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"Just a Phase"

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Beware the Ides, Mar 14, 2015.

  1. Beware the Ides

    Regular Member

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    I hate this phrase so much.

    I hate this idea so much.

    We get it a lot as teenagers, about sexuality but also about hobbies, interests, and passions. Often, it's true - we're a lot more changeable when we're young, which I'm pretty sure is a critical part of learning and growing and evolving. Some things stay important for a long time, and some things are phases that get replaced with other things, and that's all a part of life.

    The problem with "just a phase" is that it dismisses anything that doesn't last as trivial or unimportant, and that's just flat-out wrong. When it comes to sexuality (and also gender, I think) it can be harmful as well. The problem is that sexual identity isn't set in stone forever, at least not for everyone. Some people start out knowing the kind of person they're attracted to and they stay attracted to that sort of person for their entire lives. Other people take a long time to figure it out, or are never totally sure.

    But a lot of people find that they're attracted to a bunch of different things over time. Maybe that means liking tall people and then liking someone closer to your height. Maybe it starts off liking a certain type of beauty, and coming to value other body types. Sometimes it's age, or coloring, and sometimes means liking guys for a while, and then liking girls for a while, liking sex or not wanting anything sexual, maybe any number of things or none of them, maybe back and forth for an entire lifetime.

    Are they phases? Sure. So was my Harry Potter obsession, so were neon and boy bands. Just because they're over now doesn't mean they didn't matter. On the other hand, there's a good reason that blue jeans stuck around and flared corduroys didn't.

    Some things need to evolve over time, and clinging to them out of stubbornness or pride is just as bad as not acknowledging them in the first place. Identities in particular need to be able to grow and change. I was really resistant to the idea of dating someone of my gender, because my mothers had this whole "don't worry, you'll grow into homosexuality" thing when I was a teenager, and it was assumed that my bisexuality was just a phase. I clung to presenting as straight because I wanted to prove that I wasn't just giving in to my mothers' presumptions, and in retrospect that was really, really stupid. I gave up a chance at two relationships that could have been really valuable out of stubborn principle.

    My life right now is really fluid. My identity, both for gender and sexuality, is all about change, and right now that's what works for me. Maybe in a few years I'll decide that I'm pansexual instead of bi. Maybe my gender will become more binary, maybe less. But to say that where I'm at right now is "just a phase" is to dismiss everything that's brought me here.

    I refuse to allow that for myself, and I'll fight against it for anyone else who encounters it as well. They're not "just" phases, they're important steps to building identity.
     
    #1 Beware the Ides, Mar 14, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2015
  2. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    One thing that people fail to understand is while some things are phases, some things stick with you for life. I grew out of my anime phase for example, but I've been playing the same video game franchises for over 21 YEARS NOW.

    Sexuality is unique I like to say. Let's take women for example. Some women grow interested in girls, realize it's a passing thing and date guys. Others know they like girls young and 80+ years later they were still unable to like a guy. And other women are completely fluid; their preferences may change around, but that's just who they are. Not 'phases.'

    And like you said, even if you grow out of something, who cares? That doesn't mean that it wasn't important at the time.

    The only thing about supporting fluid sexuality though, is you have to be careful to not invalidate rigid sexualities. Sexuality isn't set in stone for everyone, but for some people, it is. I am not fluid and probably never will be, but I also understand that some lesbians can open up to men; I just can't and if I'm happy this way I don't see a need to open myself up to a future if It's one no one can predict. Likewise, I started off being a Christian and became an atheist in my teens-now. However, many of my Christian friends were that way their entire lives, and although they could open up to atheism, they may stay Christians and never change. And It's not up to me to predict their future because their religious choices are theirs alone.
     
  3. Acanthophis

    Regular Member

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    I live in an area in Canada which the citizens like to say "this place is behind by ten years" as a means to justify their apathy and/or ignorance. Whenever I try and meet up with guys online, I usually just lie to them and say I'm gay (if the topic comes up), because so many of them are "offended" that I'd choose to call myself bisexual, as if it invalidates the gay rights movement.

    To me, at least, the "it's just a phase" nonsense is the least offensive. The idea that bisexuals are incapable of monogamy, or that we are always looking for threesomes (well... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:), or that we are all just just sluts and horny, is what I find offensive. The fact that those traits belong to all humans is why it's sad.
     
  4. Beware the Ides

    Regular Member

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    I don't think it's really a competition ... you certainly won't find me saying that bisexual marginalization or invisibility isn't horrible, but I'm not sure what it has to do with whether or not other things suck.