also like that with guys. All the feelings that I feel are in line with a straight person and I definitely don't feel like that with women.

    Thank you Crepy for such a lengthy reply and all your advice. I really appreciate it.

    I have been told to try CBT for social phobia. But honestly, I'm just afraid of finding out if I really am gay and I really don't want to be.
     
  12. Crepy

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    I can actually relate to that. Both the being afraid of finding out if I'm gay and the social phobia's and all I can say is this:

    Yes at first it will seem extremly scary. That's how fears work they scare you. However speaking from personal experience if you can find the guts to take that first step and then keep on moving you will find that eventually it will become less and less scary and eventually what was scary at first can become the most fun thing you've ever done.

    As for the fear of finding out if you are gay after all. Yea the posibiltiy excists. However if you truly were to be gay would it truly be so bad to find that out? if you truly were gay wouldn't it be better to just know so you can be yourself and live the life that would make you the most happy? Asking yourself this will hopefully get you the guts to both be accepting of the option(which will actually help you get over the fear as you can't fear something you accept in a positive way) and to do what needs to be done to help yourself get over the anxiety.
     
    #12 Crepy, May 7, 2015
    Last edited: May 7, 2015
  13. mlansing

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    I've heard about this being a common problem for OCD people, thinking and worrying that they might be gay. First of all, if you were gay that would be totally fine, but you don't sound gay to me. If you felt the same excitement and butterflies and smiles for women like you do with men, then maybe, or at the very least you'd be bisexual. But since you don't I don't think you're gay.
     
  14. womaninamber

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    Obviously I can't tell another person for sure what's going on in their head, but to me it sounds like you are on the right track about the OCD. I thought for a while these thoughts were just my OCD until I realized that I enjoy fantasies about women. I'm still not sure what my real orientation is but I don't dread the idea of being gay.

    But I do have OCD, or at least a problem with obsessive thoughts, so I do understand how scary it can be. I used to get obsessive thoughts, sometimes about what seemed to be weird things that shouldn't even matter. And I still get them, but there are some things I've managed to move beyond and now when I think "What if X is true?" I just think "So?"

    So I do think there are effective ways to combat OCD and obsessive thoughts, even though I know when they're in your head they can feel like they're controlling you.
     
  15. popcorn

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    Ya, like I had a small problem with my teeth. They were painful... But the more attention I gave them the more obsessed I became about them and the more painful they became. It lasted till the dentist told me that my teeth wre just sensitive and to change my toothpaste!! Kind of ironic really!

    I know I would feel happy and satisfied in a relationship with a man. Which is not how I'd feel in a relationship with a women and its not just because I haven't experienced it before.

    But then I doubt myself because ppl think I'm a lesbian because of my body language and eye contact. Although at the moment my confidence is still very low.
     
  16. wasgij

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    How much of the OCD is an actual problem in its own right? I mean, I keep running across this theme of self-hatred (maybe because I sometimes just hate myself, so I guess it comes into focus really easily), and I'm wondering if the OCD is just your way of judging yourself harshly? As a little experiment, what would happen if, for those OCD things, you keep reminding yourself "OK so I'm OCD about that, and that's totally OK" ?

    Also, what if you are what you think you are? This one seems like a bit of a brainteaser. Maybe your sexuality is changing and you're just a bit anxious about that process?
     
  17. popcorn

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    See I think I'm straight. It's just other people think I'm a lesbian and that's why I doubt myself.
     
  18. sundaygirlx

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    You don't always have to necessarily be able to put a definite label on your sexuality if you don't want to. Sexuality can be a confusing thing and if someone else is making you doubt it, then I would just try to calm down and find the trust in yourself first. Don't worry so much about finding out what you are if it's freaking you out and just let it happen. Things usually always work out in the end, anyways. :slight_smile:
     
  19. popcorn

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    Synthetik would you mind giving your opinion on this topic too. Thank you.
     
  20. Synthetik

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    Okay, I've read through all the replies so far, and some people have given pretty good advice already about your social anxiety. Although I have some very close friends who experience several forms of intense anxiety disorders, I can't say that I fully understand them, so I won't focus on that aspect of your posts unless you really want me to.

    There are a few major things I see happening here. One, a 'prudish' childhood can often skew healthy sexual development due to stigmatization of sexual behaviors, which I'm sure you know. Viewing porn and masturbation are not inherently unhealthy acts, and although you said you've mostly stopped doing those things, I would recommend actually trying them again-- but in a very specific way.

    Most porn is tailored for men, and is not at all a realistic or even positive depiction of normal human sexual behavior, so I would encourage you to look for more positive arousing material. Perhaps erotic/romance novels, which are usually tailored more for women? These are widely available and feature a variety of heterosexual female/male romantic relationships, and focus more on the pleasure of being in an exciting sexual relationship rather than the outright graphic sex of standard porn. Additionally, masturbation can be a very empowering activity that will help you learn more about your own body and what you like to feel. Next time you feel comfortable masturbating, try to focus on exploring your own erogenous zones more than any other thoughts, and approach it from the perspective of learning to become more content with and accepting of yourself as a sexual being, your perfectly natural desires, and the way your body works for you. Masturbation can be a very gentle, serene experience, and it sounds like you would really benefit from allowing yourself a moment to simply enjoy the way you feel, irrelevant to either men or women, without any fears or doubts sneaking in.

    I also think that focusing on your own body during masturbation will help in three other ways. One, it's perfectly normal to look at other women and compare yourself to them, and even to wonder about what sex must be like for/with them. The way different bodies experience and react to sexual pleasure is a very curious thing, and it's especially interesting to wonder about other people who share your own type of sex organs. Learning more about how those organs feel for you will give you a better understanding of what specifically you're seeing and considering when you look at other women, and I think this will help you focus your thoughts more, feel less confused about why you're even looking at women, and feel less embarrassed about it. Again, a sexually-repressed kind of childhood can cause things like intense, even overwhelming curiosity, but that doesn't mean you're questioning your sexual orientation; usually it just means you're questioning what sexuality is in general and what it feels like to be a sexual being.

    Two, I think focusing more on your own sense of physical pleasure and sexual gratification will help reduce these unwanted feelings of arousal from seemingly random stimuli. The more you become comfortable with what does arouse you and the more you understand about your own reactions, the less you will feel swayed by things like curiosities, and you will gain more confidence in what you know you find attractive, i.e. men. You may simply have a strong sex drive, and there's nothing wrong with that, either. Many straight men, especially during adolescent development and the sexual peak in the early 20s, can feel aroused from something as simple as a hard gust of wind on the back of the neck; there's no reason why a woman shouldn't have powerful responses as well. Getting these feelings under control is simply a matter of recognizing why your body is being affected that way and understanding that just because you feel some kind of erotic pleasure doesn't mean you must act on it. Sometimes I feel the desire to eat chocolate, but that doesn't mean I even want a candybar at that moment. These are all just natural things the human body does.

    Three, learning to appreciate your own body as a healthy sexual biology capable of feeling pleasure might even help you repair your damaged self-image. Healthy masturbation habits don't just teach you exclusively about sex-related aspects of your body; they also teach you about your body overall, and help you to see it in a more positive and honest way. The more you know about what sexual activity feels like for you, the more you will also learn about what sex might feel like for your chosen partner when they interact with you. Personally, I find this to be a huge confidence boost, kind of like training to play tennis by hitting the ball against a wall by myself for awhile before I go for a live match with another person. You may start to remember why you are in fact a desirable person, and you may even experience a moment of understanding desire for women, but that doesn't mean you must feel desire for them. It's simply like a form of empathy, where you have learned enough about why your body is desirable to understand how other people might find female bodies desirable. Understanding and even the ability to relate to something do not mean that you necessarily believe or agree with it.

    As far as the obsessive thoughts, I have to disagree with SoulSearcher and Crepy here. While it's absolutely true that there's no such thing as 'thought crime' -- which means any thought you have, no matter how scary, is still only a thought and it can't hurt you or anyone else -- I don't believe that just allowing yourself to think these thoughts is the best approach. 'Arguing' with your thoughts is not the only way to work on them, and I agree that you shouldn't try to fight with your own mind to stop it from running-- but you can redirect it. Obsessive thoughts occur because the brain fixates on a series of patterns, or neural pathways in the schema, and just continually travels that same path over and over. It's like wearing a groove into the ground; when you make a more prominent pathway, water is going to start just flowing that way on its own, and the more it flows, the deeper it will wear the groove. Building a dam, however, is only going to cause painful blockage and buildup in other places, and perhaps even cause the water to spurt out in yet another unwanted, uncontrolled direction. The best thing to do is to intentionally divert the flow of water into a new groove, and keep sending it in that direction until the new groove is worn deeper than the old one, at which point the water will start flowing that way on its own.

    When it comes to thoughts in the brain, it can be very difficult to remain calm and divert your thoughts towards a new pattern you want to have, but the encouraging thing is that it's possible and within your power to do. You can have control over the way your brain works, you just need to be aware of the unwanted processes at all times and put effort into directing them. Does that make sense?

    I hope this helps. If you want to discuss something in further detail or have more concerns, please feel free to keep talking to me. It seems we can't PM each other because we're not full members yet, but that can happen soon.

    ---------- Post added 28th May 2015 at 01:44 PM ----------

    Oh, also, most people base their idea of 'someone is gay' on obvious stereotypes or unvalidated hunches, so unless this family member either knows exactly what it feels like to be you or has supernatural clairvoyant abilities, it's safe to completely ignore their opinion-- and the opinions of anyone else. Ultimately, 'being gay' simply means having the desire to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same sex/gender, and the key word here is engage. There's a huge difference between wondering or even fantasizing about having sex with a certain person versus actually wanting to physically participate with your own body. It's like the difference between thinking that skydiving is really cool and wanting to watch videos about it versus actually jumping out of a plane yourself.

    If being safely on the ground (i.e. heterosexual in this metaphor) gives you plenty of butterflies, there's no reason to suspect that leaving the ground will make you enjoy it less. You might also enjoy the experience of something else, like engaging in a sex act with a woman, but it's entirely up to you whether you want to pursue that, and it doesn't mean you enjoy men any less.