I'm very confused. I have discovered that I have anxiety (which has been shown in many ways, not worrying about my sexuality though.) I don't honestly worry that much about my sexuality however I'm very confused. When puberty started I had MANY sexual feelings for guys and I used to look up like sexual scenes on youtube which were gay and I used to look up "gay sex movie" not even knowing the meaning of being gay, I just knew that typing in "gay" would let me look at what I want to look at. I didn't think much about the label "gay" I just was exploring my sexual feelings I were having. I was about 11 (12 in a few months) when the feelings started happening. I have an accepting family so I never really pushed the feelings away that much. As I grew older I understood what these sexual feelings meant and I was probably 13 when I understood the meaning of being gay and homophobia. I did go into more extreme versions than simply films which didn't even include nudity and I got into porn. I kinda went through a phrase where I simply thought I was bisexual (I used to watch a lot of bisexual threesomes, but they always had to be boy + boy + girl) and I even told friends I was bisexual. They were accepting of course. I kinda started doubting being bisexual and I thought I was gay. I kinda just saw myself as gay and looked into many LGBT+ topics and I found interest in it. But my anxiety is starting to make me think I thought I was gay because I found it cool to be different and I'm really straight and that my sexual attraction to guys (which I still have) was just hormones. I'm 14 now and sometimes I feel attraction to girls (physical/emotional) and I even find the idea of having a girlfriend and sex with a girl not disgusting at all. The idea of having sex with a guy sometimes puts me off even though I have sexual attraction towards guys? I even kinda felt embarrassed when this girl from my school liked my picture on Instagram even though I don't really have a crush on her. Sometimes I do look at girls and think I could have crushes on them. I'm just starting to think because of my anxiety that I wanted to be gay to be different. When I have these feelings about girls sometimes I deny them and say "but I'm gay" and think I'm having them just because its "normal" in society. I know that when you are really gay you have thoughts about your love life with the opposite sex because you are pressurized to (if you live in a homophobic environment) but you don't like them. My family and friends however are accepting and I don't need to have these thoughts about girls but I do. It seems like I'm straight not gay and I know it seems like I'm bisexual but I have no sexual feelings towards girls. I think me wanting to be different and unique made me want to be gay and I honestly don't want to be straight (kinda selfish I know) but yeah. What do you think I am? I know it will be clearer to me when I'm older but I just want your opinion. (&&&)
Just so you know, it's super common to think the way you do, especially at your age. Obviously time will help, but I think you already know that and that's not exactly what you want to hear. So here's what I think based on what you wrote: I think you're at the very least bi if not gay. Often non-straight people begin to discover their sexual attraction to the same gender before experiencing any romantic attraction (this could be totally wrong, just an observation that I have made from reading many posts on ec). Because it's not the norm for a guy to date a guy or a girl to date a girl, it's hard for people to envision, including people who are gay themselves. It takes some getting used to before it becomes an actual option. I suggest that you keep your mind open to all possibilities, do what feels right and go from there. There is no rush to define your sexuality right away. To keep your anxiety to a minimum, try and be okay with not having all the answers.Good luck! Just to add, it does seem as though you have a genuine attraction to guys so I don't think you're questioning your sexuality just so you can be different. It's great that you think being gay makes you unique!
How I interpreted it is that you might be bisexual, because you can be bisexual and like one gender better, it's not like it's a 50-50 kinda thing. It seems that you like both girls and guys, but you might like guys better, but that's just how I saw it. The only person that can be sure is you. Good luck!
Come to think of it, your posts sounds like something I would say. Like you, I would say things like "You're actually gay and your feelings for girls are just something you want for the sake of being normal". I have anxiety as well so I know where you're coming from... I always try to convince myself that I'm gay, but when I come to EC or talk to my guy friends, I don't feel gay at all, which is why this confusion is upsetting me. It's not so much about being gay that is upsetting, but the very fact that my mind won't stop going back and forth is what's getting irritating. About the porn, I searched gay porn/scenes and essentially gay material but never found it applicable to me, like "I'm gay and so it would make sense to like gay porn". I want to come out so bad because of how relieved and happy people are when they do so, but what am I coming out for? I don't even know if I'm gay, or even bi. I only like older guys (father type guys, driven by many reasons of course) and the idea of liking a guy my age is not interesting whatsoever.
I understand. However, I do like gay porn and lesbian porn hardly ever arouses me. Straight porn arouses me sometimes even though when I have watched straight porn the women are treated really badly and that puts me off. I probably watch like gay porn 90% while straight porn 7% and lesbian porn 3% lol. I know porn doesn't indicate your sexuality anyway. I could see myself liking guys my age tbh but when I look at gay couples and think of myself as being one of the guys it makes me feel uncomfortable. The thing what annoys me is that I can't tell if me being uncomfortable is because I'm not used to looking at gay couples or its that I'm actually straight. Literally I definitely know I have sexual attraction towards guys but when it comes to romance... idk. I see romance with a girl more appealing and I don't know if that's because I'm straight or because its normal. Romance with a guy seems strange to me, if I had romantic attraction to guys and I was not uncomfortable about it I would know I'm gay. It's complicated.
Perhaps I am not the only one in the situation we both somewhat share! I'd say we have near similar situations, which is peculiar since - for this entire time - I believed I was the only person dealing with this situation. I am older, I am almost not an adolescent anymore which further adds to the pressure I have recently introspected about more often than not. I don't watch porn though. It lacks intimacy which is very discomforting. At least, to me it is.
Yep! It's so complicated. With the porn though, I honestly don't watch it as much anymore for the reasons you said. This whole thing is just confusing. At least we aren't alone in the situation though.
