The ever so cliched in-love-with-your-straight-best-friend case

Geez how do I begin...

In short, I'm in love with my straight best friend who is also my roommate.

I'm not a lesbian myself, bisexual isn't exactly quite right either. I'm just madly in love with my best friend as a person, not really caring about her gender.

I've known her for almost two years, living with her for almost a year. We're uni students studying in different unis. We get along so well during our college days, we were almost inseparable. But then we decided to move to different institutions for uni and decided to move in together which at first sounded like a fool-proof plan.

Well but of course, it's not that easy. I started developing feelings for her which started out as possessiveness. I got really jealous of her new friends whom I saw as people who 'stole' her away from me. Especially when I was having a hard time finding new friends at my uni. I just felt like she was abandoning me, leaving me behind while she has new people to hang out with. So at the time I played her game and maintained a distance from her, coming home late and doing my best not to be at home just because it hurt pretty bad every time I see her.

This whole jealousy and bottling up my confusing feelings led to an argument of sort. Ended with her crying, saying that she's afraid that I'm mad and she's actually paranoid of me ignoring her and such. That made me feel like a total jerk, of course. We made up after the whole episode, with her saying that I'll always be the number one friend.

It's so hard for me to believe her words, honestly. It's either I'm not convinced by her actions or because I have this trust issue going on. Maybe both, although more on my part on trying not to get hurt again.

But God, how I love her. I love her to the point that it hurts me more than it is making me happy. I know that I can't have her, with her being straight and saying she'll never like a girl. But she's not helping with the fact that she doesn't even push away when I casually touch her, or the fact that she doesn't complain when I say that I do love her a couple of times (I'm sure she took it as a bad joke).

I try my best to support her, give her the space she needs and deserves to hang out with her other friends. I disregard how I feel, I just swallow whatever complaints I have to make sure she doesn't know I'm still hurting. I don't want her to worry about a thing. I just want everything to be normal in her eyes.

It's just so hard sometimes and I struggle with this for a year or so. I just don't know what to do. Just feel like writing this down and be heard by someone.

Sorry for the long post, guys. Feel like I can write a whole essay about this already lol.

 

Thanks for your reply, HandsomeQueen!

Sometimes I can't figure out how she thinks. She acts all cool but then like I said she's the one who ended up crying her eyes out. I've always been the sensitive, emotional one. So it's hard for me to say what she knows and what she doesn't. I doubt she's 'waiting' for anything..

 

Thank you for your reply, Beware the Ides.

Reading your message pushed me even more to start doing things for myself. I guess it's alright to take measures that ensure your own happiness, right? I'm trying really hard to detach myself, trying out new things and improving myself.

I'll keep trying my best!