This is going to be long but I can't really find someone who has my experiences so I am going to say my story and see what advice people are going to give me. I am going to go see a counselor through my college this week also. I was always really insecure about being gay and was bullied about it at a young age and was always worried I would be. Before high school I went through a time of depression and thought I was gay and tried telling my parents who told me that they didn't think I was because I had liked girls and had girlfriends in middle school. I listened to them and slowly convinced myself I was straight. Freshman year of high school I had a girlfriend and she was my first kiss and I really liked it and then we broke up after a few months. Through most of high school I was always texting girls and trying to get them to date me and only had crushes on girls. When I was a sophomore and freshman I would get boners really easily when grinding on girls and I really liked it. Then for my dances jr and sr year I couldn't get boners and was really worried the entire dance so it was something that I was really worried about because I thought I might be gay. I had a girlfriend again towards the end of my junior year and she was the first girl I made out with and we also did second base stuff and I really liked it. Then after a while I got sick of her and didn't want to date her. I would also get really uncomfortable sometimes when we were one on one at dates because I didn't feel that much attraction to her and I felt awkward. I also had a girlfriend that I dated for over a year my entire senior year and heading into college. She came over a lot and after a while I got sick of her but kept with her because I worried the only reason I didn't want to be with her because I was gay. We had sex at least once a week and I remember usually being nervous that I wouldn't be able to perform but most of the time once we cuddled and stuff I would get in the mood and like it. I did have a few instances where I couldn't get it up and they were awful and I felt like shit and she felt like she wasn't pretty and I drove home feeling terrible about myself. When I got to college I felt like I would notice guys that were attractive more than I noticed girls which worried me and I always told myself stuff like "you just notice when you check out a guy more because it freaks you out and you pay attention to it more because of anxiety" And I kind of had this existence until I had a something happen (I am just going to call it bullying related and not explain what it was) that really kind of knocked me down and I went back into a depression stage. Every time I thought of my girlfriend I would get anxiety about having to perform but luckily I didn't see her for 2 weeks and I thought that I would take time and get better. But when I finally saw her again I was just sick to my stomach and couldn't eat because I was so scared I was gay and when she spent the night I didn't get a cuddle boner like I used to and when I looked at her naked I didn't really get turned on. This is when I started going on this website and trying to find answers and couldn't really find anyone with my situation very closely and then I reached out to a friend who told me if I was gay it was ok and then I thought about being gay and watched gay porn and was aroused by it so I thought I was gay. I then broke up with my girlfriend and explained to her I needed to take time to know if I was gay or not. I continued to get excited by gay porn and thought I was gay and made a ****** and met people. I ended up telling my parents why I broke up with my girlfriend and they said they would support me and love me no matter what. I ended up coming out to basically all of my family and friends within a few weeks and was excited to have this weight off my chest. I met up with a guy and we did stuff and then ended up talking to him for a while and we hung out a few times and I remember being kinda worried because I was hoping for an "aha" moment and it didn't really feel different being with him than it did when I was with girls and when I was with girls and the relationships were new it was the same thing where it was exciting and I was into it. Then one day we were making out and I remember specifically wanting to have boobs to grab on and I missed fingering my girlfriend and then I had a panic attack and basically shut down and he left pretty soon after that. At this point I had reverse feelings to what I used to have and would freak out when I noticed a girl was attractive because I was supposed to be gay and I felt like I really didn't think guys were that attractive now that I had free range to check them out. I was trying to tell myself that I was gay and I had mental barriers that I had to get over and that was my current problem. Last night I hooked up with a second guy and we made out for 3 hours and I was pretty turned on for most of it, but I didn't really feel more turned on then when I was with girls. As it went on it kinda wore off on me and I ended up leaving and going home without either of us finishing. I remember walking home and wishing that it hadn't happened and I felt gross and nasty and even though I found butt stuff attractive in porn, in real life it freaks me out and I am not interested because it just seems nasty to me. I also think that it is worth noting that I would watch porn almost every night in high school because I would watch it to convince myself that I wasn't gay but watching porn. I used to be afraid because it would take me some time to get aroused by straight porn where when I saw strap on porn I would get aroused right away and I would most of the time find myself watching strap on porn and then switching back to straight stuff once I got aroused. After I came out gay I ended up doing the same thing where I would watch gay porn to convince myself I was actually gay and it has gotten to a point where I really only get aroused by rough anal and can't just look at a picture of a guy and get aroused. I also remember feeling anxiety when my girlfriend said she had a sex dream about me because I would never have sex dreams about her..... until last week when I had my first one about her now that we have been broken up for a while and I am "gay". I also do not ever wake up with morning wood and think that I might have just fucked up my sex drive with porn and I need to stop watching it for a while and let my body rebound to see where I naturally am. Part of me thinks that I am submissive and the idea of getting fucked and not being in control is a fetish that I have that makes me enjoy gay porn. But I do not want to rule anything out. I am trying to be very objective here and it is difficult. Part of me thinks that I might not be gay and that is scary because now I have to "come out" as straight to everyone and I feel like it will be harder to date women now because they might think I'm gay. The other part of me is wondering if I just still have internalized homophobia that I have to get over (although I feel that I was fully excepting of a gay lifestyle and had in fact come out to everyone so I don't know if this is true either) This was a nice long post and the moral of the story is that I have a lot of evidence going both ways and I am having a really hard time knowing my exact feelings and am trying to not be biased in my judgements.
Dude i read this whole thing and i feel so sad for you, i cant imagine how frustrating and upsetting this must feel. I just wanna give you a hug. I feel like something must have gotten messed up along the way inside. Probably the porn. Porn is not a good indicator of sexuality in the general sense. You should research the effects of porn on the human brain and how its terrible and you need to stop it for a LONG time. Any type doesnt matter. The way you described porn makes me think you were trying to use it as an accessory, or to fill something. Dont force something that you dont actually enjoy. I also was bullied and grew up being so terrified of being gay or doing something gay. It can really mess up a person for the rest of their life. I cant imagine the pain and frustration you must feel. You have a lot of evidence of going both ways. But maybe you should consider Bisexual. But if that doesnt feel right then dont subscribe to the label. In fact dont subscribe to ANY label when you are confused. I feel like you tended to jump from one side to the other too early before you really knew exactly what you wanted. This caused so much confusion, and you cant settle on one thing. You have to go on a long hiatus and refrain from sex, masturbating,and porn. Check out that counselor and see if they help. Ask yourself. When you are aroused by either one of the genders you are with. WHAT is arousing you, and what other feelings accompany it. Is it arousal with nervousness excitement, or is it arousal with negative feelings attached. Does it ACTUALLY feel good if you know what i mean. (just throwing out suggestions) But please whatever you do, dont hate yourself. Or be angry about the things you did or how you feel. Forgive yourself for your past and dont beat yourself up about it. The trick is to accept any thoughts as a thought. Dont judge yourself, forgive your past. Work through more important issues first. Be healthy and practice healthy thoughts. Dont do destructive things such as porn and masturbation. Literally do breathing excercises if you feel anxiety and get scared. When you are in a situation where you might feel "aroused" (using qoutes for now on that term), do a simple breathing excercise called 4-7-8. Breathe in 4 seconds, hold 7, let go for 8. See how you feel then. Just learn to live with some uncertainty for right now, and realize that uncertainty is TEMPORARY. Take everything with grain of salt, and give yourself the benefit of the doubt It is hard to see through fog, but keep your headlights on and keep driving. Dont stop the car at a destination that might not be your stop. Remember that no matter what happens, practice positive thinking. Dont believe that you wont be loved. Love yourself with whatever you are feeling. Do not care about coming out to others and what they would think of you. Only care about how YOU feel. If something doesnt feel right, you have EVERY right to walk away and stop. Dont care about how others will think of you if you do "come out " as straight. If they dont believe you who cares they are not important. You are not set in stone, you have the freedom to express yourself sexually however you like. Dont let others convince you or tell you how to think. Make lists. What do i like about this gender , or this gender. Is this true attraction, or am i looking for something for other reasons. Make a point not to come to a conclusion because sometimes a conclusion wont help you. Look for what makes you happy, TRULY happy. Think back into your earilest attractions and interactions and if you were happy or not. You say that it wasnt any different between the two wether it was a man or women most of the time. This could mean there are other issues that arent related to the partner. These are related to you, maybe depression, low self esteem, other issues that could be making you restless. But whatever you do, dont ever lock yourself away because you feel like you arent worth it. It is okay to be confused. Sometimes knowing your exact feelings is an impossible bar to set. It is impossible to know something EXACT when it comes to feelings. All you can know is how do you feel right now. Take away everything, all peoples expectations, labels, personal binds, ask yourself how do you feel right now. And if you dont have an answer, or if your answer is I dont know. Realize that it is okay to say i dont know. Focus on something that you do know, something that makes you happy whatever it maybe. Take the break i meantioned above, and In real life let your attractions unfold naturally. Let yourself relax and give yourself the freedom to not put restrictions on yourself. You could be straight. Or anything in between the scale. Dont stress over something that you cant figure out like a math problem. Dont let porn tell you what you like. This is something that takes time, respect yourself enough to say NO and to say YES to things that come your way. Dont say yes because you think your gay, or vice versa. Say yes if you truly want it, and remember to breathe. I know alot of this was blabbing but im just trying to help out. I wish you luck and happiness and peace of mind. (seriously cut off the porn)
It sounds like you are bisexual or you have fluid sexuality. I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling; I am "gay" but I do notice how beautiful women are more often than men and that does make me doubt things sometimes. But the thing is, I don't have any sexual desire for women. I might think that women are "sexy" but I don't want to have sex with them. Thus why I identify as demisexual. If you don't know, demisexual is where you are not at all, or rarely physically attracted to people instantly, but you are once you have built a personal relationship with them. The dynamic, if you will, of straight sex is not appealing to me, because I would rather be the receptive partner. I know it's easier said than done, and I'm not even quite here yet, but you have to quit porn. It just makes matters worse, trust me. All the confusion I have had has been caused by it. Sometimes it helps to think of your sexuality in non-sexual terms if that makes sense. Which gender do you see yourself having a life with? I for instance, can't see myself with a woman in a committed relationship, but I can see myself with a man. If you think about it like that, it might help you. In my experience the more you think about it sexually the more confusing it gets.
Don't worry man, I feel like we're in the same boat. When it came to porn, I found myself searching for gay material but never seemed to think that I was gay, it was something that I could get off to, and whenever the gay thoughts came up I just looked up porn and starting fapping, and then I close all the browsers and the process repeats itself. My attractions to girls starts with their appearance and if they look cute or not. From there, conversations begin and if we start to click that's when I want to hang out with her more. But when it comes to dates I almost always freak out and never really want to date them, and this fluctuates quite often... almost like a bi-polar disorder. I want them one moment and the next I don't want them. Not sure why, but I always had a thing for girls yet dating seemed to scare me. Technically speaking, I'm more likely to hop into bed with a guy than a girl, so I think I may be sexually attracted to guys more, for whatever reason (still figuring this out). However identifying as gay doesn't feel right, whereas many people find themselves at peace when they are alright with their gay identify. It's the same with bisexual, I feel that it doesn't represent me correctly. I use to pay attention to girls more, but ever since I started questioning myself, I've been checking out guys more than girls, almost like I'm trying extremely hard to shut off my straight identity. I haven't dated a guy yet, but if I do I feel like I have to force myself. It doesn't feel natural, yet I do not want to deny the fact that I could be happier with a guy. Maybe it's because of how happy gay couples look and it makes me want to be like them because of I desperate I am. I feel like coming out and accepting that I'm gay will just end all this confusion, yet that hasn't been working... Can't help you much, but you aren't alone bud.
I know how frustrating it is to try keeping it inside to yourself and do what the society's definition of being 'normal'. It is very hard trying to be somebody else because at the end of the day, who you really are is the only thing that matters. I used to be on your position but I realized it's so confusing and stressing but guess what, life is way better than that. You just have to look at the brighter side. So I stopped thinking. Once you start and learn how to love the real you, there will be challenges but that's life and they aren't there to break you but to make you wiser and better. I hope for the better of you. Take care!
