Hi everyone, I struggle to pinpoint my sexuality and am very confused about the whole thing. Since a very young age I've felt attracted to guys. When going through puberty these feelings became stronger and I got into gay porn. Likewise I had wet dreams with guys. However, after coming out to my parents at the age of thirteen and them telling me it was a phase, I've actively tried to suppress every gay feeling I have. I've never really gotten into masturbation, because it makes me feel too guilty, but I can't seem to get rid of porn. Anyway, I came out to myself again a couple of months ago feeling fairly sure I was gay. Now, however, I'm doubting that nonstop. It's very confusing. I've been paying extra attention to who I feel attracted to lately and my eyes always stray to men. But I don't really connect them with sex. I don't have fantasies either (anymore). With women I have no sexual attraction at all. My recent coming out was pretty intense and that (along with some other stuff) caused me to develop a pretty bad panic disorder so that may be an important factor in my lack of sex drive. I worry I may be asexually homoromantic, and I spend hours doubting. It's really starting to get to me. Why can't I just decide? What does this mean? Am I in denial (again)? Am I asexual? Help!
Hi, Daffyd. Welcome to EC! You're in the right place. The short answer here is... from what you've described, there's zero indication you're straight, and zero indication you're asexual. (Also, for the record, "asexual" is a grossly misused term; properly defined, it refers to someone who, from birth and hardwired, has no sexual attraction to anyone, at all. Since you've clearly felt attraction, you can't be asexual.) My guess is that your parents instilled a really deep level of shame in you that's very negatively affecting your ability to be in touch with your sexuality. And based on what you've said, if you were to push past the guilt and get in touch with your authentic sexual attraction and orientation, you'd most likely find that you are, in fact, gay, and that you're questioning it not because there's any authentic question, but because your parents have done so much to make it not OK. One thing I'm curious about: You say you don't get into masturbation because of the guilt factor, but you do watch porn. Do you masturbate to the porn, or just watch it? Is it straight or gay porn? If straight, do you focus more on the guys or the girls? Answering that might help further clarify.
Hi Chip, thanks for your swift reply. I did in a beginning start with straight porn but gradually moved towards gay porn. I've never really felt any inclination to move back. I've never felt the inclination to try lesbian porn. I can't masturbate at all. It's really embarrassing but I feel such intense feelings of guilt and shame if I try I feel guilty for days. I feel the same way about porn but somehow it's just less confronting (perhaps because it's become a habit). I think you are also right about my parents. They are very christian. Like very. And they've given a very clear message through the years that being gay is not OK. When I came out to them when I was 13 my mum thought it was a joke. They didn't really take it seriously and told me it would pass. Likewise, the churches we tend to go to put emphasis on this as well. How do I get over this though? I've changed church recently (I'm now going to a LGBT friendly church) but I can't seem to get over my own internalized homophobia. It's weird to say this but I can't tell you how relieved I am when you reassure me that I'm gay. A year ago I never would have dreamed of such a reaction. :icon_bigg
Hi, Daffyd. I think you've already taken one of the most important steps, which is finding a way to align your spirituality and faith with your sexual orientation. Going to an LGBT-friendly church makes a huge difference. The next step is to start working through the internalized homophobia. That isn't going to happen overnight, but the fact that you're talking openly about it and wanting to address it is a huge step. Here's an important piece: There's nothing embarrassing about being uncomfortable masturbating. And there shouldn't be anything embarrassing in talking about masturbating, because it's a natural part of who we are; our shame about it is entirely imposed by society. So talking about it is taking an important step to owning, loving, and appreciating that part of yourself. One thing I'm still not clear on, and forgive me for getting graphic (and I'm sure this is awkward to talk about): You are talking about watching porn, and at the same time, saying that you can't masturbate because of the guilt. So when you watch porn, are you just watching it, or are you masturbating and ejaculating while watching it? This is an important question because if you can orgasm without feeling intense guilt while watching porn, it's a positive sign, and learning to get comfortable masturbating and orgasming without porn will be a bit easler. And it probably is obvious, but you'll want to work through the internalized difficulty with your sexual self before trying to be with a partner, or that's likely to trigger even more uncomfortable feelings. Another question: Are you self-sufficient, or still reliant on parents for financial support? That's going to come into play at some point because you'll probably want to come out to them, and they may attempt to withhold support (emotional, financial, whatever they have) as a means of control and manipulation to try and "convince you" to be straight. Not needing their support (at least, on a temporary basis) is going to be crucial to being able to develop a healthier relationship with them which will, in the long run, be really helpful in addressing the homophobia.
