There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guys...

Re: There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guy

I think you are looking into it too much.
I think what excites you is that its taboo. I dabbled in that when i was addicted to porn, it escalated and escalated to that thing. But i just watched light handjobs, i think it excited me because i could imagine being in that situation. But now looking back at it after a long porn break it doesnt really excite me that much anymore. I suggest you take a LONG break with porn and masturbation.
Porn is NOt a good indicator for sexuality because viewing those sexual things even outside your orientation could make you aroused. That is the nature of porn. And when you drown yourself in that it can numb you to everything else.
Maybe you do or maybe you dont but it doesnt matter. Take a break, relax, calm down. THen asess in a month or two.

 

Re: There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guy

Don't be ashamed about having a fetish first of all. As long as it's consensual, and no one is getting severely harmed, then fetishes shouldn't be stigmatized.

Outside the realm of bondage, you're not sexually attracted to guys. So, how do you feel about girls in terms kissing, having sex, intimacy, etc? Knowing that might help you figure out where you stand.

Don't feel compelled to label yourself at Kinsey extremes of 0, 3, or 6 because other people say so. Define yourself by your terms only, and not by those of someone else.

The only disadvantage of doing this is that you may need to explain yourself whenever someone asks you about your sexuality, as Kinsey 1, 2, 4, and other sexualities are not as well understood by the general public, as straight, bi, and gay. Go for whatever label fits you at that time.

 

Re: There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guy

Hi,
you don't have to call yourself anything at all, nor are you compelled to identify with a 'label' at all. Isn't 'human being' enough?

Personally, I don't know what 'percentage' of my sexual attraction goes to guys, and what to girls, and although I used to keep trying to work this out, I've now realized it is irrelevant. If there is someone I feel drawn to, that I like, feel attracted to, well they might be male or female but the main consideration for me is that I like that particular person, rather than whether they are male or female. So I no longer care for worrying about 'what number on the Kinsey scale am I on exactly?' anymore, and I feel like I've just dumped a whole lot of stress out of my life.

 

Re: There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guy

Thats not neccesarily true, because when girls are tied up it gives off a "rapey" vibe that he describes above and its a turn off for him.

A agree with the rest, but make sure you (OP) take a long break from it everything before you go testing and imagining. Because if you are addicted you are going to replay it in your mind becuase you are used to no stimuli. Take youre time and dont force anything. Recognize what true arousal is and what is basically conditioned response. But dont do this testing until a long time without anything. No porn or masturbation. Then see where you are.

 

Re: There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guy

I'll give my take on this. To be honest, you sound more straight than I do. From what you provided, it doesn't seem like you have any real life attraction to guys, so what makes you think you are gay other than the fact that gay bondage turns you on?

I will say that the porn that I watched and the porn that I acted out in real life did not provide the same level of arousal, AT ALL. In fact, a lot of times I'll want to back out when I'm meeting up with a guy but I'm already there so why back out now?

I'm still figuring it out, but a lot of times, my desired to have sex with a male are driven by stress and. Anxiety because the thoughts won't go away. Until I have sexual contact or masturbate to men, the thoughts go away and I feel much better.

 

Re: There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guy

I'm in a similar situation. For me, at random times but seemingly related to my anxiety I get aroused thinking about being the receptive partner in gay sex. If I remember correctly, it started with anal play when I was a teenager, and I don't remember ever thinking about a guy doing it to me until later. When it came to porn, whenever I got into this mood I would watch the act of penetration, and get off to it. I remember starting with transsexuals and then also gay porn. Despite this, I never felt any attraction to guys in real life. So I have so far only been with girls, and only felt attracted to girls. But this is something I think about constantly, almost every day. When I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I decided I had to figure it out, so I went to a gay sauna. The fantasy of it caused me a combination of distress, anxiety and arousal - but I was sure I needed to do it. The minute I got there, and even on my way there the anxiety and the arousal had faded, but I felt I had to go through with it. Inside, I felt mostly numb, definitely not aroused or happy. I ended up trying to blow a guy, but I didn't want to touch him at all, even asked him to put the condom on himself, it just felt so wrong and not something I wanted to do. Anyway, he could obviously sense this so he left after a few seconds, and I felt so terrible I went into the bathroom and cried, and put two fingers down my throat. On a good day, sex with my girlfriend was the complete opposite of this. Very aroused, happy, confident etc. Especially liked how damn good I felt afterwards, like I had accomplished something.

Despite this, I continue to fantazise about it. It's like my mind just thinks the dirtiest, most taboo thoughs, and that's arousing. It's almost always coupled with anal stimulation, which to anyone who has tried it can give better orgasms. It's driving me mad though, because I have no idea why I do it. I can also fantazise about girls, and I have done that since around the same time. It feels less intense, but it feels good. I almost always do it to girls I have felt attracted to in real life. Sometimes I even start off thinking I'm this disgusting (no offence, I have nothing against being gay - but this is how it makes me feel if it were to be me) gay slut, but then realize that I actually this is not what I want to do, and think of a girl instead. Everytime I watch porn nowadays, I start with gay porn. 90% of the time I don't feel aroused, so I feel relieved and then switch to solo girls or straight porn. It is a terrible cycle though, and I have to do it everytime, pretty much.

The other day, after drinking heavily and smoking weed, I mastrubated to these gay thoughts and the day after I thought I gotta go try it. So I spent the day on a hookup site, and felt this combination of arousal and anxiety. Decided to meet up with a guy, but once again on my way there the anxiety and arousal was gone. When I met him, I didn't think much of it. I told him I was questioning and wasn't sure I wanted to do anything, so we had a few drinks and I was more and more sure I couldn't do anything with him, I was not attracted to him. So I left, went to a party, met a girl I was attracted to and then night ended with her giving me a kiss. It was a great kiss, because I smiled for 20 minutes on the bus going back home.

I keep looking for people in my situation here, but I can't really find many to relate to. I still think I have to try sex with a guy, yet I can't see myself attracted to one. I don't even know if actually going through with my fantasy (anal) would shed any light on my issue. I am seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual issues/questions, but he thinks this is just an anxiety problem and is going to refer me to a CBT-specialist. I am not convinced though, I don't think I will ever be. Honestly though, I think I would rather be gay than question anymore. I have also thought suicide as an option, and would probably do it unless I had to think of my family. This may sound harsh, but not knowing for sure who you are attracted to, if your whole life is a lie, doubting everything, not knowing whether you are aroused or feeling anxious/terrible when you see a a guy that you may or may not REALLY want to have sex with, or you may actually throw up and crying frequently, but also feeling so god damn happy whenever anything points towards you being straight, like whenever I felt a rush of love towards my ex-gf, or when we had good sex etc. Anyway, I'm rambling. Would like to know what other people think about this, even though I know it doesn't matter. I will be back questioning in no time anyway!

On a side note, how would you try having sex with a guy to see if you like it? Is online hookup sites the only option?

 

Re: There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guy

You have described one aspect of your sexuality. How are the other aspects?
Whom do you want to be with in real life romantically and sexually? What kind of *connection* in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom do you want with a partner?

From a personal perspective: porn does not matter, if I had to doubt my sexuality based on each fantasy/dream/porn scenario I'd be in serious trouble- people can get aroused by all sorts of things, most of which would never make them happy in real life.

Finding men being tied up could mean two opposite things: 1) you imagine doing it to a guy, or 2) you are the guy who experiences this.

The way porn represent women is often horrible. I'd say not finding women being tied up arousing could actually be a sign that you respect/*like* women, rather than a sign that you are not attracted to them sexually. I am pretty much very lesbian, and I have trouble getting aroused and interested in porn featuring women, because simply it is not a woman-friendly genre.

 

Re: There's no doubt that I have a "gay fetish" but I don't think I actually LIKE guy

SubZero and RUlerofworlds, I recognize what you write about. This is really interesting and a helpful thread for anyone who's questioning.

SubZero, I'm also interested in light bondage, but the straight kind. I'm female and I've had fantasies since I was very young about being tied up by a male. It's a scenario where I can't move, but the man knows exactly what to do, so he's controlling me completely, but I'm controlling his actions with my mind (since I'm the director of the fantasy). I never fantasize about anyone from real life, it's a faceless man. His clothes are usually on while mine are off. I don't want to touch him or do anything to his body. I don't fantasize about his body, what turns me on is his behaviour. The fantasy is arousing but has an icky feeling to it as well - it feels taboo.

This isn't a fantasy I'd carry out in real life. It's been any easy way to get aroused throughout my life. Lately I've been questioning my sexuality, wondering if I'm lesbian. I feel a connection to women and find them attractive. Awhile ago I was experimenting with fantasies about women, and found that fantasies where I was the dominant one were very arousing, more arousing and playful than the straight bondage fantasy. I was surprised to find that I have a desire not to be passive at all but very active. I can also imagine switching with a woman. Also, I can imagine tender "regular" sex with a woman. This is without the icky taboo feeling as described above.

SubZero, when you fantasize about men, do you imagine touching their bodies, do you find their bodies beautiful or attractive, are you the active or passive one? Only you can know what you truly feel and how to best describe your sexuality. I hope you find answers that feel right to you!


RUlerofworlds, I feel like I completely understand what you say, I also get aroused thinking about being the receiving partner in straight sex. Making out or having sex with men has been kind of awkward when I look back at my life. I've always been passive. Since childhood I would think about what I'd like men to do to me, but I'm not very interested in doing things to them. It's very rare that I'm attracted to a male in real life, he has to have a certain energy and personality, a certain face and physical appearance. I always thought I'm simply very picky. But I notice women all the time, how beautiful they are.

I did have a relationship at one point with a man who tied me up. It was very arousing. But other aspects of the relationship were draining and confusing. I remember being aroused all the time, wanting to have sex all the time, but in a mechanical way, I felt empty inside, like there was a dark void. His body was perfect, very toned and muscular, and he had a very attractive face, almost like a model. I remember looking at his chest and thinking: "What do I do with that?"

I'm kind of unmotivated with men. I like seeing their arousal and lust, the energy in their bodies, but I don't really want to do anything, I just want them to project that energy on me.

I'm a bit scared of men sometimes, always have been. I'm uncomfortable wearing sexy clothes around men. Like you describe, I can feel a mixture of anxiety and arousal.

You can get through this, hang in there. I know it's not easy living with this kind of anxiety, but it won't last forever. In those moments where you feel a rush of love, or peace, or relaxation, or joy, those are the moments where truth is to be found. It sounds to me like the questioning is your rational mind trying to "make sense" of sensations and emotions, and doing it far too much. I personally don't think we can "make sense" of our emotions. They are what they are, and we can tune into them and accept them, and when we accept, we can begin to love ourselves for all that we are. Why we feel a certain way doesn't matter. We don't have to do anything we don't want to do. There's a quote I like: "Be kind to yourself - kinder than you think you should be."