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Where should I go from here...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Paulipocket10, Mar 13, 2015.

  1. Paulipocket10

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2015
    Messages:
    10
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    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    So as of about a year ago, I realized or maybe just more consciously admitted to myself that I probably bisexual, though I may lean more toward women but I'm still not sure. Growing up I had a few crushes on guys, there was one in highschool I fell pretty hard for. When we would hang out and he would hold my hand and give me hugs it gave me butterflies, but I never had a strong desire to kiss him and when he eventually did I didn't feel anything. Things eventually never formed and I got over it relatively easily. Since then, I have had minor crushes on guys but nothing as strong as that. I never really had any strong crushes on girls growing up, but I did start to question my sexuality when I became aroused one time by an actress watching a movie. I was pretty scared and pushed those feelings aside for a while.

    When I went off to college, I kissed a few guys during college at parties, but again never felt anything even when I had been drinking. I kinda assumed though I didn feel anything because I didn know them or have an emotional connection with them. There was one guy though that I did have some feelings for, but when he kissed me I didn feel anything again.

    My second semester, I joined a sorority and started to develop feelings with this girl that would eventually become by big. I felt so incredibly close to her and wanted to be around her constantly. I always had butterflies in my stomach around her and my heart pounded whenever I saw her, but I didn really consciously admit to myself that I was falling for her and just saw it as some incredibly close/magic like friendship. As well, at the time I never had any strong sexual feelings for her that I can remember, but it's possible I just could have been suppressing them.

    A year later I finally realized my true feelings for her and that I was in love with her--when she actually started to show signs that she possibly had similar feelings too. At the time though I was actually suffering from a manic depressive episode and left school and am transferring somewhere else. When I became healthy and stable, I realized that those feelings though were still accurate, and while the mania intensified the feelings I was still in love and had such a strong sexual desire for her that I had never felt with anyone else before.

    For a variety of reasons, things will never work out between us and I never had the chance to act on my feelings so ever since I have become incredibly curious about my sexuality. I am worried though for my next plan of action as I will finally be going back to college this fall. While I have a strong desire to experiment with girls, I know that have had strong attractions to guys in the past. While nothing serious ever happened, I have not had much interaction with many hertero guys or have connected with a lot on emotional level. I don't know if it's because I haven found the right ones or if I am not as attracted to guys in general (at my old school there were a lot more women, a significant amount of gay guys, and many of the straight guys were the fratty/self absorbed type--a huge turnoff for me even if they were very attractive physically)

    I want to explore and I know it may be a stupid worry but I guess what I am most afraid of is that if I happen to end up falling in love and getting into a really serious relationship with either sex (though especially a guy because I have never kissed a girl before) before I really get a chance to really experiment, I feel like il always have these what ifs and never be really satisfied. As well, il be afraid of hurting my partner knowing that I still have insecurities about my sexuality.

    I guess my first inclination is to start dating girls because I have the least experience with that. I don't really want to experiment in gay bars or anything or kiss a random girl to see if I feel anything though because I want the first time at least to be meaningful. As well, I still have some feelings for my friend and I feel if it was someone random I might just feel something because of the lingering feelings from her. Yet if I meet a guy and we really connect and I think there's a chance at love, I don't want to totally ignore it... So ya I guess I'm at a crossroads

    I realize I am probably over analyzing everything and I should just let things happen naturally and I know things will eventually work themselves out but I was just curious if anybody had advice or had been in similar situations
     
  2. Sasha Braus

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2014
    Messages:
    65
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    Location:
    Vancouver, Canada
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Sorry if this is way off the mark, but maybe what you feel towards guys is purely romantic, and you feel both romantic and sexual attraction to women. You can separate your romantic and sexual orientations.