Contains a fair amount of sexual detail in order to describe things. I'm not shy about talking about sex but I know some don't want to read details so you have been warned. So I thought that I was just going to come out, deal with the aftermath and move on; but I have been so upset lately about calling myself gay and haven't been able to put my finger on it until now. I have no issues with being out at all... in fact, I jump at the chance to tell someone I'm gay. I'm even okay with mild pda. I've always kind of been an in your face kinda person and loved to get negative attention for things anyway. In high school I was nicknamed "gothic freak", even. No, admitting I am gay has always been about me accepting me and the fear that I would be disappointing people. Now that the information is out there, I actually feel much better and my crazy appetite and over eating issue has vanished because of it. Now, I know that I am gay. I ultimately want to end up with a woman. That isn't the issue, either; but I felt like I still hadn't gotten it completely right. I thought I was a freak. Before ever coming to this site the only terms I had ever heard about sexuality is like straight, gay, bi (and all forms of these) and then asexual. I didn't know that romantic orientation can be so different then sexual orientation, I thought it was the same thing. It's what made it easier to deny being gay because of my romantic orientation and my very confusing and sometimes mixed feelings about sex with men meant that I struggled in my straight relationships. It was a very lonely place to live and has created a severe anxiety disorder that is causing problems with day to day function so I'm trying to tackle this so I can just move forward with my life happily. I have rarely enjoyed sex. I used to think that it was because of my sexual abuse my whole life so I never questioned why I felt so broken all the time; but when I came to terms with being gay, I started going over my life with a fine tooth comb to make sense of it. It dawned on me that the timeline starts with me confessing my sexual attraction to the naked female form to a friend when I was 8 years old which was actually about 6 months before the 3 month ordeal of being sexually molested by a family member. This bit of information actually made me extremely happy because it meant that my sexual orientation towards women is naturally all me and not because of some traumatic event in my life. So sex with men sucked. I became very promiscuous trying to solve the problem. Searching for some connection that was barely ever experienced. I didn't know what the trigger had been the couple times that it was enjoyable and figured that was the key to unlocking my ability to live a straight and normal life and still achieve fulfillment. Most of the time with men I even needed to fantasize in order to get there and enjoy it. But it was a performance and I was just going through the motions, not connecting to my boyfriends. It was a lot more like masturbation, and I was USING a human being with feelings to achieve it. It left me feeling dead inside. There have been 2 occasions in my life (two different people) that I felt simultaneously connected emotionally and sexually and was able to reach that peak during vaginal intercourse instead of oral sex or manual stimulation like I usually did. It was also done without the usual fantasies and were the only two times that I ever experienced a g spot orgasm as the rest have been clitoral. They weren't people I was in relationships with but had been friends with for a long time at that point and my desire for commitment was one sided but they had made me believe that they were all in at the time. My two positive experiences became very damaging for me because they were the only ones to make me feel anything and they had rejected me after having found what I had been searching for. I wasn't ever able to explore any further. Now, I have been with a couple women. They were always really close friends of mine that I slept with but no romantic attraction and only mild sexual attraction. I didn't need to fantasize at all with these women but at the same time the sex wasn't that great for me. I have never had sex with a woman that I feel both a romantic and sexual connection for; however, I have had feelings that I have never acted on for these women. Ultimately, seeking out a relationship with a woman that fits both would be my best bet to get satisfaction both romantically and sexually so that's not my issue here. It's not that I need the label exactly, I just want to sort things out and finally feel at peace and not feel like such a lonely freak all the time. Is it possible to have separate sexual attraction types for two genders? I feel like I'm panromantic as I connect affectionately and romantically for both men and women. If I was truely 100% homosexual then I would never be interested in men sexually at all. Is it possible to be homosexual towards woman and demisexual towards men? Does that even make sense?
